Scientology --- Daybee Boy Buys the New York Yankees (Satire)

Daybee Boy Buys the New York Yankees (Satire)

It had to be a nightmare. I refused to accept it as fact, but I had to because it was true. Daybee Boy had gone and done it. He bought the New York Yankees. Would the greatest team in the history of baseball ever win another World Series? Only time would tell. I tried to explain the potential horrors to my friend Joe at work. He did not understand. Joe has a friend "Monty" who is the assistant to Brian Cashman, the General Manager of the Yankees. I told Joe to tell Monty that the organization was now an accident just waiting to happen, but when Joe tried to tell this to Monty, his friend just answered back that the Yankees will continue to live at the top of the heap. He even went as far as inviting Joe and I to Yankee Stadium to spend some time close at hand and observe for ourselves that things would be just fine. How could Joe and I turn down an offer like that?

We arrived at the stadium on a Saturday afternoon and Monty treated us to a niece meal at the stadium restaurant. He brought us up to a conference room and seated us along the outer wall. Joe Torre and Brian Cashman soon arrived. They approached us and Monty introduced us to each other. Cashman gave us a good businessman's handshake. We then shook hands with Joe Torre and his strong grip made it clear to me why he was able to handle a bat the way he did during his playing days.

The three of them walked over to the conference table. The acoustics in the room projected their speech well.

Cashman> Dayb is supposed to be bringing some consultants with him. He said something about them being wise consultants.

Monty> Brian, I thought that the word WISE was the name of their organization Cashman> I see. Well, we'll just have to see what transpires here.

Joe, did you read all of those papers that Dave gave to us?

Torre> Yeah. I have some questions.

Cashman> You too, huh?

The doors opened and Daybee Boy and two other men walked in. Torre, Cashman, and Monty stood to greet them.

Daybee> (Looking up) Hello gentlemen. Ready to start?

Torre> (Looking down) Hello Dayb Cashman> We're all set, Dayb.

Daybee> Good. These are our two consultants, Slatkyn and Hitchmyn.

All> Hello, hello hi etc.

The new arrivals sat on the other side of the table.

Daybee> Start of meeting! We have a lot of matters to take care of here. Joe, have you read all of the bulletins and policies that I gave to you?

Torre> Yes I did Dayb. Kept me up half the night, but I made it through.

Daybee> That's great Joe! And how about you two?

Cashman> Yes

Monty> I read them.

Daybee> Good! That means that everything I go over today should be totally clear to you. (Pulls out a list) Item #1, Giambi. Joe do you see what I'm coming to here?

Torre> Well, not exactly Dayb.

Daybee> Joe, Giambi's stats have been down this year.

Torre> Well, he did have that big hit the other night and he did make that great defensive play.

Daybee> Joe, I'm talking about the bigger picture here. Here look at this graph. (Holds up a stat sheet displaying a graph). See this line here? He's a downstat!

Torre> Well, gee Dayb, the season is still young. I mean you're comparing his final batting average from the last three seasons to what he's done so far.

Daybee> Joe! Look! The graphs speak for themselves. But don't worry, I got it figured out! He's PTS!

Torre> PTS? You mean that thing I read about in that bulletin?

Daybee> Definitely Joe! And you know the person that he's connected to that's making him PTS?

Torre> No Dayb, I sorry to say that I can't.

Daybee> It's his brother. His brother, Jeremy - he plays for the Red Sox, our sworn enemies.

Torre> Well Dayb, Granted there has been what's considered a rivalry over the years between the Yankees and the Red Sox, but I hardly think that means that there is some rift between Jason and his brother. I mean things seemed fine when they talked to each other the other night.

Daybee> Ah ha! See! See what I mean? Joe you tell Jason that he's going to have to write a letter to his brother telling him that unless he comes to his senses and stops associating with that suppressive Red Sox team, this is going to be considered a breach of contract. You got that? As long as his brother is on the Red Sox Jason is going to have to disconnect from him!

Torre> Disconnect from his brother?

Daybee> That's right Joe. Consider this matter closed! Next topic!

David Wells!

Torre> What? What about "Boomer"?

Daybee> Joe, you know in that book he wrote he admitted that he has been drinking.

Torre> Well, yeah. But it hasn't gotten out of hand.

Daybee> Joe, the guy's an alcoholic!

Torre> David Wells? But Dayb, he's got some of the best stats in the league right now.

Daybee> Hey, we're going to take care of this before it gets out of hand! Did you read that bulletin on the Purf?

Torre> That thing with the sauna? Yeah, I did. I checked with the team doctor and he didn't think that it would be a good idea to undergo something like that.

