Blogdigger gives Jenna Elfman the full blog treatment

Blogdigger gives Jenna Elfman the full blog treatment Scientology

http://www.blogdigger.com/search.jsp?q=%22jenna+elfman%22&sortby=date

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http://wiw.org/~jess/archives/2005/02/15/dharma-vs-the-thetans/

Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Earth to Dharma. Come in, Dharma....
Filed under: Popular Culture --- Jess @ 4:03 pm

Just the other day, I was wondering whatever happened to Dharma & Greg star Jenna Elfman. Okay, I'm lying. Nobody is wondering whatever happened to Jenna Elfman. I guess I just assumed she was busy starring in some off-off-Broadway play where a bunch of chicks discuss their feelings and stuff, but it turns out she's been protecting the Earth from aliens. From MSNBC:

Call me crazy, but I'm envisioning a wacky sitcom pairing Jenna and Anne "Celestia from the Fourth Dimension" Heche. They'd star as long-lost sisters coincidentally working as waitresses at the same Korean restaurant in Seattle... and they can see the future. It's must-see TV, baby!

snip> http://www.theyadablog.com/2005_02_01_yadayadayadablog_archive.php#110847997747071100 Tuesday, February 15, 2005 Nanu, Nanu Actress Jenna Elfman (Dharma and Greg), a devout Scientologist, would like to rid the world of all the crazies. Literally. "I intend to make Scientology as accessible to as many people as I can. And that is my goal," Elfman said. To do this, she says, it is my "duty to clear the planet." Perhaps she should start with herself.

Response: Lost boy; Man, people will do anything to get back in the limelight.

snip> The Defamer: http://www.defamer.com/hollywood/culture/scientology/jenna-elfman-ready-to-clear-the-planet-033185.php Jenna Elfman Ready To Clear The Planet

We'd make a joke about how the Church of Scientology has obviously killed Jenna Elfman's publicist, allowing her to spread the "tech" far and wide, but 1) the following excerpt came from Celebrity, the in-flight magazine of L. Ron Hubbard's mother ship, and 2) actresses that work as often as Vulcans mate don't work don't have publicists, silly!

"I intend to make Scientology as accessible to as many people as I can. And that is my goal," Elfman said. To do this, she says, it is my "duty to clear the planet." By "clearing" she means to rid the world of "body thetans" --- aliens who Scientologists believe inhabit the earth from a nuclear explosion 75 million years ago. She continued that "the more successful I became, the more suppression I bumped into ... especially in the entertainment industry, which really is home to rabid suppression."

Wow, we're glad that they clarified that bit about "clearing the planet." For a minute there, we were headed into the root cellar with a year's supply of canned pears and Kabbalah water, where we'd wait out the bloody, Elfman-led genocidal purge of Hollywood. Luckily for all of us, it seems that Elfman's apocalyptic wrath will be directed solely at the agents and casting directors who are "rabidly suppressing" her. Whew, that was a close one! We fucking hate canned pears.

snip> http://bestweekever.vh1.com/2005/02/clearing_the_pl.html February 15, 2005 Clearing The Planet, One Body Thetan At A Time

Seems like forever since Best Week Ever did a package on Jenna Elfman. What, we never did? Well, there's a first time for everything. MSNBC.com's Jeannette Walls got the scoop on the Dharma And Greg star's latest project:

Watch out Lyle Lovett! She's got a taser!

Responses: Posted by Stereogum; Umm...ok...And people got on my case for RPing as a vampire....Jenna Elfman's going alien hunting?!

Does this mean she won't be given service by cab drivers and 7-11 employees?

Posted by; im a poop head: Rid the planet of aliens?? Coo-coo!!

Posted by; CherryScone4Breakfast: And by the looks of it she's already captured one!!! (picture of Jenna Elfman hugging Lyle Lovett) http://bestweekever.vh1.com/2005/02/clearing_the_pl.html

etc...etc...

From: "Batchild (Sue M.)" <batchild1@cox.net>
Subject: Howard Stern makes fun of Jenna Elfman and body thetans!
Organization: Knights of Xenu
Message-ID: <obl911plvgt4l1pgeqsp7gdigmtui62l8v@4ax.com>
Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 10:07:28 -0800

A short excerpt from today's Howard Stern show:

====================

HOWARD STERN: Okay, here we go. This is an article. Jenna Elfman, you know, the chick who used to be on TV, you know who she is?

ROBIN QUIVERS: Oh, yeah, from "Dharma and Greg", right?

HOWARD (reading from article): Some Jenna Elfman fans were startled by what the star had to say in a recent issue of Scientology magazine "Celebrity". Quote, "I intend to make Scientology as accessible to as many people as I can, and that is my goal in life", Elfman said. To do this, she says, "It is my duty to clear the planet". By clearing, she means to rid the world of body thetans, aliens who Scientologists believe inhabit the earth from a nuclear explosion 75 million years ago.

(Artie Lange laughing)

HOWARD: (laughs) She continued that "the more successful I became, the more suppression I bumped into, especially in the entertainment industry which really is home to rabid suppression".

(Artie laughing even more)

HOWARD: She said that in the magazine.

ARTIE LANGE: Oh, my God, that's great!

ROBIN: Wait a minute, you gotta tell me this again; she's what?

HOWARD: She wants to get rid of thetans.

ARTIE: She's crazy!

HOWARD: Body--(laughter)--

ROBIN: That's the short version.

ARTIE: She's a lunatic!

HOWARD: Evidently Scientology believes, according to Jenna Elfman, that there are body thetans out that who are actual aliens who came here after a big nuclear holocaust 75 million years ago.

(Fred Norris starts playing spooky "Twilight Zone"-type background music)

ARTIE: Right--

HOWARD: --and she wants to rid the planet of them.

