The Scientologist conspiracy: It's bigger than you think Barry Perlman
February 9, 1995 Where are all the copies of Michael Jackson's "Thriller"? As far as I know, it still stands as the greatest-selling album of all time. Yet very few people I know actually own a copy (or admit to owning a copy) of "Thriller." I still own my original vinyl copy, complete with scratches and authentic record-album hissing, but where are all the millions upon millions of others? When I finally forced myself to contemplate seriously the answer to this cultural dilemma, it became crystal clear.

All those copies of "Thriller" were never actually printed. This media hoax was strategically designed by none other than the mysterious cult of Scientologists, brilliant manipulators who are out to make the "big bucks" to support their own religious endeavors. L. Ron Hubbard's landmark book "Dianetics" also boasts inflated sales numbers, a ploy to increase the credibility of the Scientologist belief system in the eyes of America. Those millions of copies of "Dianetics" were never widely distributed but rather were sold back and forth among members of the church of Scientology, creating the illusion that a huge audience was reading the book.

Why, you may ask, would the Scientologists care enough about Michael Jackson to put out the effort? Well, if you must know, Michael Jackson is a Scientologist, although I can't be completely sure. Michael is certainly involved in some secretive shady activity or another, and all those mysterious cult organizations must somehow be involved with each other. All the money for such imitation religions flows to the same place--although the exact location remains widely unknown--and all of them look out for each other.

When a person joins one of these churches, part of the deal is a committed pledge of a significant percentage of that person's annual income. When celebrities like Michael Jackson join one of the churches, a lot of money is at stake. Churches like Scientology bend over backwards to ensure that the celebrity stays popular because: The more money the celebrity makes, the more money the church draws in.

As a result, celebrities such as Michael Jackson who often suffer from bad publicity look to their cult leaders for a way out. When everyone was concerned that Michael and his sister Janet were really the same person (since they were never seen in the same place at the same time--and they did have the same artificial nose for a while), the Scientologists made sure that the whole world witnessed the two together, hugging at some awards show. Just look at Michael's recent marriage to Lisa Marie Presley, well-known to be a Scientologist.

Michael was trying to recover from his child molestation scandal and his general reputation for being a weirdo; Lisa Marie was fighting off rumors that she was a lesbian; they both have amazing amounts of money.

Do the math: It's all a Scientologist set-up. They do it all the time.

Look at other Hollywood cover marriages. Kirstie Alley, a Scientologist, was married off to divert our attention from her alleged drug problems and ballooning weight. John Travolta, another one, was married off to a pretty blonde to prove his perennially questionable heterosexuality. Not to mention Tom Cruise, the perfect example of all. His first arranged marriage failed because Mimi Rogers was no longer willing to pretend that they were happy. Nicole Kidman was brought in and bribed with fame in exchange for staying with Tom for the publicity. They get tons of good publicity on Hard Copy and the others, quite a rarity indeed. Someone is paying for that publicity. It's the church of Scientology, making sure that no one doubts Tom Cruise's status as leading hunk and happy family man.

(Could he perhaps be gay?) Don't act surprised. This is just a sliver of what is going on behind our backs, and it's not just the Scientologists doing it. All across this great land of ours, hoax upon hoax is being pushed past us. We all heard as children that Mikey of the Life commercials died when he ate a bunch of Pop Rocks and drank Cokes and exploded. Pop myth or merchandising ploy by Pepsi-Cola, Gobstoppers and Rice Krispies, all in cahoots? We heard that Cindy Brady grew up to be a porn star.

Benign rumor or set-up by the Partridge Family people? You be the judge.

And there's no reason to think it's all going to stop any time soon;

it's been going on forever. Between 1790 and 1820 in Britain, some underground politicos staged a series of 19 suicides of Parliament members as a cover-up for an attempted coup d'etat. They weren't suicides, but murders. The more-than-20 other statesmen who were said to have "lapsed into insanity" were merely scared for their lives;

even King George III went a little crazy in anticipation.

You know, you don't have to believe me that all this stuff goes on.

It's only yourself you're fooling. What's the matter? A little paranoid, paranoid, paranoid...

Barry Perlman is a Trinity senior.

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