> It's that time again! The awards this year are
> classic. These awards are given each year to bestow
> upon (the remains of) that individual, who through
> single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to
> remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
> We present the 2001 "Natural Selection" awards:
>
>
> 5th RUNNER-UP: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man
> who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth
> Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a
> foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced
> dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident
> occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's
> Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had
> hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some
> yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike
> Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The
> pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers.
> The group apparently used the pads to slide down the
> ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has
> since been investigated and determined the tower he
> hit was the one with its pad removed.
>
>
> 4th RUNNER-UP: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was
> apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market.
> When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo
> grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked
> out without paying. Police found him unconscious in
> front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch
> wiener from his throat where it had choked him to
> death.
>
>
> 3rd RUNNER-UP: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of
> Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an
> overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell
> on him.
>
>
> 2nd RUNNER-UP: "Man loses face at party." A man at a
> West Virginia party, (probably related to the winner
> last year, a man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to
> replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a
> blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering
> an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and
> tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the
> blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday
> night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
>
> "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery
> and was trying to explode it." "It wouldn't go off and
> this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put
> it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth
> out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer
> was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with
> extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson
> at Charleston Area Medical Division.
>
> "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like
> that," Payne said.
>
>
> 1st RUNNER-UP: Doctors at Portland University Hospital
> said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting
> arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon
> from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right
> eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's
> rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known
> now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass,
> Oregon.
>
> A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but
> the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said
> that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a
> major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts
> would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny
> Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said
> the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with
> the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet
> somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
> Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the
> arrow out on his own he surely would have killed
> himself.
>
> Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends
> had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I
> feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed,
> but the Josephine County district attorney's office
> said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
>
>
> THIS YEAR'S WINNER: (The late) John Pernicky and his
> friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of
> Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica
> concert at the George Washington amphitheatre.
>
> Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between
> them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the
> nine foot fence and sneak into the show.
>
> They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and
> the plan was for Mr.Pernicky, who was 100-pounds
> heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then
> assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late)
> Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other
> side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he
> found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was
> abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm)by a
> large branch that snagged him by his shorts.
>
> Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked
> down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring
> the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket
> knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free
> himself from he tree.
>
> Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes.
> The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now,
> without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch
> penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on
> landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh.
>
> Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable
> pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull
> him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck
> and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken
> haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed
> through the fence landing on his friend and killing
> him.
>
> Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its
> driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the
> scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the
> truck, they found John under it, half-naked, scratches
> on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in
> his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch
> 25-feet in the air.
>
>
> Congratulations gentlemen, you win.

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