May 25, 2005 -- HE's leaping on couches! He's smooching for the cameras! He's swearing to Reader's Digest, "I love women"! He's . . . " . . . nutso!" says an A-list celeb publicist who can't believe the embarrassing display Tom Cruise has been putting on to hawk his little-believed romance with Katie Holmes. "The Oprah segment made me want to puke."

If Cruise is going to remain one of the biggest movie stars in the world instead of a laughingstock - remember, even Michael Jackson was on top once - he needs a quick infusion of p.r. advice, stat.

Cruise fired his longtime publicist Pat Kingsley, possibly the most feared and respected name in the business, last year only to replace her with his less experienced sister, Lee Anne DeVette, a fellow Scientologist.

Now he threatens to vaporize himself with his own p.r. death rays as he attacks planet Earth with media appearances to promote his movie "War of the Worlds."

In recent days he has:

‡ Jumped on Oprah's couch to scream, "I'm in love! I'm in love!" while throwing his hands in the air. "I can't be cool, I can't be laid-back. It's something that has happened, and I feel I want to celebrate it. I want to celebrate her." (Page Six reported that he stammered twice when Oprah asked how he met her, a charge his team denied).

‡ Trashed Brooke Shields, telling "Access Hollywood" she should have used vitamins instead of drugs to treat her postpartum depression.

‡ Told Reader's Digest that women "smell good. They look pretty. I love women. I do."

Professional publicists - contacted by The Post to offer their strategies on how they would save Cruise from himself - are shaking their heads at the display.

"Tom Cruise kissing Katie Holmes reminds me of Michael Jackson kissing Elvis' daughter," says Ronn Torossian, CEO of 5WPR, who has repped Lil' Kim and Ja Rule. "If he loves her, I would tell him to keep it away from the media. Tom Cruise is an A-list celebrity. I don't see how this will help the box office.

"No one can deny that P. Diddy and Jennifer Lopez were helped tremendously [by their affair]. But they were both on their way up. Tom Cruise is a major actor. I'd tell him to be real, to be himself. He's a guy in his mid-40s. His young, sexy brand is going to go away in the next year, two years. Stay away from that Scientology stuff. How does talking about Brooke Shields drive people to the movie theater? And once you throw the first punch, you don't know what's going to happen."

Torossian also can't understand why he's doing so much so early: "War of the Worlds" doesn't debut until June 29. "I would have had him do Oprah June 27. He should be doing long leads now."

Cruise defines a new cliche about business: Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and your family far away.

"He needs to have a professional handle his business," says Torossian. "His sister shouldn't do his p.r. any more than his father should do his finances or his mother should be his attorney."

A different publicist, who reps some of the biggest names in the business, was even harsher on Cruise.

"He's become a joke," says the publicist who said the Oprah segment made him want to puke, but requested anonymity for obvious reasons.

"I've heard of over-the-top, but there's no top here. This is as phony as anything Hollywood could create, and he's probably gonna announce his engagement to Pamela Anderson next week. I get the Oprah audience - housewives in Nebraska - but it just smacks of phoniness. It cuts into his value on every level."

This publicist notes that Cruise's behavior might be less cringe-worthy if he were 17.

"I hate to be cynical but, past a certain age, you don't get that in love. I mean, jumping on couches? It seems like he's off his rocker. There's something meshuga here."

Citing Rock Hudson's 1955 marriage to a studio employee, the publicist says promoting romance for p.r. value "does not work. The press is much more cynical. He should disappear for a while. He's supposed to be promoting his movie but he's promoting the fact that he's in love."

Publicist Lizzie Grubman disagrees on this point: "People just want to see more and more of him," she says, counseling a full-on media blitz to promote the movie, though she thinks he should keep his personal life out of it.

Grubman, though, doesn't blame DeVette for his recent fiascoes.

"I don't think anyone is going to coach him," says Grubman. "He's clearly not taking p.r. advice from her. He's taking p.r. advice from himself."

So far, it isn't working: A People magazine poll showed 62 percent of its readers think the Cruise-Holmes affair is a stunt.

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