My name is Joe, after years of failure, arrests, embezzlement, grand theft, overdosing and numerous suicide attempts I was at a dead end in life. Then one day I happened across an article where Tom Cruise was discussing what Scientology had done for him. No sooner than I had finished reading what Tom had to say when I heard this inner voice saying "Scientology is for you."

I quickly picked up the phone and contacted them via their 1-800 number. Soon I was given a location to go and answer a few questions about myself and begin the long expensive road to getting my shit together. It was all really too easy. I walked in and was given a stack of forms to fill out which. I could sense right off the bat how understanding with my needs these people were when after they inquired about my ability to cough up some serious dough for course treatments.

I told them I was recently released from my previous employer (State Corrections) and was on parole and just getting by on stolen credit cards.

"No problem" came the reply.

They sent me to the nearest jewelry store to purchase a Rolex watch with a stolen American Express I had just pick-pocketed hours earlier from an elderly man which they agreed to accept as a token payment. At this point I knew I had made the right decision.

Over the years Scientology has helped me with discrediting witnesses, jury tampering, removing potential PTS judges and obtaining mistrials.

No longer do I feel the need to resort to petty physical threats or violence in my every day life thanks to Moxon and Korbin.

With Scientology I have learned to keep more of the money I steal.

Scientology has shown me what the power of religious enlightenment can remove from my 1040. Scientology has opened the floodgates of possibilities that years earlier seemed closed to me. For example, recently I needed $50,000 to payoff a gambling debt. Following what Scientology has taught me I simply formed an overnight charity called "CADI" (Crooks Against Drugging Infants.) Soon afterwards the donations was pouring in after my pamphlets hit the streets, complete with a lifeless purple colored baby on the cover.

Scientology has taught me to take total control of other people doing what comes natural to me: lying. I've lied all my life and often felt guilty about it, even ashamed at times. Not any more. With Scientology, lying is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged. If you have a problem with the truth than I encourage you to explore Scientology.

In closing, I can't say enough good things about Scientology and how they have helped me take control of my life for the better. I highly recommend this racket, I mean church, to anyone who has hit rock bottom who might feel they have no where else to turn to.

-- Elvis on Scientology:

"F - - - those people! There's no way I'll ever get involved with that son-of-a-bitchin' group.

All they want is my money."

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