Subject: Kim Baker: MY STORY CONTINUES: THE BEAST (Part 1 of 3)
From: Kim Baker via Ron Newman <rnewman@cybercom.net>
Date: 28 Aug 1996 09:17:09 -0400
Kim Baker has asked me to post this series of three messages on her behalf.

If you have archived her "My Story" on your web site, please add these additional chapters.

-- Ron Newman ---------------------------- I have decided to release this publically, now. I have Arnie Lerma and Lawrence Wollersheim's assurance that FACTNet will not turn on Bob Penny. Due to the sensitive nature of the legal issues, I do not require a detailed statement from them at this stage, their word is good enough for me, because I know them. I also know Bob Penny, and have met him, and can assure you that he is suffering, and his physical condition is deteriorating. That Scientology could persist with their case against him is the most utterly inhumane and cruel action I have encountered in this area, yet.

Kim Baker 28 August 1996
MY STORY CONTINUES.

THE BEAST by Kim Baker, Copyright 1996
For Bob Penny, Margery Wakefield, Jon Atack, Paulette Cooper, Monica Pignotti, Arnie Lerma, and countless others who know what The Beast is.

INTRO:

I started writing this so many times. And then had to stop. And try again, and again. This is one of the most difficult things I have ever done, and not something I particularly relish doing. It would be so easy just to move on, and forget it all. My urge has been to get as far away from everyone and everything associated with this, as possible. I still feel that way. So, why am I writing it?

There are two reasons. The one is that it follows on from "My story".

To leave "My story", as it stands on the web, is to leave an incomplete story, and one that could mislead people. The second reason is that I have a responsibility to all the people I let down, particularly those in FACTNet, to make the truth public. I have no part of FACTNet anymore, but I at least owe them this.

This will show that I was not "instantly cured" of my cult conditioning, like I seemed to be to those who knew me, and it will show the lengths that Scientology will go to, to wipe out its opposition. CAN and FACTNet are at the top of Scientology's list of enemies. With CAN's demise, Scientology now has more resources to devote to the destruction of FACTNet. I know for a fact this is their number one goal - to have FACTNet rendered ineffective and neutralised - to have what they see as a "hate group" destroyed, because it contains information critical of them - and very damning - it has the documentation from the FBI raids, and several accounts and testimonies of former members.

Both of those organisations were/are there to help people. But they cannot survive without the reciprocal help and support of people. So, the final part of the reason I have decided to write this is to appeal, as widely as possible, for people everywhere to support FACTNet now.

Scientology has millions of dollars in its coffers, it is an international organisation, staffed by hundreds of people, and can afford to keep litigation going forever, from the vast amounts of money procured from its highly-priced courses and auditing levels. "One life-time is not long enough to litigate against Scientology", boasted David Miscavige at the 1994 IAS (International Association of Scientologists) event. What kind of a "religion" is that?
MY STORY and ARS:

"My story" ended up "happily-ever-after", with my monumental stupidity, and stars in my eyes while I rode into the sunset. Only it was a fake sunset, made out of cast iron, and I rode straight into it and crashed. This account is how it *really* ended. Warning: this is not light, fun, bed-time reading. It'll probably make you sick.

CONTEXT:

I wrote "My Story", took a break, then hung out on alt.religion.scientology (hereafter referred to as ARS) for a while, enjoying the opportunity to express my opinion, and talk to people.

ARS was a very important "place", for me, personally. Stuck out here in South Africa, there are no support groups, or places to go to meet people who have had similar experiences. I was alone here, and thus ARS had a perhaps exaggerated importance to me - it was my *sole* source of support. I have now, as a result of the events I am about to reveal, cut myself off from all individuals and groups in this conflict, and any form of support. I prefer to go it alone now.

In those days, ARS was still quite a pleasant place to hang out.

For an ex-Scientologist recently out. As it stands now, I wouldn't recommend anyone who is in any way vulnerable to do anything more than lurk there. There is a VAST gap of understanding between critics, who have entered this group because of the threat to the Internet, and people who have actually personally been in Scientology, and then left for various reasons. For someone who has never been subjected to the series of processes that are designed to alter your mind, they just cannot understand where the ex-members are coming from. They cannot understand the handicap those people carry within themselves, which often manifests in their behavioral patterns. You can only really understand it if you've experienced it.

And so, critics (I would like to believe) inadvertantly hurt ex- members, by going on about what stupid and terrible people those ex- members are - making the damage worse, making it that much more difficult to re-integrate into society.

There is, however, a positive side to that - the critics are unaffected by the the techniques that instill fear or guilt into ex- members. They don't fall for the same lines. They are immune, because they have never been conditioned in the first place. The only thing they fall for, is Scientology's "Dead Agenting" tactics - character assassinations of ex-members. This has driven many ex-members from the group. So, ARS is *not* a good place for an ex-member, who is not *well* on the road to recovery, or has a *very* thick skin, to be.

It is most definitely *not* a support group.
THE RAIDS:

The raid by Scientology on Arnie Lerma, a Director of FACTNet who posted the infamous Fishman documents to the Internet when they were still publically available court records, outraged me. For that matter, the earlier one on Dennis Erlich, too, but I thought that the raid on Dennis was a once- off, and that they (Scn) wouldn't be stupid enough to do it *again*. But they did. On Arnie. Purportedly because Steve Fishman had managed to be the first person to get the so-called OT materials (Scientology's Upper Level, confidential, and highly expensive processes) included in the court records, (people often forget that, when they go on about how terrible Steve Fishman is, that he was the first one to achieve this) and Scientology claimed copyright infringements. The history of all this is documented on the web.

I couldn't believe it. This was apartheid South Africa come to America. Where the police could raid your home, search your private property, and mess you around any way they pleased, any time of day or night, because it was a "State of Emergency." They raided Arnie's home for alleged *copyright infringements*? This was nothing short of outrageous. America is looked at by people in my region of the world as a symbol of hope, of freedom, of what things should be like. (of course, the fact that all this wonderful freedom came after the colonisers put their boot in the face of the American Indian, and was about to do the same to African Americans is a matter of some considerable concern to me. But I digress.)

And although it never happened in my country, I felt personally moved to oppose this travesty of justice in the strongest possible terms.

In my country, we have very low expectations of justice and freedom, based on our ghastly history. But if the so-called free world was going to start resorting to this, then the world is in trouble. God, not in *America*. Oh yes, in America. And they hadn't finished yet, although I didn't know that at that stage.

FACTNet:

Bob Penny and I had been talking, about FACTNet, and various other things. FACTNet is an electronic library, with materials on various cults, including Scientology, and was started by Lawrence Wollersheim, who is the Executive Director, and Bob Penny, also a Director at that stage.

