THE BEAST PAGE 3
Promotional Celebrity Relationship

Name: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Turn-ons: High box office returns, DVD royalties, first date press releases, awkward staged kissing

Turn-offs: Brad and Angelina, unsubstantiated rumors, The Beast, sex, herpes transmission

How: Tom has a big movie coming out, and needed some good non-gay press to get the publicity ball rolling. But, since there were no casting calls to pick up women from at the time, he had a problem. Luckily, a diligent agent at his new firm read a quote on Katie’s imdb.com webpage about wanting to marry Tom when she was growing up. A cold call later, and the media blitz was on!

Future Plans: We’ll be spending time together at least until War of the Worlds opens in Europe. It won’t be long after that until Katie realizes she’s not getting any action, and Tom realizes she’s not joining the Church of Scientology. Then they’ll finalize the fling with a parting press release about remaining friends. Afterwards, Tom will brag to friends about what a sweet lay Katie was, and Katie will have her personal assistant order a case of Valtrex, and call Penelope Cruz to ask if they ever did it, either.

How we’d like to be remembered: As an actual couple who really, really liked each other and had sex, and never did coke even once.

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