Daybee> Forget about that doctor. He's fired!

Torre> You cut him loose?

Daybee> That's right Joe. But that's another matter. You tell Wells that he has to be in that sauna everyday until he reaches the end phenomena or he's going to be shipped out! You got that?

Torre> (Scratching his head) Well, if you say so. But I still think that… Daybee> End of cycle on that Joe! Okay next on the agenda. How are those assists coming along?

Torre> (Shifting uncomfortably in his chair) Dayb, I think there might be some issues with that.

Daybee> What are you talking about Joe?

Torre> Well Dayb, those touch assists didn't go over well with the guys…well except for Matsui. He seemed to get a kick out it. He said it reminded him of Japanese acupuncture except without the needles.

But the others didn't take too kindly to it.

Daybee> Well Joe, they probably need more of them. What about the nerve assists?

Torre> That went over with a couple of the guys. Jeter and Mondesi liked it, but Dave, all the others would prefer to have the people that do massages back and another thing Dayb, you fired our trainers.

They were valuable.

Daybee> Joe, those trainers aren't educated on these matters. Just give it a little time. Before you know it, the whole team will be knocking at the door for assists. Now let's move onto the next issue here, Joe, we have to sit down and have a serious look at Roger Clemens.

Torre> Rocket? Why Dayb? He's doing fine. A picture of health. Still going strong. He's got a good chance to win 20 games this year for us.

Daybee> You're missing it again. Joe, do I have to spell it out for you? He used to play for the Red Sox!

Torre> Yeah, so?

Daybee> Joe has anybody done a sec-check on this guy?

Torre> That sec-check thing you had me read about? The one with all those questions about so-called crimes against the Yankees?

Daybee> Joe, that sec-check was tailor-made for Clemens. We have to make sure that there is no security issue here. He might be going along good right now, but Joe, look at his roots! One day he could just up and BAM – stab us in the back!

Torre> Dayb, this is pretty serious stuff here. I mean I think it's pretty obvious that Roger wears Yankee pin-stripes with pride, through and through.

Daybee> (Sighs) Joe I'll tell what, you are really putting up for him here. I guess we can do it this way. This can work too. Have Clemens do an O/W write-up and then we'll give him an e-meter exam when he's finished. If things come up clean, then we'll pass on the sec-check.

But the second things get questionable, that's it! He's in the chair Joe. That's it on that matter! Next! That issue about the doctored photograph!

Cashman> Yes Dayb. The other night when it was raining there were a lot of empty seats. Our website posted pictures of the game and where there should have been were sections of empty seats, as you know, you had somebody fill in the empty areas with crowds of people so that the stadium looked like it was at full capacity. There were many newspaper articles the following day saying that we doctored the photographs. I did what you told me and replied that those areas of the photographs did not develop well, so we filled in a few spots.

Daybee> That's good. Is that matter settled then?

Cashman> Well, there was one other problem. During the pasting somebody left out the heads of a few people.

Daybee> Well, don't even bother responding to that one. And speaking of empty seats did you read the call-in bulletins?

Cashman> Yes. Dayb are you sure it's a good idea to call every season ticket holder before each game to confirm that they are going to be coming to the game?

Daybee> Hey how else are we going to make sure that we have a packed house every game.

Cashman> Dayb, some season ticket holders sell or give away certain games to other people. Some of the season ticket holders are corporations. We may not even know who actually has a specific seat for that game.

Daybee> Well, the people doing call-in are going to have to be trained in finding out who has the tickets.

Cashman> Dayb, there's another thing. In order to call everybody on the lists, it's going to mean that we will have to hire over 100 people just to make all the calls within an 8 hour shift.

Daybee> Hey just do it! If we have to we'll go on an "All Hands". The ballplayers are going to have to chip in here. There's money to be made. Now the final issues here! Let me read off this list.

(Papers shuffling)

Daybee> Get rid of that ugly stadium organ and hire the Jive Aces, start selling the Hubbard Hot Dog and Brewmeister Ron Beer, put the bust of LRH in Monument Park, a plaque for LRH, an office for LRH next to mine, construct a volcano in the black section in center field and whenever a Yankee hits a home run, the volcano erupts, no more "Yankee Stadium", the ball park will now be called L Ron Hubbard Memorial Stadium and we'll reveal that during the next home stand, and from now on the nickname of this stadium will be called "The House That Ron Built". Everybody get that?

Torre> Dayb, can I ask a question?

Daybee> Sure Joe, that's what I'm here for.

Torre> Dayb, who exactly is this Hubbard guy? I don't ever in all my life recollect hearing about anybody named L Ron Hubbard having anything to do with baseball.

