Two Wacky, Zany Kids Sort Of In Love
DANIEL RUTH
Published: Jul 13, 2005

I t's little wonder the cultists over at the Church of Scientology regard the medical practice of psychiatry with all the enthusiasm of the PETA people pondering a slab of ribs. After all, if you were some dim- bulb actress who had just agreed to marry Tom Cruise, who has come off lately as more unhinged than Ezra Pound meets ``Cujo,'' wouldn't you suspect you'd need to have your head examined?

And that may explain why the L. Ron Hubbardites have assigned a ``Scientologist chaperone'' to accompany Katie Holmes, the future Mrs. Very Creepy Guy, everywhere she goes.

According to recent news accounts, Jessica Rodriguez has been tasked with the chore of staying closer to Holmes than, well, Kirstie Alley to a deep-dish pizza.

Just exactly what Rodriguez's job is remains a bit unclear, but apparently it has something to do with making sure Holmes doesn't even watch Dr. Phil or any episode of ``The Sopranos'' involving Tony's shrink Dr. Melfi or have the merest exposure to Joyce Brothers.

1st Checks

As for Holmes, the co-star of the latest ``Batman Begins'' movie gushed that she's been taking lessons in Scientology, one of the first of which is the incredibly spiritual writing of the holy checks.

Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!

``I'm learning to celebrate my own spirit, my own being,'' the future Mrs. Oh Dear gushed to W magazine, which must stand for Wackos In Wedding Dresses.

So the future Mrs. Runaway- Runaway!!!, while celebrating her spirit, her being, still needs a chaperone from a bizarre sect to run interference for her just in case she happens to stumble across - what? Reality?

Indeed, Holmes struggled to describe her feelings toward Cruise during the interview. ``You adore him,'' the ever present Rodriguez reminded the independent spiritual being Holmes. Yeah, that's right, that's the ticket. Adore. Yeah.

Steady Job

As long as there are people like Mr. Brrrrrrrrr! around to give you the willies every time he appears in public, there will be paparazzi, celebrity gossip sheets and steady employment for Mary Hart's legs.

The problem, or at least the problem for the publicists and image makers responsible for trying to promote Tom Cruise's leading man/hunkorama persona, they are working in an environment diluted with hype, spin and downright celebrity hooey.

Across the dial there is no shortage of celebrity bilge - ``Star Jones' Wedding - The Inside Story!!!''

Newsstands are bulging with phony tabloid exposes - ``Celebrity Cellulite Exposed!!!''

Cyberspace is brimming with breathless accounts of star-struck palaver - ``Gary Coleman Is An Alien!!!'' (This is true, by the way.)

Or put another way - there is so much claptrap overload about famous people that the gossip- mongering consumer has become more discriminating.

Thus when Cruise proclaims he is goo-goo eyes for a woman who just so happens to have a big movie coming out at the same time as Mr. Makes Howard Dean Look Phlegmatic, it was hardly a shock the public reacted to the news with more skepticism than a North Korean claim of full weapons of mass destruction transparency.

By now, most of us have seen the ``Today'' show's Matt Lauer interview with Cruise over the value of psychiatry, which was a bit like watching the Unabomber debating arms control with Regis and Kelly.

Sure, Cruise came off as more looney tunes than Dr. No meets Mary Todd Lincoln.

But on the other hand, he was being interviewed by a hard- hitting NBC Newsman who has twice appeared on the air dressed in drag as Jennifer Lopez and Paris Hilton.

How insane is that?

You can hear columnist Daniel Ruth from 9 to 11:30 a.m. Saturdays on WFLA, 970 AM. He can be reached at (813) 259-7599

Go Back