Here's the latest from my Scientology junk mail: an invitation to the New Year's Event at the Shrine, for all Los Angeles area cultists.

NEWS FLASH!!! The LIVE New Year's Event is the grand finale to a truly historical year, and the start for 2005. You must be on the same page with all other Scientologists in our Planetary Clearing Crusade.

LIVE Shrine Auditorium TUESDAY, December 28 Be seated by - 6:45pm

Call everyone you know, E-mail everyone you know, GET THE WORD OUT! Every Scientologist(TM) must attend!!!

Please confirm that you will be attending these events by either: E-mailing us at asho@earthlink.net Calling (888) 841-7131

Now this announcement does have some basis in fact: 2004 was indeed a historic year for Scientology. They got themselves publicly banned from TWO major California school systems! Ordained Scientology minister Reed Slatkin was sentenced to 14 years in prison. Cult poster boy Tom cruise started jabbering to the press about "evil psychs" and is well on his way to being labeled a "kook" by the mainstream media. And in Florida, the Super Power building defacing downtown Clearwater remains unfinished, the Tampa Org is in a persistent vegetative state, and the newly opened Ybor City Org is starving to death while surrounded by raw meat, thanks to a protective barrier of entheta maintained by a couple of SPs on their dinner break.

The old timers are blowing (Tory's phone is always ringing), fleeing the country (anyone get a postcard from Tony Hitchman?), dying off (vaya con Dios, Dr. Denk), or suffering horrific family tragedies (condolences to Megan Shields). In the age of the Internet, these people CANNOT be replaced with fresh blood. This is the real "dwindling spiral" Scientology is so rightly afraid of.

There's more stuff in the pipeline, folks. 2005 is going to be a very interesting year.

-- Dave Touretzky: "Every Scientologist(TM) must attend." http://Stop-Narconon.org http://LisaClause.org

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