Scientology Inc. Buys McDonalds (Satire, BUT It Could Happen!) By Rene Descartes

It was like a scene out of a Twilight Zone episode. My friend Jim and I suddenly found ourselves in a parking lot of a McDonald's. But along with that was a grind, a grinding in my stomach. I felt starved, liked I hadn't eaten anything for two days. I asked Jim if he was hungry.

He just said that he could go for a bite to eat. I looked out on the road connected to the lot but there was nothing else nearby. I could see other eating places up and down that street but they looked to be a long way off in the distance. I really didn't want to eat at McDonald's but what was I to do? Jim started to walk towards the entrance.

I thought "What the hell", and followed him in. I couldn't believe what I saw when I entered the restaurant. I never remembered McDonalds looking like this. There was a woman at the door.

"May I help you"?

"I just want to get something to eat".

"Please go right over there"

She pointed to a small line of people. Jim and I walked over and waited our turn. After about a minute we were standing in front of another young lady.

"Is this your first time here?"

"Yes"

"How did you find out about McDonalds"

I thought this was odd, but I answered her. "I've known about McDonalds for years".

"That's good. Have you taken the hamburger profile test"?

"The what"?

"The hamburger profile test."

She handed me a small brochure.

"The hamburger profile test is a short test consisting of 200 yes/no/maybe questions which can help determine what kind of hamburger is most suited for your personality"

Jim and I folded the brochures and put them in our pockets.

"We really just want to get something to eat"

"All right. You can fill them out later. May I have your name and address"?

"What? What do you need that for?"

"We'll need your address so we can send you promotional mailings".

"Look, I really just want to get something to eat."

"Okay, just step into that line over there."

She pointed to another short line, just a few feet away.

We walked over to the other line.

"What was that all about?"

Like myself Jim was at odds with the situation. We were standing there in the second line when a young man approached us.

"Might I interest you in any books?"

"Books? I want food."

"Well these books here are the lifeblood of a restaurant.

You should buy one."

I don't know how I didn't notice it before but we were standing next to a walled bookshelf. Must have been the hunger that was blinding me.

"We're having a special this week on this series."

He pointed to some magazine sized books with nice colorful covers. I read the titles out loud as I glanced at them.

"Ron the Cook. Ron the Milkshake Maker. Ron the French Fry King. Ron the Muffin Man. Ron the Big Mac Wizard. Ron the Ice Cream Artist. What the hell is all this?"

"This is a special series of books that gives a pictorial and historical account of L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of McDonalds."

"The founder of McDonalds? What ever happened to Ronald McDonald" The young man suddenly had a startled and stunned look on his face.

"Please, we find it very derogative to refer to Ron in that manner."

"I don't understand. You say this guy founded McDonalds?"

I looked at some of the other books on the shelves and read off some of the titles.

"An Introduction to McDonalds Ethics. Big Mac 8-8008. Have You Cooked Before This Life. McDonalds, the Modern Science of Hamburger Health."

I picked up one that caught my eye. The drawing on the cover depicted a caveman eating what looked like a quarter pound cheeseburger.

"A History of Hamburgers. Jim, you ever seen these?"

"I saw that one advertised on TV".

He was pointing to the Hamburger Health book, which had a nice painted cover of hamburgers flying out of a volcano.

I saw another book entitled "The truth about Pizza" I read a caption off the cover.

"Learn about the exposed truth of how pizza makers have been the cause of all crime for the last millennia. Read about how these same people are trying to infiltrate public schools and get pizza served in the school cafeteria."

I whispered to Jim, "Pizza? But I love pizza."

"Me too", said Jim

The young bookseller spoke to me again; "Do you see anything you like?"

"Look, like I was saying, I really want to eat. I'm starved."

He walked away rather dejectedly. But to my joy we had arrived at the register. A middle aged woman smiled at us.

"May I take your order?"

Jim ordered a chicken sandwich and a shake. The woman said that the chicken sandwich and shake were available for all public. I didn't fully grasp what she was talking about.

I normally don't care for burgers, but I was so hungry that they seemed very appetizing to me at that point in time.

"I'll have a Big Mac, but please no Special Sauce."

"I'm sorry but we don't sell the Big Mac without the special sauce."

"What are you talking about?"

"Our founder L Ron Hubbard developed a very standard procedure for preparing Big Macs. No Big Mac is sold without the special sauce. That would be considered non-standard."

"Geesh! Well give me a double quarter cheese but just put ketchup on it, please."

"I'm afraid we don't sell it that way sir. That would also be non-standard. We only sell that item with ketchup, mustard, and pickles."

I was starting to get very frustrated.

"Do you have a menu?"

She pointed to the wall behind her.

"How about that? What exactly is on that?"

