I was sitting in my living room a few nights ago, having my smart and beautiful head in some reading material, when I heard a strange noice. First I thought it is crazy and criminal Garry Scarff trying to beat the hell out of me with a baseball bat, as he announced before. But then I noticed that the noise is rather in the wall. No place for fat Garry to hide.

I figured, either it is a ghost or a mouse or rat. And then I saw that grey thing run through my living room, I knew it: the SEGNPMSS has planted a remote controlled map formation mouse in my apartment, as they want me to flee to Germany to be butchered away by the religious persecutors and psychs over there!

I knew people in Germany who like the rodents in their home, but I am not one of them. I run to a store and bought myself mousetraps. Unfortunately, the more human traps were gone or terribly expensive, so I took the next best that I could find and put them up with peanut butter bait. They were really sharp traps, I almost amputed my finger trying them out.

I wish I would had Peaches' cats in my apartment, but I am allergic to any creatures with fur, btw that also includes Dave Bird's hair do. I also think that if I would get a cat, that the SEGNPMSS would implant her to become as psychotic as Frederic Rice's cat is, and who needs that?

The store supervisor, or what he was, told me that his wife has lots of troubles to catch the mice who invaded their home, but I thought, I am not your wife, and I will not allow that something creepy or with a possible Hantavius takes my castle over. I'll catch her. (I told the manager, he called the exterminator right away, but he did not yet come by. Manager thinks that it came from the attic where a handiman recently worked. My apartment is right under the attic.)

First night, my two traps were ignored, but yesterday night, around midnight, I heard terrible noices from my living room. I walked in and saw that mouse in the trap. I thought that they are killed instantly, but they are not. She wiggled around and it was frankly horrible. She fought so hard that I thought she would come free again.

I didn't want to touch her, not even with gloves and tried to find somebody in the house who still was awake to help me. First time in my life I wished that Dave Touretzky would be around, as he probably would have grabbed that thing without disgust and hesitation and sticked it under his hat or in his shirt and then go dancing with the ladies.

Anyway, the neighbor who I asked, a young man, immediately was willing to help, despite that he himself was also grossed out by the idea of a wiggling mouse. We put a bucket over her and some load on top.

I don't know if she is still alive, depends if the exterminator, who was called, got in my apartment and removed her in meantime.

I didn't know that those traps are such slow death for mice. I thought they are immediately killed upon impact, but one of my neighbors, and I, know now, they are not.

Some people trap the mice and drive them to the woods and let them run free there. I would have done same, but I heard that one has to drive very far to make sure that they don't come back. I know from a guy who had a rat in the basement. He trapped it and drove to the hills and let it run free. Next day, he caught another one, and realesed her. Short time later, he caught another one, and did the same. Then he got the suspicion that it was the same rat who came again. He put some paint on her tail before he released her. One of two days later he caught another rat, and it was the one with the painted tail. In order for me to get rid of that mouse, I probably had to drive all the way in the High Unitas, and you just get there with a car, which I don't have.

Anyway, I had really very mixed feelings about that. One was a good one that I was so fast and successful with trapping what the hardware store guy said would be so difficult, and that I did not creep out like many other women and defended my home very much to the regret of the SEGNPMSS, but on the other side, I am really disgusted how messy it was and that the mouse had to die that slow death, if she really is dead by now. I leave it up to the exterminator to lift that bucket.

Anyway, if she is dead, she should be examined on implants. Wouldn't it be interesting if she would be run with the same kind implants that I suspect in Garry Scarff's ear drums?

What is next, SEGNPMSS? Any snakes, aligators, scorpions, wolves, bears, psychs, or anti-religious extemists that you want roam lose in my home? As you have seen, I am a woman who knows to help herself. I will have a bait and a trap waiting for them.

Barbara Schwarz

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