Now up - the final straws & getting out...

So another thing that happened is the final breakup of my 2D & me.

This time when he/she said he/she wanted out, I didn't put up much of a fight - I had had enough. But it was still a big betrayal & it shook up the org a bit. He/she went back to the same staff member that he/she had had an affair with before. But this time that staff member was in a 2D with another staff member. So, suddenly 4 staff members were involved in a big 2D incident. There was a lot of bitterness & name calling involved in the whole thing. Since I was in HCO, I had to issue a sort of Non Enturbulation Order on the 4 of us, when it got really out of hand. A Non Enturb was an order stating that the person(s) named in the issue were not allowed to enturbulate (upset) others, or else they'd be declared. I found I was on the receiving end of a black PR campaign, and the ED this time didn't support me. This was all very disturbing to me, as I felt I was still trying to follow LRH policy & really did keep my emotions in check &

not try to black PR my now ex-2D or the other person. Who helps the EO with his/her ethics problems? Well, you're supposed to have a Chaplain, but in our org that post was held from above, and she didn't have a lot of time, or training on the Chaplain post. Also that person was "too close" to the situation. I got approval to go to another org/mission close by & get help from their HAS, to get some outside perspective on it all.

Within 6 months my ex-2D & this other staff member got married & they were pregnant a couple of months after that. I still had to work with them & it was very, very hard. I can understand why some workplaces have a "no dating" rule. Although I think the very nature of Scientology helped make this situation worse than others - it just reminded me of high school & I've never encountered something like this in the wog world since high school/college.

I looking back now, though, I should thank my ex-2D - since I now didn't have a 2D in Scientology, I didn't need to remain on staff, or in Scientology.

I rented a house with a couple of other Scientologists & soon after, thought about "escaping" from Scientology. I use the work escape, because that is what I felt I had to do. I didn't see any way of remaining where I was & successfully leaving staff or Scientology. I knew that the org would come out and find me. I knew that my housemates would rat me out. I couldn't afford to live on my own - I had thousands of dollars in debt on credit cards & could barely make all my monthly payments even with 2 roommates sharing rent. I had a sister in another state & started looking for jobs near where she lived. I figured I could move in with her & start getting my life back together. Of course, what I was doing was a suppressive act - secretly making plans to blow - but at this point, I felt it was my only way to survive. I had been using Scientology tech for a number of years by now, and while some of it was good, a lot of the way in which orgs were run was just terrible. Reports uplines didn't do any good. New orders would come down that made no sense, I didn't want a part of this anymore - although I did still think LRH was a wonderful man who had done all this incredible stuff & found for us the way out.

His stuff just wasn't being applied (my thinking at that time).

Then an incredible opportunity at my wog job came up. They wanted to send me on a business trip to another location for 2 months! YES!

With much trouble I found a replacement for my post & wrote up a CSW.

I got long lectures about how this was not an ok thing to do. How the org needed me. How my replacement wouldn't do as good a job as I & so the CSW should be disapproved. I should also mention here that the way that I found a replacement was to agree to pay this person some amount of money (I forget how much). I pretty much said that I was going & that was that. I was told that if production lagged, I'd face ethics & justice consequences. I didn't care - this was my chance to escape! I should also mention that there was no way production COULD lag - I was a TERRIBLE recruiter - I think I only signed 1 person on a contract my entire time. I also had no luck getting staff fully hatted - there's a huge list of things to do to get a full hat, and most staff didn't go to their study time anyway, because they "had to get production up". I was good at ethics cycles, but that was also bogging down, because we didn't have a receptionist & I had to hold reception most of the time. And this replacement had some ethics training, so would do ok with that.

So I went on my business trip AND WAS FREE!!!!! I had 2 months of not running from job to job. 2 months of 7-8 hours sleep a night! I could come home from work & veg in front of the tv, or I could go out & party on the town. To say I enjoyed myself is an understatement.

I'd get reports from the org at least once a week. It sounded like things were going "as usual" - no recruits, no full hats, but no big ethics problems either. This really stiffened my resolve to GET OUT.

So then I come home. The ED had just left for what we were told was a training cycle in LA. She was replaced by a staff member that "had problems" with me. I don't want to get into too much detail here, sorry. Anyway, the new ED presents me with a Comm Ev. He/she wants to Comm Ev me for blowing - stating that I shouldn't be the HAS because I'm out-qual'd for HCO, that my replacement didn't get any products (like, surprise!), and that my CSW should have never been approved because I was paying my replacement, which meant that he was out-exchange. I still don't get this last one, so don't ask me to explain it.

So I look at the Comm Ev the ED has written up & point out it'll never get approved & that he/she needs to follow the routing form & make sure everything's right. I don't remember if I was ordered to fix it, or if I volunteered - I just remember gathering the evidence & writing up the issue for my own Comm Ev - and giving it local Issue Authority (since I was also the acting LRH Comm), and finding the whole thing amusing. Also, since I was the HAS, per LRH policy I couldn't be Comm Ev'd at my local org, but had to go to a higher org - the closest higher org being in LA. I also really didn't mind - I was really hoping they'd kick me out on my butt & I'd be free of the whole thing.