It was at this time that Bob invited me onto the Board of Directors, and I was voted on by the Board. The idea was that I would come on, and just take my time, getting the feel of things, what it was all about, and define my own role after a while. I was very excited at the idea of an electronic library on the subject of coercive psychology, and research, and a unique chance to participate in the analytical examination of this whole cult phenomenon. I knew that coercive psychology extends to political groups, businesses, etc. It is just *so* broad. It was something I still didn't really understand, and so researching and documenting it was just *the* best thing. I knew that Bob has Multiple Sclerosis, and that he needed help with editing, and various other things, so, as agreed, I came on board on a low profile. Bob and I were in the middle of a conversation when suddenly mail just stopped coming. I had a chill down my spine, and then the word came through, he and Lawrence had been raided. This was just unbelievably INSANE! Had the authorities gone totally mad? I was totally cut off, I couldn't get through to either of them on the telephone, and I didn't know what was going on.

I decided to jump in feet first to draw as much public attention and outrage to the Raids as I possibly could, and my only vehicle, stuck out here in the "Bush", was ARS. I posted a press release that Lawrence and Bob and I had been working on, ahead of schedule - because I didn't know when I'd hear from them again. I was also worried sick about Bob, and his medical condition, and what this Gestapo-like tactic would do to his health.

This catapulted me into a public leadership role I most certainly was *not* ready for. But I was the only one left who could speak, and so I just shut my eyes, and plunged in, and hoped for the best. Hah.

Never hope for the best. As a result of being the only one, despite the fact that I had very little idea of what was happening in the States, and had to rely on people getting things though to me, with the time-zone difference that would sometimes be "old" news by the time I received it, I started getting swamped with e-mail. Sometimes 100 - 250 a day, I'd have to stay on at work to attend to it after hours, sometimes until midnight. I don't have a computer at home, very few South Africans can afford this luxury - so my computer was always a half hour drive away from where I live. This becomes relevant later.

It was like being back in an Org, on staff! I mostly enjoyed it, talking to people, helping others, etc., but I wasn't in a position to answer important queries on finance, the legal situation, etc. I simply did not have the knowledge. And I was quite overwhelmed by the sheer volume. And I was unaware of the fact that I had, by becoming a Director of FACTNet, just placed a target on myself, and invited OSA to shoot. I started being "zoomed" in private e-mail, by various OSA identities. And I read the stuff. And it affected me.

Yes. It DAMN well affected me. Where it would not have affected someone who had never been conditioned to the Scientology world view, it touched on things deep within me, left over from my earlier programming.
THE BOMB THREAT:

In the week preceding the bomb threat phone call that Malcolm Nothling (a litigant against Scientology, who lives in South Africa, but is not on the Internet) received, I had already started to feel really, really stretched and stressed out. I had received a lot of e- mail from various posters whom I assume were Scientologists, and/or OSA, appealing to things in me that I had thought were gone: "Why are you attacking that which gives spiritual freedom?". It was in e-mail.

I had been analysing Andrew Milne's (at that stage, the only "official" Scientology representative on ARS) posts, for hints of where they were going to hit, etc, and also to counter his PR lies.

But the damn things were affecting me. I was feeling my geographical distance very strongly. I had a concern about what Milne claimed to be Arnie's connection to Willis Carto. I felt myself mentally wobbling. I didn't feel I could tell any of the others, because they all were under fire and pressure, too. They were in fact, under much worse pressure than me, and they didn't need me whingeing and whining about how I felt.

So, I recognised the danger of the state I was in, and was looking for a way to withdraw from the conflict for a while.

Then there was the South African scene. Sigh. I was very definitely fighting too many battles. Anyhow. In addition to all this, Malcolm and I had been tense with each other - he thought I was a plant, (a "plant" can be defined as an OSA operative, a "field agent", or "Field Staff Member" (FSM), who moves in on an area, under an identity, for the purpose of gathering intelligence information on Scientology's defined targets, to pass back on to them - OSA Investigations, or OSA Invest, use expendible FSMs for this purpose) I think he had for a while, and I was bothered by his former police/SADF ties (SADF - South African Defence Force - the army which kept the apartheid regime in place, and conscription was compulsory for all white males).

So, Malcolm and I had never really been comfortable with each other.

He never even knew I had become a Director of FACTNet until quite late in the day. And he had no idea of the high-profile I had on the net at that stage. I tried to tell him, but he couldn't understand - you can't really, unless you've actually seen what the net is about.

I had a week's study leave coming up, for an International Politics exam. Since I don't have a computer at home, this was to be the break I badly needed. And then Malcolm phoned me, and told me about the bomb threat. He had received a call from someone with a Zimbabwean accent, who said that as a result of the ruling in the Gerry Armstrong case, a Scientology org was going to be bombed. He asked Malcolm if he wanted to be part of the operation, since he had expertise in the field of explosives.

I immediately said to Malcolm that it sounded like an OSA op, and he said no, he was *convinced* it was genuine, it was going to happen, and he didn't want to be framed for it when it happened, and would I post to the Net saying it happened, and that he disassociates himself from it. I was hesistant, knowing the effect this might have on the FACTNet scenario, but I also felt obliged to help him, because he had been standing alone in South Africa, for seven years, going through sheer hell, and his case just never coming to trial - a fault of our totally laughable court system. He and I talked, and then got into an argument - he asked me *why* I was in the fight, what were my motives, he said he thought I should get out while I still had some dignity, and I thought to myself how much Milne's posts had affected me....and how much I wanted to get out...but it was a long call, late at night...two hours I think, and we just went round and round in circles, till he suggested I just post the thing, and resign at the same time. *He* was the one who suggested I link the two. And I was so confused - I couldn't understand why my *own* side was blowing me off, and I started thinking maybe *he* was working for the Church, and oh man, it just got ridiculous. The next morning, instead of doing the logical thing and discussing it with Bob, I just posted the message.

I found out later, after making peace with him and then going our separate ways, that Malcolm did what he did because he cared about me. He didn't want me to get hurt, and he knew, far better than I, what the pitfalls were. I think he thought I thought it was all a game, and I didn't realise just what I had gotten myself into.

He felt I should just get on with my life, and stay out of the jungle.

He was not the only one to warn me. Dennis Erlich also did, in the early days, warn me not to become the "poster child" of ARS - both of them saw in me, I think, the danger of that conditioning which had had a deeper impact on me than I or the critics wanted to recognise.

But I didn't see it. And I posted the message. And then, I had a very bad feeling that something was going to happen, so I scrabbled together something I'd been working on, on the similarities between Hubbard and Hitlers' organisational and political structures, but I didn't have time to do a fully researched report, just pieced together the basics, and I got it to Bob. Both Lawrence and Bob asked me to reconsider my resignation, and I told both of them I needed time to get my head together. And because Malcolm so had the wind up about this bomb threat thing, and because *he* took it seriously, I did, too. I assumed, because he had so much experience with fighting Scientology, and I had so little, that if he said something was so, then it was. I trusted his judgement over mine. He was the one who received the call, not me.

Malcolm and I *both* made a mistake there. That was my first mistake.

And then I did something really, really stupid. I didn't think so at the time, I thought it was perfectly reasonable. I phoned David (OSA, Johannnesburg), and told him I was leaving the conflict. I had hoped that if I told them I was out of it, they would leave me alone and the danger I was feeling in regard to my own mental state could be averted, because I believed them when they had previously said they wouldn't attack unless someone attacked them first. He asked me to put it in writing and fax it to him. I did. Yes. I *did* that. The fax was full of apologies and guilt and concern at what I saw to be the hatred on the Internet.