Daybee> Joe, you never heard of him?

Torre> No Dayb.

Daybee> (Pulls out a large photograph) Joe take a look at this.

(Holds up photograph)

Torre> (Staring at photograph) I don't get it Dayb. I see a picture of a guy, looks to be dressed, oh I'd say 1930s or so. That looks like a college or something and what's that in the background? (Leans forward) Oh! A baseball field in the background. Yeah so I still don't get it. What is that picture for anyways?

Daybee> Joe, this photograph is going to be the cover of our new promotional book that we will be marketing.

Torre> What book?

Daybee> The book that will forever change the name of baseball as we know it! "Ron the Slugger"!

Torre> Ron the Slugger?

Daybee> Every Yankee fan - and might I add not just the Yankee fans - but everybody in the country, no, make that the world will be grabbing at this hot item. Now everybody can read all about the man that taught none other than Babe Ruth how to play baseball!

Cashman> Ruth? Dayb, wait a second. I read that piece you gave me on this guy. He was born in 1911. If he taught Babe Ruth how to play ball, he would have had to have been a mere infant at the time.

Daybee> Exactly Brian. That's what makes it so incredible! One of the greatest players of all time was taught to play ball by a man who was destined to become mankind's greatest friend!

I had seen enough. That was it. I erupted in a frenzied fury. I stormed out of my chair. Dayb and his cohorts were shocked when they saw me. I realized then that they had been oblivious to me and my friend Joe sitting off watching this absurd meeting.

Rene> This is an abomination! You're going to destroy this team and all of its great history! That does it! I'm not going to stop until I've made it clear to everybody in the world about your intentions!

You aren't going to do this to America's team Daybee Boy!

Torre and Monty had gotten up from their chairs and they were holding me back. I was screaming. My friend Joe put his hand on my shoulder and gave me a shake "Rene, Rene, Rene".

I awoke and there was my wife shaking me in bed.

Wife> Rene, wake up. What the hell is going on? Did you have another one of those crazy dreams again? That does it, no more of that A.R.S.

before you go to bed!

Rene> No honey, I'm fine really I am.

Wife> Well you better get up! You and your friend Joe from work are supposed to be bringing our son to Yankee Stadium today.

Rene> Oh, yeah. That's right.

I readied myself and my young boy. We headed out towards the Big Apple and picked up my friend Joe on the way.

Joe> Hey Rene, guess what? Monty called me last night. We're going to meet him at the executive entrance and he's bringing us to meet Cashman and Steinbrenner.

I was relieved to hear that Steinbrenner, was still the owner of the Yankees, and not good ol' Daybee Boy

Rene> Hey that sounds great.

Joe> And guess what else? We're going to get to sit with the players after, you know, chit chat and get some autographs!

Rene> Wow, that's awesome. My son is going to love that.

We arrived at the stadium and after walking to the exec entrance we were escorted to Joe's friend, Monty. He led us down a corridor towards George Steinbrenner's office.

Monty> George is in the middle of cutting a deal with somebody right now – a real big deal. But he's almost done.

We entered Steinbrenner's office. He was standing in front of his desk facing our direction. In front of him was a short man with his back towards us. Steinbrenner was shaking this short guy's hand and I could hear him saying with a big smile.

Steinbrenner> That's a done deal!

I panicked. My heart raced. For the next few seconds everything was blurry and in slow motion. I reached out my hand towards Steinbrenner and screamed at the top of my lungs

Rene> NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I stood there breathing heavily. Things were dragging on so slow. It seemed like those few seconds were lasting forever. Monty was holding me on one side, Joe on the other. I could hear the blood pounding through the veins and arteries in my brain. The short man turned slowly around and it seemed to take an eternity for his face to appear. I saw who it was. I turned to Monty. My breathing slowed down.

My heart was starting to relax.

Rene> It's Paul Simon! It's Paul Simon!

Monty> Yes, it's Paul Simon. George is setting up a deal for Paul Simon to sing "America the Beautiful", during the 7th inning stretch to honor the fallen heroes of 9/11.

Rene> He's not selling the team?

Monty> No. What are you talking about?

I had finally calmed down.

Rene> Oh, nothing. No. No. This is great. Fantastic. Beautiful.

(I looked at George and Paul)

Rene> Mr. Steinbrenner, Mr. Simon, a pleasure meeting you. I'm here to enjoy the game today. Thank you for inviting me.

(They looked a little puzzled)

Rene> Hey, what do you say there son? Time for some autographs?

Son> Yeah dad.

As we walked out of the office, out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw Forrest Whitaker doing an impersonation of Rod Serling.

Rd00

Go Back