Scientology a pickpocket religion - Volante - Opinion

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According to an entertainment marketing agency web site, Americans spent $413 million on entertainment last year alone. So when a well-known celebrity like Tom Cruise starts jumping on couches and picking fights with Matt Lauer on national television, it's not surprising he's turned a few heads.

Usually, when a celebrity draws media attention for his or her antics, the public lets out a collective "Hmm..." then goes about its merry way. Unlike other seemingly off-the-wall celebrities like Dennis Rodman, Winona Ryder, or Michael Jackson, Tom Cruise has his own special brand of crazy, and it rears its ugly head through Scientology. To the average Jane or Joe Schmoe, Scientology initially seems like a run of the mill new age religion, sort of like what would happen if Enya started a church.

They just want to make you a better person, help you live up to your potential, and all kinds of good stuff like that. Sounds great! "So," you might say to yourself, "how can I hop on the Scientology bandwagon?" Well, it's quite simple, really. First, you start with a free personality test, to see if you really need Scientology.

To save you some time, trust me: you need Scientology. When you realize how much you really need Scientology, you're on the right path to being a successful Scientologist. Just make sure to bring your credit card. Scientology doesn't cost an arm and a leg; it's more like five arms and six legs.

Then you might say to yourself, "But self, I don't have that kind of money!" That's fine.

Scientologists are so helpful, they'll take out bank loans in your name (whether you want one or not), max out your credit cards, get a second mortgage on your house, or force you to work up to 100 hours per week. It's worth it when, half a million dollars later, they tell you all the big secrets: namely, that humans evolved from clams, and evil spirits are infesting your body.

This is why Tom Cruise is so much scarier than your average crazy celebrity. He's not weird for the sake of being weird, or because he wants attention and a bigger gross for his upcoming movie. It's because he's been in a cult for the last 20 years, and is now one of their higher-ranking members.

Even better, this isn't your everyday cult, either. Scientology is looking to go mainstream.

Granted, they're not the first fringe church to attempt to do so, but when you're talking about an organization that's part Jerry Falwell and part Mafia, it definitely complicates the situation. On top of that, Tom Cruise isn't the only Scientologist in Hollywood - he gets to share that title with the likes of John Travolta and Kirstie Alley. From there, it isn't much of a leap for them to switch from entertainment to politics.

If Tom Cruise ever becomes Senator Cruise or even President Cruise, I'm thinking Canada might start looking pretty inviting.

Reach columnist Angie Buhl at abuhl@usd.edu.

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