And I thought that was that. Oh God. Oh God. If only it had been. If only they had just left it at that, and let me go.

But no. I got myself into this. I've got to go all the way down the road, now. To be absolutely fair to David, I had sent him confusing signals too. I *didn't* like the harshness on the Internet, the invective against Scientologists, it was affecting me *as if* I was still a Scientologist. I genuinely wished there could be some way to alleviate this and I still believed there could be some reasonable way out of this. However, to an OSA-trained Sea Org member, this must have sounded like I was ready to do Steps A -E. Strike a blow to the "enemy" (critics) without regard to personal danger. I forgot that. I forgot how they think. *Monumental* stupidity on my part.

*That* was the point where I let everyone down. To be stupid enough to make friendly overtures to the OSA, I should have known better, I really should. I offer no excuse. I did *not* intend at that stage to betray everyone, at all. I just wanted out, because I knew I wasn't sufficiently recovered to hold onto my views - my cult indoctrination was still too recent - less than a year, and I was in for four years.

I just wanted OSA to know that I was out, and leave me alone. My fear of them was that they *would* have a power over me, I had been indoctrinated to fear them, whereas a critic would just laugh in their face.

THE BELLY OF THE BEAST:

On 17th October, 1995, I had just started my study leave, and was preparing to study for my exam - had a lot to get through, as I'd neglected it in the last two months, after joining FACTNet - and I was working full-time, so I had a week to cram a year's work.

And at 5.25 pm or so, there was a pounding knock on the door of my apartment (we say "flat" here, but I've become so used to saying "apartment" for the Americans). At the time, I had someone staying with me - I had invited them to stay, a few months ago because they were very ill, and needed someone to take care of them for a while.

They were in the apartment when this happened. Knock, knock, and then trying the door handle. Jesus. I knew. I said : - "don't answer"

- and then I saw David, going to the other flats (it's a ground floor flat, with little blocks around a lawn), asking the neighbours where I was...oh God, it *is* him. What was he *doing* here? I had thought that my location in Cape Town, literally on the edge of the world, would protect me, since OSA Africa is based in Johannesburg.

I didn't want the person staying with me to know what any of this was, the shock could have killed them. Literally. I had to protect them from the OSA goons. So I opened the door when David pounded again, and stood outside with him.

I asked him what he wanted, and he said just to talk a bit, and that he had come down from Johannesburg for a mission, and that he thought he'd say hello to me while he was here. I was wary, and so I stalled him, and said that I was in the middle of something, and would he come back in an hour. He was very reluctant, but then said, OK, well maybe we can grab some supper, or so. He made out like it was very casual. I had no wish to have supper, or talk to him, and I certainly had not invited him to meet with me, but I didn't want to antagonise him, and have him create a scene, which would have upset the person staying with me.

I went back inside. I was wavering - what the hell do I do?

I knew that I needed help, I wouldn't be able to get rid of him by myself. Anyhow, I figured I better call someone. I called Malcolm. He wasn't there, and I didn't leave a message on his machine. I didn't feel, after our last conversation, that he was someone I could turn to. There was no-one else in South Africa. I tried to call Lawrence in the States, but he wasn't there either - it was a bad time. What could anyone over there have done, anyway? This wasn't their country. Different laws, different conditions, totally different circumstances. I became aware of how far from this artificial world of cyberspace I was - of how you get the illusion of being connected to the world, but you're not, really.

When the trouble comes, you're on your own. Or I was, anyhow. I had no support network around me, apart from Malcolm, and after our last conversation, even that tenuous thread was not there. I was on my own, and trying to protect someone who was ill.

And of course, I have no computer at home, so I couldn't send an e- mail out. I didn't want to drive to my place of work, and leave the person staying with me alone.

So, I called the police, and told them that there was someone bothering me, whom I didn't want to speak to, who would be coming back, and would they come around? I was nervous about having done this, because the police make me nervous, and I knew that David would be angry, but I felt that a police presence should get the message across that I wasn't willing to enter into a dialogue with David, and that he would back off, not wanting any trouble for Scientology with the law.

They never came. THEY NEVER CAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This happens often - because they are very, very short staffed, badly underpaid, and cannot cope with the crime rate, which is escalating crazily (It's just been announced that Johannesburg - dear little Johannesburg - now has the highest crime rate in the *world!* That's higher than Mexico City, which is *huge* in comparison. While I live in Cape Town, and it's not quite as bad as Johannesburg, it's not far behind. The Manenburg street gangs. The vigilantes murdering drug dealers, taking the law into their own hands, because the law is failing. The Minister of Justice in hiding becuase of a threat on his life - and everyone says that if the police cannot protect a *cabinet minister*, then they can't protect anyone. Mad. The whole country's gone bloody mad. Everyone wants to blow everyone's head off, or set each other alight....and there's no protection from the police, you're on your own....just a semblance of some sort of system that occasionally, if you're lucky, works.....but I digress again.)

I wasn't lucky, this was too trivial for them to bother with.

I waited, they never came, and then David was back at the door.

I was now terrified, I had relied on the fact that the police would come, and the problem would be solved, but that had not happened. And I realised that *I* had to deal with it, somehow, myself. The person staying with me wondered what all this was about, and I told them not to worry, that I was just going out for supper, and would be back in a hour or so. I just wanted to get him away from them. So, I went with him. I wanted to take my car, but he insisted we go in his. I wasn't terribly comfortable about that, but I went anyway. Already, even at this stage, like an IDIOT, I am responding to his "control", giving him a power over me which he is not entitled to.

The conditioning has already kicked in. A simple thing like that. "My car". "No, MY car." "Oh, OK."

While we were in the car, he said he'd rather go back to his hotel (the Woodstock Holiday Inn) for supper, since it was easier, and there was someone he wanted me to meet. I went cold. I said "Who?" He laughed and said not to worry, it would be fine. My heart was in my stomach. On one level I knew. On another, I refused to face it, I'm just going to try and deal with whatever comes up as best I can.

I kept telling myself that I had dealt with him before, I could do it again, and I kept telling myself that as long as I just hung on to my own view, I would be OK, I could handle it.

When he mentioned the "someone else", I wanted to tell him to stop the car, but I didn't. I have already, at this stage, relinquished my conscious adult rights, and am responding to him like a goddamn *kid*.

We went up to the hotel room, and there was one other person there.

David introduced her to me as Anne, from OSA Int in LA. I never got her surname. They ordered supper, I didn't want any (food was the last thing I wanted right then), and were very friendly. I was cautious. David waved my fax at me and said they were here because I had said I wanted to settle. I replied that that was *not* what I meant at all.

