Forwarded shamelessly for your amusement. Bob Larson is a shyster preacher, claims to be able to cast out really tame demons (hell, they don't even CURSE) and is generally held in pretty low regard everywhere.

Anyway, this is a recent "ministry" newsletter that was MST3K'ed. Forwarded here because it mentions Scientology in a bad light, but then again, getting the Bob Larson Hairplugs of Disapproval is probably not a good thing.

Deana mirele@sonic.net
From: "Skippy The Klingon" <skippytheklingon@tele-base.net>
Subject: MSTed-Bob Larson Ministries September Newsletter
I've been sitting on this thing forever so I thought it was time to post it.

any comments feel free to send to skippytheklingon@telebase.net ================================================================= A WAKE UP CALL FROM HELL!

(A "Special" Message from Bob Larson Ministries) Misted by Jay "Skippy The Klingon" Epps ==================================================================== [Mike and the Bots enter the theater]

A WAKE UP CALL FROM HELL!* [Servo: Yeah, demon spawn in the morning are a real eye opener !] * Benjamin Netanyahu, former Prime Minister of Israel, describing the World Trade Center attack Dear Friend, [Mike: I wonder if he has a form letter for Romans and Countrymen?] Since the sad events of September 11, America has been in a state of shock.

[Servo: Like, Duh!] [Crow: Ladies and Gentlemen!!!Bob Larson: Master of Understatement!!!] [Everyone claps unenthusiastically] You need to know that the World Trade Center attack was orchestrated by demons, and those demons have launched an all-out attack on our country.

[Mike: What? You mean? Those terrorists on the planes were innocent?] [Crow: Wow, I bet the CIA's really red faced now.] [Servo: Yeah, Bob's intelligence network has way better leads than the Federal Government!] Satan has shoved his fist in our face and dared us to respond. His troops are ready.

[Mike: Well, Satan's had his troops at high readiness before, it always turns out to be training exercises.] The dangerous cult of Scientology (see Larson’s Book of Cults) [Crow:(see Larson's Encyclopedia),(see Larson's Book of Accounting, but only if you aren't with the IRS)] seized the opportunity to take over religious disaster relief at "ground zero." When other religious volunteers were asked to clear out, Scientologists were allowed to stay and work alongside the Red Cross.

[Mike: Nah, the Red Cross people just wanted to get their free personality tests.] Police officers waved through the head of New York’s Church of Scientology while others were held back.

[Servo: They just have to work harder at getting "Clear"] (Scientology teaches humans descended from aliens.)

[Crow: Didn't Adam and Eve come from something not of this Earth too?] [Mike: Yeah, gotta point there.] Scientologists were even permitted to give occult Dianetics sessions (called "nerve assists") right on the site of the collapsed twin towers.

(These nerve assists open people up to demons!) [Crow(flipping through his copy of "Dianetics"): Oh Yeah! Right here on page 728! They never mentioned that in the commercials.] In the days immediately following the disaster, the writings of the 16th century demon-possessed spiritualist Nostradamus were number one on all the bestseller charts.

[Mike: And here I thought it was his appearance on "Oprah's Book Club"] In fact, the name "Nostradamus" was the top word on all Internet search engines on September 12.

[Crow: followed closely by "hot anal action"] (Nostradamus wrote poetry in an archaic form of French that supposedly prophesied modern events, like the rise of Hitler. See Larson’s Book of Cults for more details.)

[Servo: Bad French poetry is the reason Hitler took over Europe? That explains a lot.] In addition, occult books about Nostradamus dominated the charts and a video called "The Man Who Saw Tomorrow" became the top video rental in America the week after the attack!

[Mike: I thought it was the gratuitous Halle Berry nude scene.] Yes, millions did pray. Yes, many did look to God for comfort. But millions also turned to the occult for answers.

[Servo: yes, millions of people played Dungeons& Dragons for the first time that week] With this WAKE UP CALL FROM HELL it’s not enough to respond with piety and platitudes. The devil has declared war and we must fight back.

[Servo: Damn Straight!] [All of them make agreeing gruntings] I’m sick of the sappy sentimentality around these days: "Find your balance with the universe . . .take a moment of silence to contemplate . .

.get in touch with your feelings." Baloney!

[Servo: Pastrami!] [Crow: Pimento Loaf!] This isn’t a time for feel-good philosophies. It’s a time for spiritual militancy.

[Crow: You're right Bob! I'm joining the Taliban right away!] Think of what the devil has done.

[Mike(looking contemplative): Hmmmmmmmmmm?] A priest was killed while ministering last rites to a brave dying fireman who saved others. A father was killed because he fought off the hijackers who wanted to crash into the White House. A young fireman rushed up the stairs to rescue others but himself never made it back down.

