Fort Harrison Hotel Opens Drive-Thru Auditing Window by Earl Camembert Clearwater, FL
December 6,2000
This morning I was invited to attend the grand opening of the first ever drive-thru Scientology ™ auditing window, located at the side of Scientology’s Ft. Harrison complex in Clearwater, Florida.

This new facility has been over two years in the making, and required extensive modifications to the building, such as covering over most of the windows, tearing up all the sidewalks on three sides of the complex, and assembling lots of scaffolding and pylons which seemed to serve no apparent purpose.

The new drive-thru auditing lane resembles those found at most fast- food restaurants, except there is no menu of services displayed on the outside. As soon as a client’s vehicle pulls up alongside, a console extends out to the driver’s side window, containing a pair of wired soup cans, and a credit card slot. The subject then commences auditing right from the comfort of their automobile.

Myron Fenderhoft, today’s spokesperson for the planet’s fastest-growing religion, explained the need for providing up-to-date program delivery services to the church’s rapidly-expanding cadre of higher life forms.

“ What you need to understand is that we’re not remaining stuck in the 50’s like some of our insane criminal critics have claimed. This new system is all top-line. Almost all of it was custom designed by successful local companies which share our planetary vision but can not be legally tied to us in any shape or form.” Mr. Fenderhoft pointed to a camera mounted low on a corner of the main building, pointed in a different direction than the sixteen other cameras mounted there.

“Look there. We have a state-of-the-art licence-plate scanning system which checks for proper ownership, credit history, liens on the vehicle, you know – all the basics. Now, that’s an impressive use of this new technology. It means, if the client is downstat, the vehicle can be immediately seized and sold at one of our Keeping Scientology Working ™ Bake Sale and Property Auctions.” And the nagging problem of the protesters crossing the driveway in front of the drive-thru lane?

“YOU called them protesters. We call them speed bumps.” When asked about the problem of having to sit in line behind someone having a marathon auditing session, Myron replied “Hey, we’ve got ‘em for a billion years, who cares if they have to wait in line for awhile.

Besides, have you seen the morning lineup at the local Krispy Kreme?

Now, THAT’s a lineup!” Mr. Fenderhoft also explained the curious sighting of people standing in the drive-thru lineup, minus their car. “ Oh, that….well, sometimes if we need transportation for an essential planet-clearing mission or a quick kidna – uh – intervention or something, we requisition the vehicle for an hour or two. However, we guarantee that the client will not lose their place in line, as long as they don’t leave.” With that, Mr. Fenderhoft retreated inside the Ft. Harrison Spiritual Enlightenment Center, being careful to remain more than 10 feet away from anyone NOT wearing a vacant expression and a “ DM wants YOU !” button.

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"All that is required for tyranny to triumph is for good men to do
nothing".
GS1100, phD.(mail-order),BSc.(incomplete),PTS,SP1

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