They asked me why I had resigned FACTNet, and I said that I just needed some space and time. They said no, it was because I was basically a good person, I had decency, and I KNEW that I was attacking something that gave spiritual freedom. Oh my God. There it was again. I felt immediate guilt. I managed to stammer that I did not believe that Scientology gave spiritual freedom, but that I could concede that they believed it gave spiritual freedom to them. David brought up my past love of auditing, and asked how I could reconcile that urge to heal with "attacking" Scientology, that it didn't make sense.

He spoke of my "very high ARC", my decency, and he said he *knew* the hatred on the internet bothered me. Perfectly true, it did. I felt guilty, in some way responsible for that hatred, because I had lead the campaign of outrage against the raids on FACTNet. Even though I kept calling for more reason, more compassion, people were angry, and posting what I saw as hate-filled posts. What bothered me is that from having being a Scientologist so recently myself, I couldn't stop seeing them as *people* - no matter how wrong they were, they were still people, and I hated the cruel comments and insults that were slung at them. I forgot that they are mostly immune to these comments.

The OSA people are. But your average walk-in public Scientologist is NOT. They are *human beings*, with thoughts and feelings and hopes and the ability to feel pain. Granted, they are being put through a series of mind-altering courses and procedures that will take all that away from them, but the process is often not complete. And so by insulting them, people are just hurting those parts of them that are human, and pushing them further into Scientology - people are just fulfilling Hubbard's description of "SPs." Many ex-Scientologists do NOT agree with me on this one, but I STILL, through everything, condemn the hatred of Scientologists. I *equally* condemn the suppression of rational criticism.

So, I had immense guilt over this. They portrayed themselves as very hurt at the attack on their spirituality, and I felt sick - I had always had the most intense belief in religious freedom, and the right to hold whatever religious beliefs one wanted. They pushed on this one, HARD. They appealed to my decency, my belief in God, belief in religious freedom, desire to heal, my love of people, my compassion. Huh. Some decency. I have nothing but contempt for myself.

(Button number one: religious freedom - I can see it now, I couldn't then).

They started asking me about the copyrights, about FACTNet, and they hit on Arnie Lerma and Willis Carto right away. HOW could I support someone who had ties to a white supremacists? I replied that while I had never met Arnie, and had only corresponded with him, I had grown to love him and his spirit. They said how I could easily gain a false impression from e-mail only, and didn't the fact that he was friends with a white supremacist bother me? (Button number two - white supremacists, a *very* *very* strong one for me, because I've lived under their brutal regime all my life, and witnessed their savage cruelty over and over again). I admitted that I had trouble with that one, but that I didn't see how it was relevant here. They asked if I knew that Vaughn (Robert Vaughn Young, a former senior Public Relations officer for Scientology, who was in Scn for 20 years, and left in 1989 - hereafter referred to as RVY) also had ties to Carto.

I laughed and said that that was wrong, because RVY had only met Carto once, to explore a Nazi/Scn link, and that he'd posted this on the net. They left off RVY then, and went on about Arnie. They asked me if I'd ever asked Arnie about Carto, and I had. Arnie had not answered me fully at the time. They seized on that and asked why I thought that was.

Most people knew that I was particularly anti-racist, they said, Arnie probably did not want to be straight with me about that.

And so, they successfully got me focused on this thing, and off my own focus, which was that Arnie and I had worked together opposing the *ideology* of Scientology. They got my focus off ideology, and onto personalities. Standard Dead Agenting tactic.

It went on and on and on. My head was spinning and spinning, and they kept evoking that guilt over "attacking their spiritual freedom".

This was quite simply the thing that did it. I felt *so* guilty at my "evilness" in "attacking their spiritual freedom", that I blanked out the logical distinction of what "attacking" meant. It was just criticism. That's all. But I couldn't see that, because I was blinded by my own guilt.

They wanted me to write a confession of how I had received the Fishman documents from Arnie, and passed them on to Malcolm. I refused, saying I wasn't going to betray my friends, that I was prepared to take whatever they would do to me, since I admitted that I felt wrong in receiving and passing on their materials, which they held sacred, even if I didn't feel they were sacred - I actually thought they were evil, but they *considered* them sacred - so they could punish me, but I was not going to hurt my friends.

But I couldn't hold on to that.

It got so late, about 3.00 in the morning, and I was tired, and I just wanted to get out of there, and they said: "You would protect Wollersheim in attacking our right to practice the religion the way we want to? Wollersheim is attacking OUR religious freedom, and you would protect him?" I couldn't think straight, I asked for more time to think about it, but they just kept on and on. At that point, something happened to me. I still don't understand it. If you've never been in a cult, there's no WAY you'll understand it. But I "snapped". It felt like that. Suddenly, I was back in the Key to Life course-room, being indoctrinated about ethics, and how evil it is to attack Scientology. Suddenly, I was in that weird state of consciousness again. It was like my memory of the whole time I had been out of Scientology was erased. This is very hard for me to describe. I am not going to be able to put it in a way that people can understand. I just don't know how - all I can say is that my state of mind altered at that point, and I flipped into that old Scientology persona. Not completely. But I was ready to do anything to undo that "evil" I had been doing. Anything to stop the guilt.

I saw it their way, and scrawled down a short hand-written confession to the effect that I'd received the Fishman documents from Arnie, and passed them onto Malcolm. I wrote that I didn't know if Malcolm had ever received them.

They then congratulated me on doing the right thing, David said how much respect he had for my "courage and confront", and they essentially rewarded me with affection. I was so tired, I wanted to be sick, I just wanted to get home, so they took me home. It was about 4.00 in the morning when I arrived home. I vomited, and then I fell into an exhausted kind of sleep. That session had been from about 7.00pm till about 3.30 am, non-stop.

I awoke the next day, at about 6.00 am, and my whole state of consciousness was different....I kept thinking that I had to study, and I knew they were going to come back for more, but I felt that I had lost all control after writing the confession - I felt completely under their control now, it didn't even occur to me to try and contact anyone for help. This would have been the time I could have done it, but I didn't. Again, this is something a critic couldn't understand, but I felt mentally locked in, now. I was back in that mind-set, and I was in the process of having my thoughts altered, or in their eyes, "corrected".

I just felt completely alone, that all those people out there were just some electronic illusion, and that this, the OSA, were the only real things in my world.

The person staying with me had picked up that something weird was going on, but I asked them to just to give me space on this one, it was something I had to deal with myself.

I couldn't study, I couldn't sleep, I was exhausted and completely numb, and then they came back for more - again at about 5.00 pm, and they wanted to come inside my home this time, but I refused, to protect the person, and also, because I had several disks, private correspondence, personal letters, and tons of documentation of a private nature that I knew they would probably persuade me to turn over to them. That's why I say I didn't "flip" completely. There was still some part of me, deep down, that kept watch on all this. And it knew I couldn't trust myself to stick to my own will.

