Subject: The Irreligious Prophet: Buying Salvation
By Micah L. Issitt
In the mid-1950s, amazingly untalented science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard had a great idea. He would defecate, not with his intestine but with his mind, onto the pages of what would become one of the most successful books of all time. From his book, which he called Dianetics, arose one of the most fiscally dominant, utterly ruthless, and culturally retarding cults of all time - the cult of Scientology.
The story of how a hack writer with dreams of becoming someone important transformed his comic-book cosmology into a multimillion-dollar enterprise is a fascinating tale of greed, delusion, and product placement. This story has been told through the pages of Time magazine and has been broadcast across the Internet, eventually reaching deep into the folds of our economic and entertainment industries. Today scientology reigns as the king of pyramid scams and has become the metaphorical home for some of the stupidest people who have ever walked the earth.1
Years after the death of founder L. Ron Hubbard, the pages of Scientology literature speak with a fond reverence for the deceased progenitor. According to "church" literature, Hubbard holds a doctorate from Sequoia University and was once a highly decorated Naval officer who was almost killed in action. Investigative reporters later found that Hubbard never attained a degree from any university. In addition, Hubbard was not a decorated Naval officer, and he was not (unfortunately) nearly killed in the line of duty. He was, however, in the Navy for a brief time. During his tour of duty, Hubbard reportedly told several Naval psychiatrists that he felt "suicidal" and like he was "going crazy." As it turns out he was going crazy like a fox.2
In any event, Scientology rose from its humble beginnings (as the pseudo spiritual ravings of a pathological liar with delusions of grandeur) to become a remarkably successful cult movement with followers from every sector of society. All kinds of people, from trailer park prostitutes to dental assistants, have been drawn into the Scientologist club, where for only a few thousand dollars, they attempt to turn their miserable lives around and achieve the kind of happiness usually reserved for the super rich and those lucky few who have had full frontal lobotomies.
Over the years Scientology has met with harsh criticism from politicians, humanitarians, and members of other religious communities. In fact, Scientologists often describe the history of their "religion" as a struggle against prejudice and ignorance. Many feel that ignorance will eventually prevail, leading to the acceptance of Scientology as the dominant programming of the 21st century.3
"Initiation" into Scientology usually begins with a "personality test." This test poses questions about relationships, habits of thought, and spiritual leanings. Unlike the Catholic Church, where such personality tests are followed by an intense period of molestation, Scientologists follow their personality test with an "assessment" describing how negative "mental habits" are "poisoning" the test takers' lives. After this, the seemingly sympathetic church members tell these confused people (or "fucking idiots" as they are officially known) that they can schedule a "counseling session" to help them learn how to cleanse their lives of negative impulses and develop the power and potential of their minds.
Counseling sessions can cost anywhere from $50 to $50,000, depending on how far an initiate would like to go toward enlightenment. Along the way, new members are introduced to specialized "training routines," which are purported to teach techniques that, if properly used, will expand the power of the mind. Although many expert critics have stated that, psychologically speaking, these training routines are about as useful as a condom made of rice paper, each year thousands of people shell out their hard-earned cash for these sessions, making Scientology one of the most fiscally successful "religions" of all time.4
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"Joining the 'Church' of Scientology is like giving a prostitute your checkbook to tell you what it would feel like if she gave you a blowjob."
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In a recent interview, Mr. Smith, a former trainee of the "Church" of Scientology, revealed some of the intricate techniques taught to him and other new initiates during his training sessions. During one session Mr. Smith was asked to sit motionless in a room for hours on end, reciting passages from Alice in Wonderland while counselors tried to distract him. The former trainee admits that the idea sounded "a bit crazy" at first, but after undergoing hours of such activity, he became so absorbed that he forgot his initial skepticism and was consumed by an uncontrollable bodily response. "I thought," says Smith, "I have a burning sensation in my groin... must be enlightenment."5
After hours of such training sessions, new initiates' brains become as soft as rotten melons, and they are left powerless to resist the influence of their coaches. Training exercises continue to increase in intensity and cost until initiates are usually in debt to the "church," alienated from their family and friends, and typically working for the "church," helping to recruit new sheep to defray the cost of their "training."
Former members whose loved ones have managed to liberate them from the influence of the "church" have ended up losing their houses or spending their life savings to buy a better life. To sum it up, joining the "Church" of Scientology is like giving a prostitute your checkbook to tell you what it would feel like if she gave you a blowjob.
One of the pillars of the Scientology movement is the claim that practicing the art of Dianetics will improve the function of one's mind. Cult propaganda artists love to cite the common misconception that humans use only around 10% of their brains. Thus, say the pseudo scientifically inclined, the 90% of the brain that we don't use might hold the key to all kinds of amazing mental abilities. People who use 100% of their brains might be able to read minds, move objects with their thoughts, or even use X-ray vision to see under people's clothing.
The truth, as any neurophysiologist would tell you, is that humans use about 10% of their brains FOR ANY SINGLE PROCESS. This does not mean that 90% of the brain is lying dormant waiting to be unlocked so that we can see into the future or divine the mysteries of the Rubik's Cube. All this means is that, for any single process, only 10% of the brain is active at any one time.
