Who'll save the serfs in the Land of the Lost?

MELONE By MARY JO MELONE St. Petersburg Times, published June 27, 2000 Last week, the French National Assembly passed a new law.

The French are fed up with groups claiming to be religions that take advantage of emotionally fragile people. In other words, the French want to crack down on Scientology. The law will make it illegal for Scientology and similar organizations to use "mental manipulation" against their members.

They could also be prosecuted for crimes like sexual assault, fraud and the abuse of vulnerable people.

It is certainly asking too much for the Clearwater City Commission to pass a law like this. Any day now, the town will undergo a name change and be declared a city-state of that surreal worldwide kingdom founded by L. Ron Hubbard.

Pinellas-Pasco Medical Examiner Joan Wood will be crowned Chef Alchemist and Soothsayer. Anybody else smart and stable enough to be an unbeliever will be reduced to serfdom -- except for City Manager Mike Roberto, who has already learned, and even appears to enjoy, kissing up to leaders of this Jonestown-for-the-rich.

Being a serf has not improved much since the Middle Ages. Failing to bow and scrape before persons in Clearwater wearing a glazed look and a funny uniform could get you a $500 fine and a couple of nights in the Fort Harrison Hotel tied down to a bed.

Meals will not be included.

You will not be permitted to call your mother, let alone your lawyer.

If you come out of the hotel feet first, the explanation for your expiration could be that you broke the e-meter.

If your survivors have trouble swallowing this, tough cookies. They could ask for an investigation by the Pinellas-Pasco state attorney, but he'd have to rely on the Chief Alchemist.

And you know what happened the last time he did.

I'm not telling you this because the St. Petersburg Times is scheduled to go to court today to demand the autopsy photos of poor Lisa McPherson -- photos that may show what she looked like when the Scientologists got done with her.

But it is a nice reminder.

I'm telling you because if you live in Clearwater and suspect you are on the verge of serfdom at the hands of this cult then you better start calling, faxing and e-mailing the person who represents the only hope you have left.

Heaven help you, but it's the governor.

Jeb's no Eisenhower. He can't liberate you. But he can appoint a new medical examiner.

So if some one else should die at the Fort Harrison Hotel, there'll be no dodging and weaving around the facts.

Certainly a new ME wouldn't think that the next person who dies did nothing strange by getting naked after crashing her car. He wouldn't think she had this kinky thing about roaches and got a blood clot because she banged her knee and died because she felt like it would be a cool thing to do.

I admit a new medical examiner will not benefit serfs directly. But at least he will keep Scientology scared that its luck won't hold up the next time a stiff is found in one of their hotel rooms.

There is one other thing you could do.

Call in the French.

They think Americans are boobs, sure.

And admittedly, it would be strange having French as the language of Clearwater city government. They'd cut you no slack when you screw up the pronunciation of their beloved tongue.

But would this be any stranger than seeing a picture in a downtown store of Hubbard, up on the wall like Mao in Beijing, and sensing you're expected to genuflect?

At least with the French, you'd have the protection of that law against mental manipulation.

And the food. Imagine the food.

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