(continued in Part 2) ======== Subject: Kim Baker: MY STORY CONTINUES: THE BEAST (Part 2 of 3)
From: Kim Baker via Ron Newman <rnewman@cybercom.net>
Date: 28 Aug 1996 09:18:45 -0400
THE BEAST (continued from part 1)
"THERE IS NO LOADED MAGNUM IN THE ROOM":

This time, they had been in touch with the people in the States, and they had a whole lot of questions which they fired at me, interrogation style. Who was "nobody@replay.com, SCAMIZDAT, Old Timer, Rogue Agent", and what did I know about "Grady Ward - was he the one doing SCAMIZDAT, who was behind Wollersheim, and anything incriminating I could tell them about Steven Fishman, Lawrence, David Mayo, Homer Wilson Smith, Arnie, RVY, Erlich, Malcolm, Joe Harrington, Jon Atack, and others. Hours and hours. I wasn't very helpful, but I did give them minimal answers.

They had some prepared statements, based on the previous interrogation, that they wanted me to sign. Three, in total, I think.

I said: "No, I don't want to betray my friends". They said: "You already have! HOW can you be covert about it, you should at least be overt - you already have". (Meaning that I had already broken down and said that they were right, and confessed things to them. Button number three - guilt over my previous disingenuiousness as a Scientologist on ARS - I *handed* them these damn buttons with each and every post I made on the Internet, and with the fax. Note to the jargon-challenged: "covert" means underhand, two-faced, and "overt"

means open and up-front - honest.)

And I thought about the thing I had scrawled last night and felt that that act had been the act of betrayal, and I *had* already betrayed everyone. I felt dead, numb, I was tired from no sleep, and again, it was about 2.30 am, and so I signed the three documents. The one funny thing about this was that they were as exhausted as I was. At least I wore them out. If nothing else.

My last bit of resistence, I said: "What happens if I don't sign them" - and Anne replied: "There is no loaded magnum in the room." I'll never forget those words. Or stay in a Holiday Inn, for that matter. "But you KNOW you have already betrayed your friends."

And I signed. These three documents never came to anything, they were later shredded. But there *was* no loaded magnum in the room. Some of my friends said to me: "HOW could you have signed if there was no physical threat to you?" All I know is that these things now looked like the truth to me, and I thought I was signing something that was true.I would not have signed something I did not believe to be true, and I had come to believe that they were true.

That's what my friends could not understand - that I had *believed* they were true.

I was tired, yes, and confused, and guilty, and frightened, but none of these excuse what I did. It was *my* signature there. Mine. Not theirs. They asked me to turn over my e- mail, and I stalled, initially. They took me home, and I collapsed again. This one was from about 5.30 pm till about 3.15 am.
THE BOMB THREAT (again):

Up until this stage, there had been no reference to the bomb threat.

The next day, they came for me in the afternoon, and the questioning continued. Same questions, different order - who was SCAMIZDAT, what about Malcolm, Gerry Armstrong, Lawrence...and now, they started taping me. I didn't want to be taped, and I said so, but they just did - my resistence was virtually non-existant at this stage. So, they have hours and hours of me on tape, co-operating, friendly. In a sense, I *had* become an "agent" of theirs, now. Still not fully, though, there was a line I was not prepared to cross.

They wanted my e-mail, and I agreed. I had several disks stored elsewhere, which they never got to see - (these are now all destroyed). I took them to my place of work at night, and copied some of the e-mail for them. Most of it was stuff I had downloaded from the net, public stuff. I handed them a package of mostly useless information, information that they already had. I made sure, as I was copying it, there there was nothing really confidential in it.

The FACTNet charter was one, but that was a matter of public record, which they already had, from the non-profit organisation application.

There were a few pieces of FACTNet mail on the disk. But nothing of real value to them. They *knew* I was only giving them a very small part, they sensed I was still holding a lot back. They were watching my "indicators", (a term used in auditing - you watch for indications on the person's face to see if they're happy with their auditing or not - if not, you continue on, and keep running the process - here, they were watching to see if I was doing everything of my own accord - it was crucial, you see, that I write my own death warrent, willingly, and that they are not seen to force my hand), and I knew that. In my numbed state, already regarding myself as a traitor and the scum of the earth, all I could think of to do was to seem to co- operate, but give them as little as possible -give the appearance of yielding. Keep my "indicators" in. In my numbed state, it was already over, and there was no way back out of it. It was done.

The next day, I got a call from Lt B. Posthumus (yes, that really *is* his name) who wanted to question me about the bomb threat. I felt cold fear, and stalled him. From this day on, they started meeting me every afternoon, and "debriefing" me on anything that happened during the day. I said to them they could go now, they had what they wanted but they said it was not finished yet. So, I told them that this guy had called, and they said oh, it was probably one of Malcolm's buddies trying to get to me. It didn't occur to me at all that there was no way Malcolm could know anything of what was going on...by this stage, they had shown me tons of DA material on Fishman, Erlich, RVY, Lawrence, Arnie, Joe H, etc. (DA material - Dead Agent material) My inherent fear of Malcolm's SADF/police connections arose, and I became terrified. (I have reason to fear the South African Police, based on an earlier incident in my life). I mean this is so stupid - here I finally get my very own police officer, but by now, I'm beyond the point of shouting for help. Now, *I'm* the one who is to be questioned, I'm the guilty party.

They made a call, and they changed their tune. They said I should co-operate with the Lt., since it was an Interpol investigation into violence against the CoS, that there was a conspiracy of hate against the CoS, and that the bomb threat was something Interpol wanted investigated.

I agreed to meet with the Lt, on the 24th and he asked me basic questions. I asked him who had initiated the investigation, and he said people in Washington, and I asked Interpol? And he said yes.

He asked me all the questions about my posting on the Net, trying to find out if I was in any way directly involved with it. He also asked if I thought that this should be taken seriously, and I replied that to be honest, no. Certainly not overseas, the critics of Scientology are more intelligent than that. But locally, was another matter.

This is a violent nation of people who solve their problems by shooting at them. We concluded the interview, and I was very worried. I kept thinking of Paulette Cooper, and wondered if some sort of set-up was in progress. But I couldn't see how any of it could be linked.

Those few days, (between the 17th and 24th of October) I was trying to cram for my exam - I was determined to write it, no matter what, because I had spent money on the course and didn't want to waste it, or lose a whole year. Each day they met me, we went to coffee shops, or whatever, they debriefed me - and they started photographing me, photographing David and I together, and going back and taping me - it was all friendly by this stage. They got personal and asked me about my ex, and then asked various things about my "case", and my sex life, and got some weird replies, all on tape. I sound like a goddamn lunatic.

On 25th October, I wrote my exam in the morning. I really do not know how I managed. I just don't. At the end of the exam, I was shaking like a leaf. They pounced on me as soon as I got home from my exam, and took me to a place at the Waterfront for lunch, and then back to the hotel (they were staying in a different one now, closer to where I live), and I said I was tired, and I was shaking, and I just wanted to sleep, but the Declaration had come down from OSA Int in the States - this was the one that came out later. It was very, very long, and it had incredible allegations in it - including a conspiracy by all the people in the key word list to incite violence against the Church, Malcolm was the person who had planned the operation and was going to bomb the Church, and all the other stuff.

