Predictions for 2001 1. The COS re-release Dianetics as 'chicken soup for the thetan' 2. Bob Minton buys a failing brewery and starts producing Xenu beer 3. John Travolta and Garry Scarff announce their engagement 4. L Ron Hubbard is found alive and well as a parliamentary candidate in the Huntingdon constituency in England, representing the Monster Raving Looney party 5. It is revealed that David Miscaviage is not in fact in charge of the COS. The real power in fact lies with Bunnyann's parrot. 6. David Miscaviage announces his departure from COS management and the establishment of his all boy dance troupe, The Pink Poodles 7. The Jive Aces are all declared SP, but later storm the charts with a swing rendition of Pink Floyd's Money. 8. In the biggest news story of the year, Xenu makes an official apology for his actions 75 million years ago, stating that imprisonment beneath a mountain has given him 'time to reflect' and he is ready to repent and turn his powers to good. A photo is published of him and Mike Rinder hugging. 9. Tory Bezazian wins a UK competition for 'rear of the year', facing down stiff competition from Clark Bor and Lurkmonster. 10. In a surprise ruling, the Church of Scientology is found guilty of extreme emotional, physical and financial damage to Gregg Haggalund. The Church is liquidated to pay the massive damages and legal fees, and the name, files, and assets are purchased by a consortium consisting of Bob Minton, Keith Henson, and the estate of Bill Hicks. The Church is re-established as a theme park.

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