You may hate me for this but, . . .

cloudancer0000@my-deja.com wrote in message <8c9nq4$eg1$1@nnrp1.deja.com>...

> Yes, particularly a loss of the friendships I had. This is
> really the hardest part and was my main consideration upon
> leaving. Now that I have disconnected from all of them, I
> honestly have no close friends. I am starting to establish
> relationships with people and I do have a tendency to become
> very close to people very quickly, but it just isn't the same
> as going through so many life experiences with them. Besides my
> husband, who doesn't have a clue about Scn., there's really not
> anyone.
It really saddened me to loose my longtime friends at all the various bOrgs and missions at first too. We had spent so much time sharing a common goal. I remember the heartfelt (although I see it differently now) cheering of the Bronze Colored Plaster Gaping Mouthed Bust of Mr. Hubbard - Hip! Hip! Hurray!

(3X please) We love you Ron!! I remember the smiles and hugs and tears. Sadly I also remember the systematic herding of those so effected off to the registrar's office to sign counter checks or max out credit cards for services and products.

I remember the endless phone calls regging me for this meeting or that where donations would be collected for various projects. At those meetings was the ever present Bronze Colored Plaster Gaping Mouthed Bust of Mr. Hubbard - Hip!

Hip! Hurray! (3X please) We love you Ron!!

One time when I was at a meeting where a guest author that was writing a bio of Ron came to be presented and Heber J. was the master of ceremonies that introduced the author. Somehow I was sitting right next to him in the audience and didn't know it. During the opening of the meeting and Heber doing his usual rants (which we all loved at the time) and stopping for the occasional salute to the Bronze Colored Plaster Gaping Mouthed Bust of Mr. Hubbard - Hip! Hip!

Hurray! (3X please) We love you Ron!! I would look to my left at the look of horror on this man's face. I thought about that for about two years before I finally pulled myself up the strength to leave. I had been told by my non-scientology friends that I was brainwashed and that the cult was dangerous to my well being. But that look of horror on that man's face kept bugging me.

I don't know what he was told or what he saw in the cheering crowd of mostly staff and dedicated public that got to him but it was startling to me. Looking back at it now I see that we were being whipped into a fervour over our hatred of the Evil Psychs and the Absolutist Mentality that only $cientology could save the planet and all other methods that didn't flow cash to Source were invalid and had to be destroyed utterly. Mind you that is just an opinion but it is backed by many quotes from Mr. Hubbard's materials about medicine, psychology, psychiatry, business administration, advertising, photography, music, art, and the list goes on.

<snip>

> I like everyone so far. Even the "chumps" have some good things to
> say sometimes... It's interesting to disect the words into the real
> intent of the communication. I was most intrigued by the post of "Ace
> of Clubs" and in finding out what the hell that was all about!
<snip>

So glad you are a user of the baloney detection kit of sorts. That is one thing I could never get over in the cult and that was the constant reference to well don't read that or look at that because well it is bad for you. You will have to go to ethics for reading that. The material over there ___ is forbidden to be read by $cientologists. Those people over there are evil and squirrels and if you talk to them you will be assigned lower conditions and have to do an amends project. And yet somehow I didn't see this as mind-control while I was still convinced of the righteousness of doing the bridge to nowhere.

After a while when I had some of my "friends" get swiftly moved into the ranks of "them" I got a little worried. Most of those in the cult are just about the kindest and gentlest people you could have the pleasure of knowing. How is it possible that "___" could possibly be an evil eeSSPee? I knew them for years. I worked with them. Somebody got to them. . . . Wow those evil Psychs! They are so fast. I will have to strengthen my resolve and dig a little deeper into my pockets to get on with clearing this planet and pick my friends up in the second wave where we will grant "amnesty" for all those "temporary" exclusions along the way. Wow I thought as time went on and more and more of those that I knew were among the missing. I eventually allowed myself to look at the forbidden materials and talk to the forbidden exiles and wow what a surprise I found. I found that the exiles were still wonderful people. I found that they still wanted to work with others and help people. I found that they were not even willing to say bad things about their oppressors that booted them out. Why was that? Why didn't I find a seething mass of evil and hate? Not even hardly a unkind word about those that had obviously hurt them so grievously. Something was wrong here. I eventually left - quietly and without sorrow. I hoped to keep my friends that were still "in" but they soon faded. I have a certificate on my wall here from one of them that took the lumps to get me some recognition for my efforts to help even though I was "outside". My certificate says, "One Who Helps". I am very proud of that random act of kindness that came my way out of the blue. But funny thing is that wonderful person that assisted in getting that for me was seen by me wearing that dirty rag tied to their sleeve less than a week from the day I got the cert. The poor guy was RPF'd for gawd knows what. I never seen him after that day.

> I'll end here. I really do appreciate your insight and
> understanding. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, saying
> whatever I want to say and moving forward. I stated before
> that I really don't have a problem with being wrong...or with
> being right. I'll just be...
>
> Sincerely,
> Heather
<snip to end>

That feeling of freedom and self responsibility for my own destiny is what was among the motivators for my leaving the cult. I wanted to have the freedom to say what I did and didn't want to say in public and not have it monitored by the at the time ever present GO/OSA bOrg Staff. Something that I notice in all of those pictures in the glossy rags that I see from time to time is that the GO/OSA goon squad is there in every group setting. I remember affectionate references to the goon squad and lots of references as to why they were there. I know now why they are there and it is rather pernicious and not benevolent as I had been told.

If you look at shots of "Sunday Service" where there are big crowds or go to Clearwater you will see the ever-present goon squads on the perimeter patrolling for signs of reversion or signs of those seeking freedom from the mind control influences. I often wondered what provoked those sidelines soldiers to start writing on their clipboards from time to time. I know more about their targets now than when I was there. They are there as much to control the guest speaker as to control the audience and watch for those straying sheep or perhaps that opportunity to snatch up a person moved by the speaker for a quick successful visit to the registrar for another big check.

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