The pieces started to fit together, now. I said "I can't sign this, these are lies - how can you ask me to sign lies?", and they said to me to just strike out the parts I didn't want to sign, so I did - I took out the most outrageous lies, but I still didn't want to sign, and they said "you know it's true FACTNet wants to destroy Scientology" and by that stage I had come to believe that, and they worked through the thing, getting me to agree to parts of it. I was still shaking, I just wanted to go home, but they wanted me to sign it. So I did. Then they let me go.

The next day, they were back, with a corrected and edited version, with all the striking out removed, and they went through it again...I didn't want to go through it all again, and they said I'd already signed the other one, this was just for neatness, etc, etc, so I signed, without looking it over too carefully. There was never an attorney present at any of these sessions, at any time. I did NOT know I had the right to one. I'm sorry, but to an American that must sound bizarre, but to a South African, not at all. We didn't have very many rights, *any* of us, under the apartheid regime. The government could do what it liked, when it liked, how it liked.

Including murder, conspiracy to murder, etc. And as long as you shut up and behaved, you wouldn't have any trouble with the government.

But they watched. You never knew if your best friend was a spy for the government or not. You never knew if your teacher was an agent.

We all grew up like this. Well, not all. Some of the white minority were *fast* asleep, sipping cocktails in their mansions built on the blood of black South Africans, and completely switched off from what was going on around them. They didn't *want* to know.

And so "rights"? - well, call us dumb, but in general, we are 20 years behind the rest of the world on things like this. It just did NOT occur to me that I had any rights in this situation. Not an excuse, just a fact.

And then it was over. But they still wouldn't go. They had the final product, the Declaration which was later to be released on the Net, and it had taken them nine days to get it.

They continued to be very friendly, taping, taping, all the time, and I started feeling genuinely friendly back to them. I said they could go, but they said no, they were instructed to stay for a while longer. I didn't think of what they would do with the Declaration, I just blocked it out of my mind.

They knew I still had a ton of "data" which I would not give them, and they kept trying, trying for it, but I said no, the rest had nothing to do with them, I had helped them on the copyrights and the copyrights only (this was how I justified it in my mind) since that was the only thing I thought they had any right on. I had tried to deflect everything away from the bomb threat, after seeing what they were trying to do with the first full declaration, the one they had prepared before - with the help of the Interpol investigation, proving that all these people on the list were terrorists, international criminals plotting violence against the Church.

Again, this is something a critic would have laughed at outright. But to me, it was a VERY real threat, that they actually *could* succeed in doing it, and I felt I had to try and prevent it.

And by this stage, I was blocking out things, and trying to see it more their way. They thought it would be a good idea to post a "Reasons why I left FACTNet", and some other things when I returned to work. Those posts (and the whole sordid story) is documented on Tilmans' web page - including the Declaration, Bob and Lawrence's responses to the second Declaration (which was still coming), and my final refutation - the second Declaration is not available on the Net. In total, I made two Declarations on behalf of Scientology, and one after that, refuting the first two. Those are the only Declarations I have ever made to this date.
LAWRENCE's REACTION:

Before I went back to work, Lawrence's attorneys received the Declaration. He phoned me. He reamed the hell out of me - it is sufficient to say that our conversation was not pleasant.

I told him they were still here, I didn't know how to get across to him that I felt totally under their control....I just remember bleating out "they're still HERE", as though he could do something about it, and he told me not to "engage" with them, but....at that point, there just was no point. OSA were here, no-one else was. I was alone with them. He asked me to take 24 hours to search my soul and think about what I'd done, and offered to find a lawyer so that I could say that I had signed the Declaration under duress. He told me to phone him back after that.

I kept thinking that no lawyer was going to help me , or get me out of this, because I'd still have to face OSA. When OSA came for me that night, they saw the state I was in, and broke me down and got me to tell them what had happened with Lawrence with the greatest of ease - they were all sympathetic, and said how cruel Lawrence had been, etc, etc, and then they asked me to phone Lawrence, within the 24 hours like he had asked, and set him up with questions, try and get him to incriminate himself on tape and I refused - I was disgusted. I didn't phone Lawrence because I didn't trust myself anymore. I felt completely alienated from everyone and everything, and disassociated from my formerly firm beliefs and convictions about Scientology.

Bob phoned me the following night, and I could barely speak to him I was just crying and crying and crying and I kept saying how sorry I was, and someone was there was helping Bob, and I knew what this all was doing to him, and he asked me to see a lawyer - he was much gentler than Lawrence, and after speaking to him I felt there was something I could do - he mentioned a bit in the Declaration about him being competent, and Scientology's attempts to take away his disability pension, and I said I'd never let them do that, and I would try to get to a lawyer the next day.

The lawyer phoned me, I arranged to meet him, but then David, in that session, picked it up, and he said that he really cared for me, and asked me to trust him now and take his advice, and not speak to this lawyer without at least having one of my own, and to stall the guy - that I couldn't trust lawyers, and that it was a trap for me, because did I *really* think Lawrence or Bob would want to help me now? No, they'd be angry, they'd want revenge, they'd want to nail me. Look at how angry Wollersheim had been, did I *really* think he would help me now? Wollersheim would be out for my blood, now.

Wollersheim was probably just using Bob, to get me to a lawyer so he could set me up.

I realised that I've never ever been involved in anything legal, apart from my divorce, and I am totally inexperienced in something like this, so maybe he's right. I *should* have my own lawyer.

So I phoned the guy and stalled. And went back to work the next day.

A woman from the lawyer's office came round to my office to say she had come to pick me up, but I had told them that I wasn't coming, and so I became terrified, and thought the lawyers *were* trying to kidnap me - the OSA had used the fact that I was so shaken by Lawrence's understandable anger to put the fear of God in me, and told me they were afraid Galen Kelly was going to kidnap me (I only found out who the hell Galen Kelly was later, in one of their long DA sessions).

And David kept watch for the rest of the day, purportedly to protect me from being kidnapped. And they compiled a second Declaration, basically implying that Lawrence was harassing and threatening me, and so were the lawyers. I didn't feel this was true - I was terrified, and confused, though, and so I signed and even re-wrote a part of it - but I was getting very irritated with them, because while I genuinely was terrified of Lawrence at that stage, I could see, it was so obvious, how they were exploiting the situation.

Lawrence's anger *was* understandable, but they were virtually drooling at the prospect of having something to nail on Lawrence - they couldn't even hide it from me very well. There's no question - they hate him, and they are totally dedicated to "restraining" him - they think he is the *most* Suppressive of them all. In the meantime, I was starting to feel like a whore.

ARS (again):

Then, the news broke on a.r.s. They know I'm reading the reactions, and people obviously react with outrage. Dennis lays into me thick and hard, and we've got past baggage (which is documented in "My story") and everyone tore into me...like a part of me knew I deserved, but I couldn't believe that they all thought I'd been working for OSA all along, these were people I had thought were my friends, I thought they knew me, etc, etc, etc, ad nauseum. And OSA waited for me to break. They were hoping the fury of the a.r.s.ers would jolt me and break me down all the way, into going back, into turning over all the information I had. Personal stuff. What they wanted to know about people's private lives. It was obscene.