Those who are seeking a more powerful brain will simply have to rely on the old-fashioned methods: learning and reading. If you fill your mind with something a bit more substantial than Dr. Phil6 and Elimidate, you may eventually develop a truly remarkable intellect, but it will probably take years of training. As far as the myth of hidden mental powers goes, there is a greater chance that you will be struck by a car, jettisoned into the air, hit by a low-flying plane, blown by tropical currents, and land in the Pope's lap than there is that Scientology, or any other self-help technique, will help you develop ESP.
In fact, we are all quite fortunate that evolution has endowed us with brains capable of dividing their activity into smaller increments. If you were to use 100% of your brain for any thought process, the resulting heat and electrical mess would fry your brain (turning you into an instant Scientologist) and would not leave any brain matter available for autonomic functions such as the control of breathing, heart rate regulation, and immune function. Without this neurological "division of labor," we would never be able to form coherent thoughts.
Having said that, it is a prominent fact of human life that many people get along just fine without ever having to form a coherent thought, and for those people there will always be a religion to do the thinking for them. Scientology is just such a "religion:" it preys upon the troubled and the ignorant and entices them with promises of personal growth and immeasurable happiness.
To properly analyze Scientology, it is helpful to see how this "religion" works to reach potential members and to expand its influence within society. Each religion is heavily dependent on recruitment, and to this end religious leaders have learned to exploit features of human psychology to promote their religious institutions. Scientology has a huge publicity department, one that is able to blanket the Internet with propaganda, choke bookstores with copies of their literary flotsam and jetsam, and reach with a hypnotic gaze into the minds of millions of people.
Looking at Scientology in this way makes it easy to see it for what it really is: a marketing scheme. Scientology caters to all those people who are fed up with the old mode of spirituality, where the meaning of life is projected onto some perfect entity located in space or in heaven or on some secret mountain in China where Jim Morrison, Elvis, and Dionne Warwick hang out.
As evidenced by the popularity of "individualized" spiritual movements, many people are not attracted to the standard religions' modes of belief in a god entity and are more interested in exploring their own personal spiritual experience. To many of these people, Scientology seems to have the answer; it tells us that the spiritual meaning of our lives can be found within the recesses of our own minds. More than that, Scientology leaders tell us that they have developed techniques that will help to unlock this mysterious power. They are essentially offering the equivalent of a penis-enlargement pill for the mind.
In my final analysis, I would say that Scientology might be the most utterly worthless "religion" that I have ever encountered. Although I criticize every religion, from Anglicanism to Zoroastrianism, I generally believe that most religions deserve some level of respect if for no other reason than simply because most religions are based on a simple set of moral values that are generally beneficial to those who follow them. Scientology, by sharp contrast, is deserving of no such respect.
My recommendation for those of you who have thought about looking into Scientology is to save yourselves the time and just send all of your money to me. In return for your money, I will recommend some complex spiritual exercises for you to complete. I guarantee that if you follow ALL of my techniques and send me ALL of your money, you will reach new plateaus of enlightenment. In addition, your penis and/or breasts will grow at least an inch in diameter.
Please send money to:
The Irreligious Prophet's Spiritual Scam C/O Bully Magazine
Love,
Micah Issitt
Endnotes:
1. For many years historians have argued about which group deserves the title of "stupidest people who have ever walked the earth." Historians and anthropologists have recently determined that there is apparently a three-way tie for "stupidest group" between those who follow the Church of Scientology, those who watch Fox News Network, and the writers of US Weekly magazine.
2. The term "crazy like a fox" was developed in the early 17th century, during which time farmers were amazed with the fox's seeming disregard for its own safety, as foxes often go to great lengths and navigate pressing dangers to gain a meal. Scientists say that among fox culture there is a saying "crazy like a human," which is usually used to refer to those foxes that tend toward organized religion.
3. The popular web site Cult Watch has, for the last several years, maintained an interesting database cataloging the behavior of various cults and alternative religions. Many of the articles available through Cult Watch focused on Scientology, until recently when the "Church" of Scientology purchased the rights to the Cult Watch web site. Scientologists subsequently removed all independently written criticisms of their "religion" and replaced them with their own "critical" articles such as: "Scientology: Why Is It So Good?" and "Scientology: The Cult That Works."
4. The only religion that has become more monetarily successful than Scientology is the Church of Amway. The Amwayish god is a giant vacuum cleaner who will eventually (as reported by scripture) suck up all humans into its glorious dust-catching mechanism in the sky. The Amway god is known for his omnipotence as well as for his ability to produce many high-quality products (strictly for believers) including vitamins, hair care products, and frozen dinners.
5. Contrary to popular belief, enlightenment usually begins in the groin before moving on to the nipples. After this, enlightenment spends most of its time in the lower intestine, at which point the nearly enlightened person must be careful not to pass his or her enlightenment along with other indigestible material, such as corn or plastic.
6. Dr. Phil is a popular purveyor of pop psychology and pseudo intellectual babble. He is widely lauded by welfare moms and teenage girls for his ability to regurgitate the same topics day after day (on his sadly popular talk show), as well as for his uncanny ability to produce no new insight into human behavior.