Today on Howard's show they were talking about Katie Holmes and this mysterious woman (who turns out to be Jessica Rodriguez) who's recently been tagging along with her while she's doing publicity for "Batman". Howard said that this woman is not only a Scientologist but also a very powerful one. Robin Quivers asked what super powers she had and Howard said that according to a "Sects In House" magazine article, Rodriguez "ascended to the level of New Operating Thetan 4," and said that Tom Cruise is also at that level. Howard then said that Rodriguez is now part of an "elite group of Scientologists who have been enlightened with the six-figure secrets of Xenu, the evil intergalactic ruler who implanted thetans or alien spirits in Earth's volcanoes 75 million years ago." Robin interrupted Howard by accusing him of making all that up. Howard continued, "after which they escaped and invaded human bodies." Robin insisted that Howard was making it up, then Howard and Artie Lange both said it wasn't any kookier than the Christian stories about God opening up the sky and locusts descending on the earth and stuff like that. Robin said that things like that actually happen sometimes, but they all agreed that Abraham cutting off his son's penis because God told him to was pretty crazy.

Robin then asked Howard what a thetan was and did they really invade volcanoes, and Howard repeated the quote about, "She has been enlightened with the six-figure secrets of Xenu, the evil intergalactic ruler who implanted thetans or alien spirits in Earth's volcanoes 75 million years ago, after which they escaped and invaded human bodies." Howard then went to read, "As a New OT4, New Operating Thetan 4, which is what Tom Cruise is, Rodriguez has the power to, 'control life, thought matter, energy, space and time', according to Scientology's official web site. Meanwhile, Fred Norris starts playing mysterious spooky type music. Robin said that must be why Tom Cruise thinks so much of himself, because he thinks he's doing all that stuff.

Howard then continues reading, "Katie's spiritual escort also has the ability to spot any suppressive persons, meaning enemies of Scientology like skeptical journalists and concerned friends and family members." Howard and Robin agreed that probably meant everyone including the people on the show which is why Katie probably isn't there. Howard said if he got into Scientology he could probably get up to a Thetan 4 also. Robin suggested that they all pretend that they're really into Scn so they could get Katie on the show and Howard thought it was a good idea, spend a few years infiltrating, then they could spring on her that they were just goofing the whole time. Howard then pretended to claim that he was a Thetan 5 and wondered if there was such a thing and Robin said if there was a Thetan 6 then there'd have to be a Thetan 5. Then Howard said you really couldn't goof on it too much, especially if you're into a regular religion like Christianity or Judaism. Robin mentioned that Kabbalah also is supposed to give people special powers.

Then Howard wondered if Tom hooked Katie by telling her he was a Thetan 4, then they start goofing on how it might be like Herman Munster talking, saying, "I have alien secrets from a volcano!" Then Fred starts doing his she-male voice which he usually uses to impersonate female wrestlers like Chynna and Nicole Bass but which also sounds like Herman Munster, saying, "Bet you didn't know that, huh? Ha-ha-ha-ha! I came to earth about millions of years ago, I then went into a volcano and then when I sat and simmered in a volcano for a while", etc.

Then someone on the show named Jason brought in some stuff he printed off from Scn's web page about what a thetan is and how they can control their powers. Then Robin said that people probably spend years at the Scientology centers studying to reach this level. Artie sarcastically said it sounded like fun, then Fred said again in his she-male voice, "You get to make paper mache volcanoes!" and Robin said you could get the dry ice going, and Fred said, "A little wire on the bottom!"

Then they changed the subject.

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