And they were kind, and sympathetic - how terrible all these people were, did I see, now that they had never been my friends? Yes, I *definitely* saw that. These were SPs, vicious entheta people - did I see now how vicious Dennis is? Yes, but he's HURTING damn you.....did I see how all these people dubbed in the reality when they had no access to facts? Look at how they had decided what had happened with me, but they weren't even in my country - did I see now how many lies were on ars? Oh yes, I was definitely seeing it. I was seeing more - how these people who oppose Scientology on the basis of using mind control were tearing me to shreds - it just didn't make sense with what I had thought ARS was about, and I was seeing a shattering of everything, everything I had believed, right before my eyes - a real life horror movie. A mob on the rampage. I also have a thing about mobs on the rampage - although this was a character and verbal assassination, the impulse of hatred that drove it was the same as when I've seen mobs necklace people, here in South Africa. Maybe OSA picked that one up from my pc folders, I can't remember if any of that ever came out when I was in Scientology.

Suddenly David and Anne were the only friends I had in the world, while all these far-off *e-mail* addresses were stating with authority what had happened as if they had been here. There were exceptions. xxxxxxxxxxxxx. Who saw through it *straight* away, for what it was, and who vigorously defended me, and got torn to pieces himself, for his troubles. Joe Harrington. Then those who were angry, or upset, but at least had the brainpower to suggest people suspend judgement until the true story came out - like Sister Clara, and Ron Newman. But no, the mob were on a feeding frenzy, and you can't reason with that. You *certainly* can't appeal to that for help.

I was ready at that point to say "the hell with the lot of you", turn round, go back, give them ALL they wanted, and believe me, that would have been considerable, do Steps A - E, and become a Scientologist again. Etc, etc, etc. Waiting, waiting for me to break. I didn't trust anyone enough to tell them OSA were standing *right there* while they were all laying into me. It felt like I was in this horrific nightmare, trying to scream for help, but my voice wouldn't work. Or one of those when you're in a nightmare, and you're trying to run away from danger, and your legs won't work. Utter, sheer, powerlessness. Paralysis. I'll never forget that moment of nightmare, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I wouldn't even wish it back on the mob, although it might give them some clue as to what this is all about. But I have accepted, now, that most people just do *not* understand, and it is utterly pointless even trying to explain.

I don't know why I didn't break. I don't know. At that point I could see they were absolutely right. Why shouldn't I just give up, and go back to them, and give them all the data on the very people who were tearing me to pieces.....why not? They were right, about so many things, what possible reason should I hold out for? Why not go back to my former religion? I could see, they were utterly right, in that moment, about suppressives, and critics, and the hatred, and everything.

And then Joe Harrington said:

"Kim, I love you." He KNEW I had just betrayed him, he knew I wasn't an OSA agent, but that something had happened, and DESPITE that, he said that to me. This is the vortex, in a way, around which the rest of this story evolves. "Kim, I love you!". It was a shout across miles and miles that was *so* powerful, that when I saw it, it shook me, and shook me, and actually snapped me out of it, and "OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE????"

I clung onto it ...I hung onto it as the one tiny piece of sanity in this imploding world of sheer madness that I had plunged down into.

And I clung onto the fact that Patrick had seen right through it instantly. There *were* a few people out there who actually did know me well enough to know that I wouldn't have done this on my own, or that I hadn't been an OSA agent all along.

And then I knew I just had to get rid of OSA, and then go and refute the Declarations, but I couldn't do it while they were still here.

And so I had to make damn sure my indicators were in, and get rid of them as soon as possible, and continue to be friendly. I didn't know any other way. I still didn't feel I could ask anyone for help.

But Joe gave me the strength to go on. And Patrick. And others who shall remain nameless for their own protection.

And then, I got a telephonic death threat, from the States (caller USA accent) unless I retracted the Declaration. To this day, I don't know who that was. And they said I was going to need a lawyer, and that they would provide me with one free of charge, because I had helped them, even if I didn't go back. I refused. I knew that if I went into their debt, I was finished, I would never be able to get out again. I decided to take whatever came myself. They gave me the name of their lawyer, and made me call him, but I said I didn't want any service yet, but would call him if I needed it. There was just no way I was going to be used by them any further.

I never called him. And then, eventually after five weeks in Cape Town, they left. For two weeks after that I couldn't do much. I was numb, dead, in agony, and suicidal. I couldn't sleep much, and when I did, I had such horrific nightmares that I'd wake up screaming my head off. I just wanted to die. But I couldn't let myself die yet, I still had something I had to do. I contacted the attorney, and got the Refutation done. I faxed a copy of it to OSA so they knew, and the lawyer got it to FACTnet in the States.

And OSA called me, and screamed and threatened, and wanted to know who had put me up to it, and did "Wollersheim get to you", and I just wanted to laugh, because I hadn't had any contact with those people, and I didn't want to, ever again. I just told them to leave me alone, and never come near me again, or I'd get a restraining order.

After a couple of attempts, they got the message, and left me alone.

Which, to this day, they have continued to do. They don't have to worry about me anymore, anyway, I'm no longer effective against them, so in the end, one of their problems *was* solved, and a nuisance was eliminated.

And then, I collapsed with glandular fever, and was off work for six weeks. I was very, very ill with a fever wracking my body. And a desire to just die. But I didn't die. Despite wanting to. And then I later figured suicide was a cop-out to ease the pain, and an indulgence, and since I was going to die one day anyway, I might as well just endure the rest of my life until it was over. Like taking on a life-sentence.

(Continued in Part 3) ======== Subject: Kim Baker: MY STORY CONTINUES: THE BEAST (Part 3 of 3)
From: Kim Baker via Ron Newman <rnewman@cybercom.net>
Date: 28 Aug 1996 09:21:32 -0400
[Continued from Part 2]:

That was then. This is now. The personal effects of this incident on me have been manifold, but I have no wish to discuss those here.

I am more than fully aware of the effects that betrayal had on those I hurt. I've apologised, but apologising doesn't undo the pain and the damage I caused. I know that. There's nothing more that can be said on it.

What I do wish to discuss, however, is the broader issues surrounding these events.
FACTNet's IMPORTANCE:

The Declarations in themselves weren't exactly legal dynamite. The judge in the FACTNet case threw them out, instantly, noting that it was obvious that I'd been "brainwashed". Just like that.

They were, however, designed to deliver a severe psychological blow to FACTNet, and FACTNet's public image. To cause dissent within the ranks, confusion among the supporters. Which simply goes to show just how important FACTNet is. If they were just an ineffective, useless organisation, then why on earth should Scientology go to these lengths to discredit them? The point was to get people's attention *off* Scientology, and on to FACTNet. To make people lose sight of the mission of FACTNet, and focus again, on the people, and their flaws, and to become embroiled in that, rather than look at *what* FACTNet reveals about *Scientology*, and other cults.

As long as people aren't examining *Scientology*, then Scientology are happy. They do not care if people think of them as a nasty organisation that raids people, because this tends to make people want to back off, not tangle with Scientology. They don't want anyone in their way, they want no CI (counter-intention) to their plans to "clear the planet" (take over the world).

