Heber is presently doing one or more of the following:

1. Trying to light a match so he can find his way out of DM's ass.

2. Negotiating Mike Rinder's special guest appearance on Discovery Channel's "Crocodile Hunter"

3. Suffering from the effects of a bout with "spotaneous human combustion" while doing one of his world-famous "Hebervision" TV interviews.

4. Perfecting his own brand of verbal martial arts known as Heberjitsu.

5. Preparing for a concert tour with William Shatner (they'll both revive their musical careers) 6. Developing his own 24 hour TV network -- All Heber, all the time.

7. Trying to light a match so he can find his way back up DM's ass.

8. Performing "naughty" acts with an e-meter (oooh, it tickles when you put the cans *there*!) 9. Straining the Pacific Ocean for Hubbard's ashes so he can be genetically cloned.

10. Undegoing an operation in Sweden, after which he'll be known as "Helga"

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