"That is a double quarter cheeseburger with just bacon."

"I'll take that. And a raspberry ice tea."

"Thank you, the total comes to $57.85."

Jim and I both were taken aback.

"What? That much?"

"Yes, provided you buy it before the price increase."

"What price increase?"

"On every exact hour, there is a 5% price increase, implemented by upper management. It's 1:58 now. If you don't buy it within 2 minutes it will cost you $60.74."

We looked in our wallets and pulled out all the cash we had. It amounted to $45.00. We were short about $12.00.

"You can pay for the rest by Master Card."

I yanked out my card and gave it to her.

"Look hurry up. I'm starved"

"When you have finished your meal, you will be eligible for a $2.89 Meal Completion Award."

"Great."

We got our food and proceeded to the dining area. Jim started digging into his chicken sandwich and looked like he was enjoying it. I took a bite into my burger and chewed heartily but that didn't last long.

"Gads! Yuck!" I spit it out. "This burger sucks."

"This chicken is fine, want some?"

Jim broke off a piece of the sandwich and handed it to me. I tried it reluctantly, but found it to be very tasty.

"I'll have to get one of these."

I walked up to the counter and asked for the manager. A clean-cut executive type man came to my spot.

"This burger is awful. I'd like a chicken sandwich."

"But sir, you haven't completed your burger yet. When you finish your burger you can sign up for a chicken sandwich."

"No wait, you missed something there. I said this burger sucks"

"No you didn't, you said it was awful"

"What's the difference. It stinks"

"Is there something you don't understand about your meal.

I can have one of our specialists sit with you and help you so that you will be able to digest that burger."

"Look, give me a chicken sandwich and we'll call it even."

"Okay, I can do that. But you'll have to fill this out and sign it.

"What's that?"

"It's a Success Story. You just write on here how much you enjoyed your Bacon Double Quarter Pound Cheeseburger."

"But I didn't enjoy it!"

"Well, sir I can have one of our specialists sit with you and take care of any upset you have concerning you meal."

"Look forget it, Just give me my money back!"

"Sir, we will gladly refund all your money to you, buy you do realize that you will never be able to eat at McDonalds again."

"I don't care. Give me my money back, now!"

"Okay sir. Here fill this out and we'll return your money."

He handed me what looked like a booklet. It was filled with questions and places to answer the questions. A quick glance at it told me that I was also going to have to see many people in that restaurant before I saw a penny.

"Look, forget it!"

I walked back to the dining area. A woman was talking with Jim. I overheard her saying something about a commission for bringing in people to eat at McDonalds.

"Jim, let's go."

The lady was brusque.

"I am talking to your friend!"

"I'll only be a minute, Rene."

"I'll wait for you outside."

I walked out the door to a new scene. Something had taken shape in the parking lot while I was in the restaurant.

I was now bearing witness to a group of people standing around with picket signs. I walked up to them and glanced at the signs. I read some of them out loud.

"McDonalds breaks up families. Ask McDonalds about fair game. McDonalds kills."

I walked up to them.

"Are you serious? You mean this?"

"Every word of it."

"You got be kidding. This is a restaurant we're talking about. How do they break up families?"

"See that lady over there?" He pointed to a woman shaking a sign. The sign read "McDonalds, give me back my son."

"She hasn't seen her son for over a year."

"McDonalds? A restaurant won't let her see her son? What the hell is going on here?"

"Sir, McDonalds likes people to believe that they are a restaurant chain but they are actually something that one could never imagine to be, something so insidious."

"A restaurant chain? Insidious?"

"Yes! McDonalds talks some of the people that eat there into signing one billion year contracts to work for their higher level organization, an organization that actually robs people and gives them nothing or at very best little in return."

"Well I feel like I just got robbed in there! But I just don't want to have anything to do with them."

"Sir, you should speak out and tell the world your story."

"Well, I'm kind of hungry right now."

"Sir, five years ago McDonalds locked up one of their patrons, a young woman, and fed her nothing but hamburger buns for two weeks. She died while under their care."

"McDonalds did that?"

"Have you ever heard of Xune?"

"Xune? No I haven't"

He showed me another sign. "Ask McDonalds about Xune".

"This is what they don't want you to know until you have gone to eat at the place they call their Hamburger Land base in Florida" "And what is Xune?"

"Here sir, read this."

He handed me a pamphlet. I walked away only to see some McDonalds employees come out into the parking lot. It looked like an argument was going on. I walked away and read the pamphlet.