[Mike and the Bots bow their heads in a moment of silence for the victims] Satan tried to murder our innocence. He tried to slaughter our goodness.

He cackled with glee as the tall towers imploded upon thousands of precious lives–businessmen, public servants, single parents, husbands, wives, children.

[Servo: I always thought Satan was more of a "BWAHHAHAHAH" kinda guy.] As you know, in the past year our ministry has received unprecedented national attention.

[Crow: I thought it was because your phone number is one digit different from Congressman Gary Condit's] Over and over network television shows and America’s top newspapers have asked me, [Crow:"Where did you bury Chandra Levy?"] "What makes people susceptible to demons?"

[Crow: Pretty Close..] My answer is always the same: "Satan traffics in suffering and human misery."

[Mike: And that's why you did so badly on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"

Bob!] Friend, America’s misery quotient just jumped off the scale. We’re going to see an increase in demonic attacks unparalleled in human history.

[Servo: Much more than anything ever described in "Larson's Book of Demonic Attacks throughout History"(third edition, Thomas Nelson Publishing)] While President Bush and our fighting men and women bravely face down foreign terrorists, you and I must fight the war against the terrorism of domestic demons.

[Mike: Yes! It's time to end the horror of telemarketers!] Just as President Bush has pledged an unwavering resolve to hunt down the enemies of human freedom, I vow to do more than ever to track down and defeat the demonic enemies of spiritual freedom. Will you join me?

[All of them together: No!] By God’s grace, we’ve raised up 60 Do What Jesus Did (DWJD) healing and deliverance teams across America, half of them established just this year.

But it’s not enough.

[Crow(perky): Two more and I get a toaster] We must not rest until every person in America is no more than a day’s drive from a DWJD team where they can find freedom from the terrorism of demonic torment.

[Servo: And a bunch of DWJD team members who are really cranky from lack of rest.] God has called me to a five year goal of establishing a DWJD deliverance team in every major city in America.

[Crow: DWJD! Spiritual Deliverance in 30 minutes or the next one's free!] Are you with me or against me in this effort for Christ?

[Servo: Against I think, Satan offered a much better severance package, thanks for asking anyway] Unfortunately, our ministry is at grave risk. We had already come through the toughest time we’d ever faced financially before all this happened.

[Crow: Unlike the toughest time we ever went through last month...] Now, our ministry has been crippled. The government isn’t going to bail us out like the airlines.

[Mike: At three A.M. getting anyone to bail you out is hard.] You must let God speak to your heart about how critical this ministry is at this moment in history.

[Servo: Yeah! Give to Bob! It isn't like the Red Cross is doing anything important!] Let’s turn those 60 DWJD teams into 600 teams! Hell has given its wake up call. Let’s respond in the name of Jesus!

[Mike: won't that get kind of confusing Bob er..I mean, Jesus?] Doing What Jesus Did, [Servo: Mary Magdalene?] Bob Larson [all together: EWWWWWWWW!] P. S. The Lord has compelled me to ask for the largest gift you’ve ever shared with this ministry. I’m praying you’ll receive a 7-fold blessing for your generosity.

[Mike: I didn't know blessings came in little origami shapes] If your gift is at least $50, let me send you the incredible one-hour video, "Harry Potter: Witchcraft Repackaged – Making Evil Look Innocent." You’ll receive this video just in time for Halloween and before the new Harry Potter movie sweeps the country.

[All of them: Har-ry! Har-ry! Har-ry! Har-ry!] P. P. S. Please pray about supporting our ministry with a gift of at least $20 a month to be a member of our DWJD Club.

[Servo: We'll even show you the secret handshake] [Mike: But he really shouldn't be pps'ing people off like that] Make that commitment today and receive my monthly message of deliverance and freedom that’s sent exclusively to Club members.

[Crow: What? people actually pay for more of this crap?] [Mike: Yep, amazing isn't it?] [They get up and start leaving the theater] GOD BLESS AMERICA, AND GOD BLESS YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!

[Servo: Larson's Wine Coolers, two percent alcohol by content] [5...4...3...2...]

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Copyright Notices and other Science Facts:

Mystery Science Theater 3000 is the property of Best Brains Inc.

The Bob Larson Ministries Newsletter is the property of Bob Larson Ministries.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or Bob Larson Ministries, or the Church of Scientology is intended or should be inferred.

For more of the wit and wisdom of Bob Larson check out http://www.boblarson.org For a more critical view of Bob, check out the Bob Larson Fan Club website at http://www.freespeech.org/boblarson/ My answer is always the same: "Satan traffics in suffering and human misery."

-- The Great and Glorious Klingon Warrior of Epic Legend Know Far and Wide as Skippy http://skippy_the_klingon.tripod.com

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