KATIE: Mom, dad, I've joined Scientology!
MOM: Oh, that's nice dear. You were always a little short in the
science area.
KATIE: No, mom. Scientology is a church.
DAD: The Church of Scientology?  You worship science?
KATIE: No, dad. We take courses and learn the secrets of the universe.
MOM: What are the sermons about?
KATIE: There are no sermons, it's one on one sessions.
MOM: Well, what happens in these sessions?
KATIE: The first one, we touched knees sitting down and just stared at
each other.
DAD: And what secret of the universe did that help you discover?
KATIE: Uh... nothing with that one. Then we did Bullbaiting, where we
tried to upset the other person by yelling at them.
MOM: Oh my. You, yelling?
DAD: So how often do you do this?
KATIE: As often as possible! I love it! And Tom is really into it...
MOM: I noticed that Tom is shorter than you.
KATIE: Really? I hadn't noticed.
DAD: What kind of charity does this church do?
KATIE: They have an anti-drug program, and a criminal rehab program,
and they fight the evils of psychiatry!
MOM: WHAT evils of psychiatry?
KATIE: Like drugging children, and lobotomizing depressed people.
MOM: You mean you think our neighbor Dr. Plotz is evil?
KATIE: Uh... he doesn't SEEM evil...
DAD: You've said he's the nicest man you know.
KATIE: Yeah... well, it's psychiatry in general, not him specifically.
MOM: So have you investigated the Church of Scientology, besides taking
courses?
KATIE: Oh yes, Tom has told me all about it.
DAD: He's a bit older than you, isn't he?
KATIE: Really? I hadn't noticed.
DAD: And what does the church think about divorce?
KATIE: Marriage is a very sacred thing in the church, and they even
have courses on how to heal a marriage.
[uncomfortable silence]
MOM: So... I saw you and Tom on Oprah...
KATIE: Isn't it cute how in love we are?
MOM: Well, it was an unusual way to demonstrate love, I thought.
KATIE: Really? I hadn't noticed.
MOM: Does Tom do a lot of that jumping on couches and pumping his
fists?
KATIE: Uh, yes.
DAD: I need to ask you this, dear. Are you still a virgin?
KATIE: DAD! Of COURSE I am! Why Tom hasn't even tried... I mean..
DAD: Ok, never mind.
MOM: So can we come see your new religion?
KATIE: Oh that would be grand!  I'll even pay for your courses!
DAD: Pay for courses?  You mean there's like an hourly rate?
KATIE: Yes, there are fixed donation prices for each course and book.
DAD: But, that's more like a business than a religion!
KATIE: Really? I hadn't noticed.
MOM: How much does it cost?
KATIE: Well the course prices seem to be getting higher as I'm going
along. But it's worth it.
DAD: And just how many courses are there before you're finished?
KATIE: First you go clear, then you do the OT levels, of which there
are 8 out right now.
DAD: So how much to go through to 8 OT?
KATIE: I don't know.
DAD: And what will you get out of this?
KATIE: I'll become more able as a being, and learn the secrets of the
universe!
MOM: Honey, if you were more able as a being, you'd be a god.
KATIE: Gee, thanks mom.  So, maybe you could visit the Celebrity Center
tomorrow!  I'll bring you the forms to sign.
MOM, DAD: Forms?
KATIE: Yeah, release forms.
MOM, DAD: Release forms?
DAD: That's pretty strange for a church...
KATIE: Really? I hadn't noticed.  So, we'll get you on the cans and
process you to clear in no time!
MOM: Excuse me?
KATIE: I mean, the auditing will get rid of your engrams using the
e-meter.
MOM: Excuse me?
KATIE: You'll see! You'll like it.
DAD: Didn't I read something about Scientology being a cult?
KATIE: Scientology is a new religion and new religions always have
critics. Those who attack Scientology are criminals and SPs.
DAD: Well, I think I'll see if I can find that article.
KATIE: NO DAD!!! I'll have to disconnect from you!
DAD: What? Why?
KATIE: Because then I'll be PTS to an SP!!  My stats will crash and
I'll be thrown offlines!
MOM: Excuse me?
DAD: Katie, you're talking another language here.
KATIE: Really? I hadn't noticed.
MOM: Don't worry dear. We'll come visit your church and see for
ourselves...

Go Back