Yeah, so Earth Day was celebrated Sunday with an Earth Fair in Balboa Park here. This is a pretty large event, attracting thousands of people.

There were two small booths from the local org, offering Free Stress Tests. They had a prime stakeout spot near both main entrances. An associate and I loitered around the southwest entrance, intercepting unwary celebrants as they left the booth.

The main body router was a bouncy fellow named Brian. He'd dart forward, shake someone's hand with a, "Hi! I'm Brian!" and lead them back to hold the cans. He had a tendency to cry out, "I love dogs!" if someone had one along, and maul the animal without asking. (People have tried that with my green parrot. They invariably wind up shedding a few ounces of precious bodily fluids.) Lucky for Brian, he didn't encounter any cranky, suppressive pit bulls! His cohorts were a few young women; a blonde, an Asian, a brunette, a couple of geeky looking guys, and a middle-aged woman.

This motley collection weren't as aggressive as Brian. They would stand there and passively pipe up to those who strayed too close to their booth, "Hi, would you like to take a stress test?"

We handed out business cards that Susan printed up. They have a picture of Xenu (old school Ming the Merciless Xenu) and some URLs, including scientology.org, along with a suggestion to look at both sides.

Nowhere on the booth was Scientology mentioned. In fact, one man told us he asked if it was Scientology, and they said no, it wasn't. Technically true, they were selling Dianetics books, not Scientology. But, all roads lead to Ron, and we repeatedly pointed that out.

Quite a few people had no idea that it was Scientology-related until we told them. "But, why don't they mention it?" a few asked.

Why, indeed. "Read the websites, all your questions will be answered."

When we began our two-hour loiter at 10:00 am, the older woman at the booth approached us to ask us what we had against Dianetics and Scientology. My associate gave her a card and said, "Read this and you'll understand."

Indeed.

A few people asked us the same thing...what's wrong with Scientology? Well, for example, I told them, the material printed on the back of my tee shirt costs Scientologists up to $300,000 to access.

People would read my shirt and say, "That's crazy!"

Other people asked if we had any group affiliation. Nope, just concerned citizens, we.

Some people knew it was Scientology, and just took the Free Stress Test for kicks. Other people knew about Tom Cruise, Xenu, and barley water.

What made the effort worthwhile were the people who knew about Scientology, but had no idea that the Free Stress Test they'd just taken had anything to do with it. Shock n' awe, baby! Coupled with a healthy dose of disgust.

I asked a few peeps if their stress test results were "You're screwed up. We can help you with that. Bring money." Nope, it wasn't like that. The stress test was simply being used to get passersby close enough to try and sell them a book.

And yet, during those three hours, I didn't see one book change hands! I was watching, mind you. Waiting for the innocent lambs to leave the Scientologists' sphere of influence, so I could swoop and slip them a card and a head's up, I didn't see anyone come away with a copy of The Modern Science of Mental Health.

Last year, the clams had a massive yellow tent, probably a Cavalcade of Lies shindig borrowed from the Volunteer Ministers. This year, they only had a couple of smaller booths covered by those 12'X12' tent things popular at dog shows.

After we handed out all our cards, we wandered over to the other Scientology outpost, just to put in a presence. There, sure enough, was my old pal Lou Gonzalez, whom I've encountered at Comic Conventions and Humanist Society lectures!

Interestingly enough, Lou told my associate that he'd read all the critical websites. But, at the Humanist Society meeting, he said he didn't have time to look at stuff on the web. So, I guess he's just a more personable liar than the ones we usually see. He likes to lean forward and touch your arm when making a point. That guy Brian kind of reminded me of Lou.

We strolled past and my companion yelled out, "Hi Lou!" as we went by. He looked up, briefly in confusion. Then he recognized us, and waved. He said he had no idea we were there! Interesting...since the people at the other tent constantly had cell phones screwed to their ears.

And when I got home, there was a DA flier on my porch! (pic on ABS)

This is true.

ML, -- -- Barb Chaplain, ARSCC xenubarb@netscape.net

"Every week, every month, every year, every decade and now every century, Scientology does weird and stupid things to damage its own reputation." -Steve Zadarnowski

"Comparing Scientology to a motorcycle gang is a gross, unpardonable insult to bikers everywhere. Even at our worst, we are never as bad as Scientology." -ex-member, Thunderclouds motorcycle "club"

"$cientology sees the world this way: One man with a picket sign: terrorism. Five thousand people dead in a deliberate inferno: business opportunity.

$cientology oozes _under_ terrorists to hide." -Chris Leithiser

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