Whereas my creative juices started flowing by writing my Master of Science thesis on L. Ron Hubbard's PR policies, and Whereas I have had my appetite whetted by OSA's helpless cries of "Please, no, more, more more ..." in publishing its DA web page on me, I am hereby preparing to penetrate Scientology's innermost depths and thrust myself upon them repeatedly in public.

But don't worry, they like it! That is because members of the Sea Org are sexually repressed. As a result they spend most of their waking hours in a vain attempt to live out their unfulfilled fantasies.

So before Scientology and I consumate what promises to be a long-term and satisfying relationship, I thought I'd better do the appropriate thing and make a clean breast of the situation. I need to do this before Scientology has a chance to send its PIs around to dig up information that might lend credibility to its own anti-social view. To avoid that, I shall confess my overts in advance. By making this confession I hope to gain redemption from Scientology, thereby achieving immortality and immunity from ever turning into a Happy OSA Slave.

Let me first make it clear that these overts are confessed in the same spirit now as a slightly different version of them were a quarter century ago. They are definitely overts, and they are *my* overts, because the source of them is me. If you would like to borrow them and make them into *your* overts so that you can confess them to your Scientology auditor, thereby potentially gaining salvation and immortality, you are hereby granted my permission.

Gee I hope nobody ever hears about the time I lost my temper and went out into the back yard and emptied a couple of clips into my favorite tree stump. With no regard for life or limb! (limb, tree stump, get it?) OOoooh! What about the time I had sex in the cornfield? It was so hot, so hot (HOW HOT DID IT GET, JOE???) It got so hot the corn around us started popping! And here's the part that really makes me feel guilty. We had gotten so excited that my partner (I'll leave that up to you who it was) thought the popcorn falling down around us was snow, and she froze to death. They had to thaw her out to bury her. A horrible tragedy. (takes out handkerchief, daubs tears - of sorrow, naatcherly - from eyes) Note:

Make sure you pause between each sentence when you're giving the above in session, as if you were experiencing it with full perceptics. If your auditor blinks, cannot keep a straight face, or fails to record the "Long Fall Blow Downs", and there should be quite a few of those, s/he has not been properly zombified and you should immediately storm out, go into the main course room, and demand your money back so that everyone can hear you. When the supervisor tries to lead you away or appease you, say "You can't deprogram me, YOU HUSSY! If you DARE to touch me without my permission, I will report you for kidnapping." From personal experience, that is the only way you'll ever get quality service from Scientology.

Now I'll give you what could be a TRUE WAR STORY [tm] to talk about (this is a re-run for old-timers, but its a good one):

What about that night in the Black Clap Bar? A half dozen deserters burst through the front door, one of them fired a half clip into the ceiling and yelled, EVERYBODY FACE DOWN ON THE FLOOR, THIS IS A HOLD-UP!

Unfortunately he yelled in a language which nobody in the Black Clap understood, but everybody still decided they better lie face down on the floor, just in case it was a hold-up. The robbers picked everybody clean in two minutes, and before the last one left, he fired the other half clip into the ceiling and yelled, OK NOBODY MOVE FOR TEN MINUTES AFTER WE LEAVE! Sure enough, just to be on the safe side, nobody moved a muscle.

This whole time I had been in the water closet. I opened the door, and there were a whole bunch of people lying face down on the floor. I carefully picked my way to the bar, finished by Mai Tai, and left the bar, saying in a loud voice, "Damn drunks don't know when they've had too much to drink!"

Now I ask you, would anybody who wasn't really there be able to tell you what could be an absolutely TRUE WAR STORY like that?

Don't feel bad, everybody gets fooled by that one. In my opinion it's that last question clinches it.

I hope you laughed at some of the above. Or if you didn't laugh at it, at least chuckled. Or just enjoyed it. Or remembered what it used to be like to enjoy something. Or saw somebody enjoy themselves once, and wondered why they were acting so ... strange. Especially if you're a Scientologist. For the rest, Happy Trails, Buckarettes and Buckaroos!

Joe Cisar Scientology victim with a squeaky clean conscience What tripped Scientology's trigger?

http://www.innernet.net/joecisar/trip0000.htm also, Media, read http://www.xenu.net/archive/thesis/cisar-home.html

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