With auditors concurring that the former leader, suffering from clam engrams, is expected to die within two years, swift completion of the towering structure is "of paramount priority," according to Scientology insiders. "Only the most gigantic tomb ever created will be worthy of the Great Communicator," said former Hubbard boy toy David Miscavage. "As his mortal subjects, it is our holy duty to provide Hubbard with a burial commensurate with his stature, in order that he may enter the Realm of Death bedecked with raiments and honors so that he may take his rightful place beside the mighty Sun God, Ra." From his ranch estate, the bedridden Hubbard responded, saying, "Ra." According to project overseer and Hubbard OSA head Mike Rinder, the 118,000-ton pyramid, which is visible from a distance of over 40 miles and has already cost the lives of some 50,000 slaves, will serve not only as Hubbard's conduit to the Empire of the Gods, but also as an earthly repository of the deified founder's vast wealth. "Buried with Hubbard will be his finest treasures," Rinder said, "including 2,500 books cast in gold, 15 RPFers, a golden chalice of jelly beans and his most prized servant, David Miscavage." Miscavage told reporters, "It is my honor and duty to have my sinus passages ceremonially packed with sand before my still-living, pain-racked body is forever locked with my leader's within the Great Ron's final resting place. Let us all praise Osiris." The former founder's mummified husk will be placed in the burial chamber as perfectly intact as possible. To this end, Hubbard's internal organs have already been removed and preserved, encased in ornate protective ceramic vessels and sealed in beeswax. "This is the spleen that brought down the Evil Macabian Empire," said Hubbard Chief of Staff, holding aloft several of Hubbard's just-removed innards. "And these are the lungs that ended the Great OTO Crisis, Hail Ron." According to reports, the massive burial monument staggers the imagination of all who behold it in its sheer splendor and majesty. Exquisite engravings, inlaid with gold and silver leaf and precious jewels, depict the cycle of the Xenu Creation Myth, with the deified Ron symbolically castrated by his mother, giving birth to the sun and moon, and then being dismembered by Xenu, his scattered bodily fragments forming the stars of the night sky. Despite the great sancitity of its Inner Chamber, the Hubbard Pyramid may attract Hittite raiders bent on desecrating and robbing it of its vast treasuries of gold, jewels, fine dyed cloth, rare US navy medals and a parchment from A.D. 1982 depicting a $1.3 trillion Swiss bank account. "Thieves and infidels must not violate the Great Ron's sanctity!" Hubbard high-priest John Travolta said. "All those who tread these halls without the eight Keys of the OT will die victims of the dreaded Curse of Ron's Tomb!" He later added, "Mwahh ha ha ha ha!" The tomb will also be protected from Hittite marauders by a host of RPFers, biological and chemical warfare installations surrounding its base, and a $200 billion orbital "Star Wars" defense system. Though the tomb itself will be off limits to all non-divine earthly beings, the general public will be allowed access to a nearby altar and bronze idol of Hubbard, where Scientologist pilgrims may come to worship the former founder and petition his intervention in an Audit. A gigantic statuary portrait of the founder, standing over 100 feet high, will also gaze down on worshippers from a gigantic pedestal adorned with the inscription, "I Am LaFette Ronald Hubbard, King of Kings. Look On My Works, Ye Mighty, And Despair." From his bed, Hubbard praised the work of his mortal subjects: "Pill lady," he said. "Pill."

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