I couldn't believe my eyes. The pamphlet claimed that McDonald's holds a secret belief that its founder discovered years ago. It said that 75,000,000 years ago the evil intergalactic Burger King Xune captured many of the people from all the nearby planets and tied them to volcanoes. He then detonated nuclear bombs and collected up the spirits of all those people and had them ground into hamburger meat. After they were shown Galloping Gourmet videos for 40 days he then set them loose on Earth and claims that ever since then they have been repeatedly recycled through all the ground beef, veal, pork, lamb, and chicken. They claim that Hubbard's culinary methods are the only way to free these beings and to free this planet from the trap of the Burger Thetans, or BTs.

Just when I was getting to a point where I wanted to get away from all this insanity, a casually dressed man approached me.

"Sir, you look hungry. May I interest you in a meal?"

"Not if it's at McDonalds"

"No sir, it isn't. But if you come with me I can get you something good to eat."

He led me to the other side of the parking lot. There was a van parked there. He opened the door and told me to sneak in. I did so and was greeted by an aroma that I'll never forget.

"Something smells good."

"And it's available for a good price sir"

"But I don't have..." I reached into my pockets thinking that they were empty but I found something.

"Wait, I do have some money. Wow! But I only have two dollars"

"Sir, that should be able to get you something."

"Yeah, well whatever I smell that's what I want. What is it?

"Chili"

"Oh yeah! Now you're talking. Is it spicy?"

"Sure is"

"Oh man, give me whatever this will pay for." I handed him the two dollars.

He set a big bowl down on the table. That was some delicious Chili. I finished it quickly and felt refreshed.

"I suppose you want me to sign something saying I liked the chili?"

"Only if you really want to."

"You're going to let me leave without a problem?"

"Of course"

"Not gonna say I have to come back?"

"Only if you want to get something to eat here."

"What's the name of this place?"

"This is the Freezone Express. I once worked for McDonalds.

But I came to realize that man does not live on McDonalds alone." I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote "That chili was awesome, great service", and handed it to the man.

I left the van and walked back towards the restaurant to wait for Jim. He still was not around. A woman walked up to me. "You are Rene Descartes?"

"Yeah."

"Here."

She handed me two pieces of paper. I looked at the top one. It said "SP Declare" on it.

"What the hell is this?"

"Just what it says." She walked away.

I was now holding a piece of paper that was saying that I was being labeled an SP by McDonalds because I was associating with criminals and eating at restaurants that were designed with the intent to kill mankind.

"What the hell is an SP?"

One of the picketers walked up to me.

"That would be 'Stir-fry Personality'. They use that term to describe a person that will eat virtually anything.

McDonalds especially has a strong aversion to Oriental food. Hence the term "stir-fry".

"But I won't eat just anything! I like to think I have good taste!" "It really doesn't matter. That declare is just a meaningless piece of paper. If anything it means you are free and not tied down to the rules that McDonalds feels the whole world should abide by."

"What's this other paper? Hey it's a letter from my friend Jim!" I read the letter and gasped. I could not believe it. My best friend Jim was telling me that he signed a billion-year contract to work at McDonalds and that because I was declared an SP by McDonalds, he was severing all ties with me.

"What the hell is this 'disconnect' that he's talking about?"

"McDonalds believes that their way is the only way. If somebody wishes to eat differently and complains to the world about the meals and methods of McDonalds they tell their workers and patrons to disconnect from them, even if they are family or friends."

"This is a restaurant we are talking about! This is crazy!

I'm getting out of here!"

I walked away from the parking lot and walked up the road.

I heard a voice in back of me.

"Rene! Rene!"

It was Jim.

"Jim you're back!"

"Oh yeah. That was too crazy. I had to get out of there.

Man I'm in the mood for some pizza!"

Suddenly we saw several of the employees from McDonalds walking towards us. We turned to run away, but there were more in the other direction. We were going to run across the street but there were some more on the other sidewalk.

We ran up the hill, but the harder we ran, the more it seemed like we weren't getting anywhere. I heard chanting.

"Rene, Rene, Rene"

I awoke to the sound of my wife's voice.

"Rene, get up. You're supposed to meet Jim at the mall and get the kids some Christmas presents."

"Yeah, right."

I got up and readied myself. I felt relief that what I had just experienced was a dream. Later on I met Jim at the mall and we picked up some presents for my kids and his kids. It was lunchtime. "Jim, wanna head over to the food court?"

"Yeah, what do you want to get?"

"I don't know, let's decide when we get there."

We walked into the food court and strangely enough the two of us were standing in front of McDonalds. I looked into the restaurant and felt mesmerized. I looked at Jim and he looked the same. We stood there and stared at McDonalds for the better part of five minutes. Time seemed to stand still. We didn't say a word. Suddenly without further thought we turned to each other and at the same time voiced the same words. "Pizza!"

Then we both headed towards the Leaning Tower of Pizza.

I thought I heard Rod Serling's voice off in the distance.

RD00

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