?????? Let Down By Your Sock-Puppets ??????

?????? Do Internet Revelations make YOUR CULT Look DUMB ??????

The life of a busy Cult Leader has never been more pressured than in TODAY'S HI-COMMUNICATION WORLD!

You hardly have TIME to SUCK the CASH out of some BRAIN-DAMAGED MARK before ANTI-RELIGIOUS BIGOTS are WHINING about it ALL OVER THE INTERNET!

???? IS THERE AN ANSWER ?????

!!!!!! YY*EE*SS !!!!!!!

!!!!!!! LET DR. XNAP HELP YOU !!!!!!!

!!!!!!!! WITH XNAPTECH=AE BREMENIUM(tm) TECHNOLOGY* !!!!!!!

While studying Advanced Paraphysical Chemistry at the University of Klagenfurt, Dr. Eugene Xnap stumbled onto the PIER TO TOTAL SOCKPUPPETRY(tm)!

WE HAVE ACTUAL PHOTOS!

His extraordinary research revealed a HITHERTO UNDISCOVERED ELEMENT!

DENSER than Administratium!

MORE OBSCURE than Bolonium!

!!!!!!!! XNAPTECH=AE BREMENIUM(tm) TECHNOLOGY* !!!!!!!

NO LONGER have your sock-puppets dry up and blow away!

NO LONGER let BIGOTS make YOUR CULT look like CHEAP GREEDHEADS!

NO LONGER be humiliated by sneerers, scoffers, jokers & degraders!

Dr. Xnap's Nodel Prize-winning** research clearly indicates how YOU, Joe Cult Leader, can deploy sock puppets who will REALLY "SOCK" IT TO THOSE BIGOTED HATE-FILLED IGNORANT CRITICS!

"OK, Dr. Xnap," you must be saying, "this sounds good,"

"but how is it done?"

It's EASY! Just give Dr. Xnap MONEY!*** In return, you receive a LIFETIME SUPPLY**** of BREMENIUM(tm)!

Simply add XnapTech=AE Bremenium(tm) to your culties' normal diet (niacin and algae) and see how their nueronal cell membranes***** IMMEDIATELY PROLIFERATE!

Next, apply the XnapTech=AE X-Meter(tm) to the soles of the cultie's bare feet while the cultie is strapped in a chair (this SOUNDS CRUEL but it ISN'T - deluded culties LOVE this stuff) Snap the X-Meter(tm) dial to six points beyond AGONY and WOW!

Your deluded culties are able to type POSTINGS from a SCRIPT!

"That's amazing, Dr. Xnap", I hear you say, "I'd never have thought those imbeciles could be so productive!"

But Dr. Xnap's voyage of STARTLING DISCOVERY didn't end there!

YES! Dr. Xnap discovered, in REAL experiments with 273 victims, that culties can be turned into INTERNET DISCUSSION GURUS!

These laboratory facts indicate that by stimulating the nueronal cell membranes with Bremenium(tm), while yelling loudly at the cultie, you can produce the XnapTech=AE Twelve-Tone Scale(tm) of SOCKPUPPET COLORS!

1) Bremenium(tm) Classic: able to remember three things about BIGOTS while IGNORING their pitiful jibes! INCREDIBLY effective!

2) LameDuck(tm): NEVER engages with issues EMBARRASSING to your cult!

Ex-members will CAVE IN under a HAIL of BASELESS ACCUSATION!

3) SledDog(tm): Able to ASSASSINATE CHARACTER by ACCUSATION ALONE!

NEVER FAILS to call a CRITIC a CRIMINAL!

These POWERS of PERSUASION will WIN PUBLIC OPINION!

4) Bart(tm): Appears to be CLUELESS NEWBIE! FALLS in LOVE with YOUR CULT! Converts will FOLLOW in their DROVES!

5) AJ(tm): OUTSTANDINGLY effective PERSONAL ABUSE! Requires only PHOTOS! Gets SYMPATHY for YOUR CAUSE!

6) Mandible(tm): Compares YOUR CRITICS to Goebbels! (Feature can be disabled for Aryan cults) Invents CONSPIRACIES! Spouts LEGALESE!

Critics will SHUDDER into SILENCE!

7) StveJ(tm): Optimised for REGURGITATING PLATITUDES AT LENGTH!

Equipped with 3rd-rate GRASP of WORLD AFFAIRS!

GUARANTEED to IMPRESS unaligned lurkers!

8) LaserClam(tm): Posts random one-liners from YOUR CULT'S SCRIPTURES!= Makes YOUR CULT look like a REAL RELIGION!

9) FreddieT(tm): AMAZINGLY repetitive style! Able to OBSESSIVELY RE-POST a range of badly-formatted messages ALMOST INDEFINITELY!

NO CRITIC can read more than one FreddieT(tm) post without LOSING CONSCIOUSNESS due to BOREDOM!

10) PLight(tm): Adopts PIOUS TONE! Claims to KNOW NETIQUETTE!

Old-time digerati will LOVE YOUR CULT AND GIVE YOU MONEY!

11) TravisSargent(tm): UNBELIEVABLE rate of posting! Operates perfectly on RICE AND BEANS ALONE!

12) Mikesmith3(tm): Able to DROP DISCUSSIONS WHEN THEY GET TOO HOT!

Bigoted critics will REEL before his non-argumentative powers!

!!!!!! SPECIAL BONUS !!!!!!

If you sign up for a Lifetime Supply of XNAPTECH=AE BREMENIUM(tm) in the NEXT TEN DAYS Dr. Xnap will send you FOUR DORSAI666s ABSOLUTELY FREE!
Imagine how much MORE TIME you'll have to address rallies of DELUDED CULTIES when you have XNAPTECH=AE BREMENIUM(tm) TECHNOLOGY ON YOUR SIDE!

Imagine how much MORE TIME you'll have to conduct 'IMPORTANT RESEARCH' when you have XNAPTECH=AE BREMENIUM(tm) TECHNOLOGY ON YOUR SIDE!

Imagine how much MORE TIME you'll have to lounge in the JACUZZI with CELEBRITY CULTIES when you have XNAPTECH=AE BREMENIUM(tm) TECHNOLOGY ON YOUR SIDE!

Imagine HARDER!

NOW REALLY HARD!!

NOW SEND MONEY!!!
"Yes, Dr. Xnap, I'd be proud to give you money!"

[] Introductory lifetime supply $ 100 [] One Month lifetime supply $ 1000 [] One Year lifetime supply $ 20000 [] Spooky Stuff lifetime supply $ 30000 [] Lifetime lifetime Supply $ 350000 [] Previous Lifetimes lifetime supply $ 3500000 [] Golden Mark Previous Universe supply $ 10000000 [] Xnap X-Meter(tm) $ 2500****** "I will be paying by:"

[] Visa [] Mastercard [] Incomplete building And RUSH YOUR ORDER TO Dr. Xnap's Nu-Tech Metanoia Warehouse Waterfront Road, Key Stone FLA http://www.xnap.xnap.xnap.nu * Bremenium(tm) constitutes religious technology in the sense that it costs a lot of money and doesn=92t work ** The Ossetian Nodel Prize is not connected in any way to the Swedish Nobel Prize Committee *** Your consumer rights unaffected, but what do YOU do when someone asks for their money back?

**** If your cult survives for less than a year after your purchase of Bremenium(tm), you may return it unused in its original wrapper.

You *still* don't get your money back.

***** nueronal cell membranes are religious quantities detectable only by measuring skin resistance. Such measurement does not constitute medical treatment.

****** Not available on E-Bay All trademarks admonished (Dr. Xnap has been made a doctor by an Act of Congress)

Go Back