ROBIN: Oh. And how--where are they? I mean, what do they look like?

HOWARD: I just see this as a sign of mental illness and that she's gonna try and rid--she wants to get rid of people.

ARTIE: It's a cry for help, I think she needs professional help.

ROBIN: I really do believe we need to interview her before that help comes.

HOWARD: Gary, get me Jenna Elfman tomorrow as a guest immediately, fly her in.

ROBIN: We want to help her clear the planet!

ARTIE: One of my favorite things you ever did here before I got here, just listening during the news once. You played two separate clips of Jenna Elfman speaking and she somehow finished her sentences, like the one, she was in tune with the crap she was feeling!

(then they talk about something else)

====================

http://members.cox.net/batchild1 http://members.cox.net/scorseseinfo

===========================

A cretin among Thetans

MICHAEL KORB, The Saratogian 02/20/2005

God bless Jenna Elfman.

Actually, let me rephrase that. L. Ron Hubbard bless Jenna Elfman.

As many of you may have heard, earlier this week the 'Dharma & Greg' star was quoted in 'Celebrity,' the official magazine of Scientology, as saying it was her 'duty to clear the planet.' Now I don't know about you, but when I heard that I wet myself. Yep, ruined a brand new pair of flat-front chinos. It's bad enough we've got to worry about sleeper agents of al-Qaida blowing up everything we hold dear ('Oh the humanity. Look what they did to the Banana Republic!') or school kids pistol whipping vice principals, but now B-list actresses want to 'clear the planet.'

I'm not embarrassed to tell you that immediately following the story's release I had two very restless nights. True, one of them was due to Charlie Sheen sending over a 19-year-old Finnish contortionist named Lola, but the other had 'bad Dharma' written all over it. I tossed and I turned unable to get the image of Elfman 'clearing' things out of my head. After 60-plus hours of no sleep I realized what had to be done -- I had to rub out Jenna Elfman.

I had no sooner purchased a snub-nosed .38 from a couple of high school sophomores when it dawned on me that perhaps the planet could actually use a good 'clearing.' Look around, this place is filthy. Oh wait, that would be 'cleaning.'

It then dawned on me that I really didn't know what 'clearing' meant. At my house it means to remove plates from the dinner table. Frankly, I'd be OK with Elfman busing tables the world over. But Scientologists seem to be using an entirely different dictionary than you and I. Then I hoped it meant 'to massage' because I'd be OK with Elfman giving me a massage. Maybe, just maybe, Dharma is a pretty nice gal. Albeit one with strong, dishpan hands.

But then I thought to myself, 'Why does a religion have its own magazine? One called 'Celebrity' of all things. (In a related story I'm trying to launch a Methodist magazine called 'Covered Dish.' The combination swimsuit/hymnal issue is set to hit newsstands May 10th!)

And what exactly is Scientology? (I ask myself a lot of questions when I'm sleepy and have a girl's foot in my ear.) After much exhaustive research and some stretching, here's what I learned.

It is the fastest growing religion in the United States (probably because so many people have screenplays they'd like to get in the hands of Tom Cruise) with more than 3,200 churches in 154 countries.

It is based on the teachings of one of the 20th century's most prolific science fiction writers, L. Ron Hubbard: most notably his work 'Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health.' Like so many great thinkers, he was born in Nebraska.

Scientologists believe that a person is neither mind nor body, but rather a soul, which Hubbard called a 'Thetan.' You do not have a Thetan, you are a Thetan. The body is merely a communication tool (my nickname in college) while the mind is just a collection of pictures. (Once you get your Scientologiy decoder ring, you are called an Operating Thetan.)

Show business people love Scientology, with such heavy hitters as the aforementioned Cruise as well as John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Lisa-Marie Presley, Juliette Lewis, Giovanni Ribisi, Greta Van Susteren, Courtney Love, Beck, Sharon Stone, Patrick Swayze and Nancy Cartwright (the voice of Bart Simpson) all attending Sunday services.

Scientologists believe in reincarnation. Hubbard died in 1986 just months before the birth of Lindsay Lohan. Coincidence?

It is not an exclusive religion. You can be both a Scientologist and a Mormon at the same time. In fact, this would help explain a lot about the Osmonds.

They use a metering device to detect your body's electrical resistance to help locate areas of spiritual distress. (Available at any Home Depot, next to the stud finders.)

And what keeps Scientologists in their pews on Sundays? When Scientologists reach a certain 'clearance' level, they learn very specific details about 'the incident.'

It seems 75 million years ago, a galactic ruler named 'Xenu' paralyzed people and sent them to earth in space ships (I am not making this up). They were then arranged around a volcano and murdered via hydrogen bombs, but their souls (sorry, Thetans) are still allegedly hanging around haunting humanity. (They're called Body Thetans.) I know it sounds crazy, but John Travolta has not looked right for awhile, so I believe it.

(Don't tell me Methodists don't have some wacky takes on stuff. Six dollar chicken barbecues in the church basement? That's nuts.)

Come to find out Elfman's 'clearing' refers to those nasty Body Thetans which are hanging around. Phew ... It seems you and I are safe. Unless she thinks we are Body Thetans. Come to think of it, has anyone seen 'Greg?'

ŠThe Saratogian 2005

===================================

Jenna Elfman Ready To Clear The Planet

She continued that "the more successful I became, the more suppression I bumped into ... especially in the entertainment industry, which really is home to rabid suppression."

Luckily for all of us, it seems that Elfman's apocalyptic wrath will be directed solely at the agents and casting directors who are "rabidly suppressing" her. Whew, that was a close one! We fucking hate canned pears.

http://www.defamer.com/hollywood/culture/scientology/jenna-elfman-ready-to-clear-the-planet-033185.php

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