As long as people don't look at *Scientology*, the *doctrine*, critically, they are happy, as long as there is no public record of NON-success stories, where people have had bad experiences in Scientology, they are happy.
FACTNet's MISSION:

FACTNet's mission is to educate people in the field of co-ercive psychology. To look at and document instances of persuasive techniques used to bring people to a set of beliefs that they may not have reached of their own accord. As an electronic library, to record and document personal accounts, research reports and articles on this previously unchartered territory of the human mind. That is what FACTNet is about, that is the common vision that all of us who have ever been part of it, share. That was the vision that inspired me, and that was why I joined FACTNet. I still firmly believe in that mission, as a private individual, even though I am no longer a part of FACTNet. What happened with me was a live example of co-ercive psychology in action. Of persuasive techniques being used, successfully.

TECHNIQUES:

Firstly, I was vulnerable to them, because I was already "Floating".

"Floating" has been recorded and documented as a phenomenon that manifests in many ex-cult members, from as early as 1976, by Ted Patrick. It was later recorded by Steve Hassan, in his book "Combatting cult mind control", and Margaret Singer in her book "Cults in our midst". So, contrary to what most ARS people believed, calling it my "flip-flop" (that's quite a good term, actually!), it was not a totally unique "Kim Baker" failing. Ex-cult members had had this happen to them *long* before I came along, I just do not think it had ever happened to anyone so publically, before. I also wasn't aware of the phenomenon myself, until these books were brought to my attention, after the shame of last year.

Basically, what was happening, is that that doctrine, that system of thought called "Scientology", which I had incorporated into my consciousness, was being triggered. You cannot totally believe in a doctrine, and then instantly make *all* those beliefs and thought processes vanish. You cannot amputate an entire ideology in an instant of recognition that a part of it is false. It is a process, which takes time. I didn't know that at the time. And as a result, I let everyone down, very, very badly. I *am* sorry.

COERCION OR CULPIBILITY?

At the time, when I was posting to ars, I was insistent that I had not been coerced. The definition of co-ercion here is very tricky.

There was no loaded magnum in the room. They did not make me do anything I did not, myself, agree to. So, on the surface, indeed, I had not been co-erced, and I must take the full responsibility for my actions. However. I would not have done those things on my *own* initiative. I am *totally* certain of that.

OSA had mission orders. They had a final product to be achieved. They were equipped with a list of my buttons, they knew how to evoke the most extreme guilt in me, and they had drilled all this before-hand.

I did not realise that. They controlled the environment around me.

They had assessed my "tone level", and knew that TR-K (TR - Kindness) was the best way to achieve results with me. I do not respond well to people yelling at me. And lurking, deep within myself, was that left- over belief that attacking Scientology is evil. The subtle differentiation between "attacking", or what I call "hate speech", and rational, honest criticism, was hanging by a tenuous thread. It didn't take very long for that distinction to become blurred into one faulty computation of logic. Criticising something rationally is *NOT* attacking it. But I lost that focus. And I did not want to be evil. I had no support around me, no-one I could call on for help, and so I walked right into the trap. And it worked on me, because I had spent four years, doing their courses, and being a dedicated Scientologist who *loved* the auditing "tech". With a passion.

When Joe Harrington's post brought me back into myself, I was *me* again, but deep in a situation that had gone way out of my control. I could only assume control again, after they had gone. And since that time, I have experienced no more instances of "Floating". I avoid environments that may trigger this, as a precaution. I know my own limitations, now. I had to pay a terrible price to find out, the worst kind, which was harming others. I hope no-one else has to find out this way, where your fake sun-set turns into a post-nuclear landscape strewn with charred corpses.

THE RIGHT TO FREEDOM OF BELIEF:

And that is why it is so important to record these experiences. Only by compiling a litany of experience, understanding full well that each of the individuals has their own failings and faults, and taking that into account, is the only way we can come to understand what this is all about. I'm sadly aware that quite a few people do NOT want to understand. Those are the ones who use invective, and who pour scorn onto cult members and ex-cult members equally. At one stage, it was these few who really angered me, but then I realised that as with all cruelty, it stems ultimately from ignorance.

Scientology would have you believe that *all* of us who are loud "Suppressives" are criminals, liars, fraudsters, flawed human beings. Many of the critics have bought into that. God, yes we fail, and we have our faults, each in our own different way. But we have the right to tell our stories, give our views, we have the right to be HEARD. The US government protects Scientology because it calls itself a religion. But where is our protection? Where is the protection for *our* freedom of belief, where is the protection from being publically defamed as individuals? We speak out against a *doctrine*, we get in return, our *characters* carved up. This is simply not logical.

We *know* when we speak out against Scientology what we are in for.

Well, perhaps not quite. We have an idea. We certainly know that there will be reprisals, of one form or another, depending on how effective we are. Despite that, we take the risk, often being attacked not only by Scientology, but by the general public who have bought into Scientology's dead agenting tactics. Let me tell you, Dead Agenting works a *treat*. It plants seeds in people's minds that grow, and if that person then dares make errors, it confirms it in those people's minds. And they focus on the *person* and how flawed they are, rather than hear what the person is saying. Carl Sagan, in his book "The demon haunted world", lists as his FIRST point in his Baloney Detection Kit - "disregard ad hominem attacks" - but do people do this? No. I guess Carl Sagan's scientific work would be rendered completely worthless if people found out that, for instance, he was a bigamist who had several wives, and children that he didn't support. (He doesn't, this is a hyperthetical example).

WE STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND:

Why did all the Germans in Nazi Germany support Hitler? Was an *entire* nation evil? It's simply impossible. Europe was outraged by Nazism. Because Hitler wanted to take over Europe, and exterminate a race he found undesirable. But what did the colonists do to the American Indian? The Aborigine? The African? Was this any different from what Hitler was doing? Colonising, deciding what people are not desirable, and exterminating them - we *keep* doing this, throughout our history. Saying one thing is wrong, while we have in fact, ourselves, done the very same thing, or are still doing it.

Because we don't understand it.

THE COLONISATION OF THE MIND:

FACTNet deals with the Colonisation of the Mind. FACTNet wants to understand *why* entire nations blindly buy into an ideology that is later agreed to be odious. Scientology is just *one* little doctrine.

But it is a microcosm of the mechanics at work. It is an opportunity to study the phenonmenon, and only through understanding it, can we overcome it.

FACTNet, however, cannot survive without the support of those people who do actually care about all this. This is why it is so important for people to support FACTNet. This is why I still support it.

FACTNet needs people, everywhere, who are concerned about these issues, to donate to it. There is no fraud here. Scientology would love everyone to believe that. None of the FACTNet people are getting wealthy off it - they are just battling to survive expensive litigation, so that the work of educating people can go on. That is the actual truth of the matter. If FACTNet falls, then so does the hope for us to record, collate, study, and analyse the Colonisation of the Mind. Don't let it happen.
Over and out.
Kim Baker Cape Town, South Africa August 1996.

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