No such luck. I went to LA for my Comm Ev - I think it was in ITO - International Training Org - is that the one in the offices above the LRH Life Exhibit? Anyway - I went there for it & the SO members who were supposed to be doing it were busy - so I got sent to LA Org to do filing in their archives & was told I'd be called when they were ready for me.

Just a little aside here - I had been to LA several times by now. I'd get called down for a hatting cycle with the Snr HAS WUS, who was the most amazing "grandmother" type person - I loved her so much. Her name was Carol, but I don't remember her last name. I had also been down for recruiting events - which were supposed to get HASes all fired up to go recruit for their orgs, but usually ended with all the HASes signing SO contracts, if they hadn't already. Yes, I signed away a billion years of my next several lives. Pretty little contract, too with Sea Horse SO emblem on it. I was on a "project prepare" to pay off my debts so I could join the SO. HA! Like that was going to happen! Anyway, I was very familiar with LA & the complex - the canteen, George's, the orgs & all of that.

OK, so I filed for about 8 hours (not kidding), and still no call. I went to dinner, then back & stated Tone 40 that I had to leave in 2 hours, whether my Comm Ev was done or not. I got my Comm Ev. The SO members were not impressed with the KRs my new ED had written on me.

I hadn't actually read all of them (funny, LRH policy states that I should have gotten copies, plus I had put together the Comm Ev), and many of them came off sniping & petty. I got a slap on the wrists &

was told to go home & get a replacement, since I did have the out-qual (drug reversion - see prior part of my story).

Well, by this time the old ED was finished with her "training cycle"

and had come back to the org (I think the "new ED" was a little upset the old ED came back). She said we should just move on. That was fine with me, I was ready to leave (but I didn't tell her that). By this time, all I was really doing was holding reception. I was still the HAS in title, since there was no replacement. I did try to find a replacement, but it's very hard to recruit someone when you're answering the phone every other minute.

Shortly before my Comm Ev, my housemate met a person outside of Scientology (yes, it does happen from time to time), and thought that I would like this person. So my housemate set up a meeting for the 2 of us & we hit it off very well. I, of course, tried to interest this person in Scientology. He/she came in & did the personality test, but ended up saying it was all just a bunch of junk. However, he/she did it in a way that wasn't offensive. He/she always listened to me when I'd talk about Scientology. He/she never made fun of it. He/she was not critical of the whole subject, but made valid disagreements with certain things. He/she was very supportive of me & let me do my own thing - even though it was very hard, because I was working there or at my wog job all of the time. I'm not sure how he/she put up with me. But then again, I didn't really push him/her into Scientology, like I might have done earlier. I was ready to go & a bit relieved he/she wasn't interested - here was my way to escape!

So, a few months passed, and I was getting ready to move in with this new person (I'm going to call him/her my 2D - even tho it's a Scientology term, it's easier than writing he/she all the time). I wanted to introduce my 2D to my family & we were all getting together in a different part of the country from where I lived. I made a half-hearted attempt to get a replacement for my post & wrote a CSW, but it was disapproved. I went anyway - I blew. When I returned, this time I did not return to the org. I hid, literally. I didn't answer the door. We had call-waiting on the phone & I wouldn't answer it if it was "out of the area" or the org's number. Same at my wog job - I never answered the phone. I got tons of calls & a couple of visits, but I just stayed out of sight. I didn't go anywhere near the org. I knew that if I talked to them, or saw them, that I'd fall back into it - that I'd get a guilt trip laid on me so bad, I'd cave in &

go back. I didn't want to do that.

I wasn't in complete hiding - my 2D & I went out to dinner, went to movies, did stuff that I had never been able to do while I was a staff member. It was wonderful!

After a couple of months, I let down my guard a little & started answering the phone at work. They had stopped calling so much, but if you're getting out, you should know that they never really give up.

Well, my old auditor caught me & convinced me to come in. I went in &

met with the FR, who was an SO member. He showed me that a new issue of the O/W write-up HCOPL had come out (again?). Anyway - I had been on end-ruds of my O/Ws (after you complete the O/W write up, the PL said that an auditor had to ask you 3 key questions - something like "have you left anything out?", "have you given a half-truth?", and if your needle doesn't float on them, you go do more O/Ws, or you get into more end-ruds questions on the meter), and so this new PL (that was found based on more of LRH's writing...yeah, right) eliminated the need for end-ruds - now you just needed to get a meter check - no questions asked. So I did & my needle floated. I spoke with the FR on a "handling" for my blow. I agreed to do some filing in Central Files (get some of those addresses updated!), and I agreed to pay off my freeloader's debt. Since I had just signed a new contract, I didn't owe very much & at this point I still wanted to stay in good standing. I still believed in the tech, but I was sick of working there & sick of the reg cycles.

I did some of the amends, but I went back to being vigilant about not answering the phone & checking before answering the door. I just kind of faded away from the org. With the help of my non-scientologist 2D, I was able to break the chains that held me.

OK, only one part left - On the Outside...

From: exscnmem@yahoo.com (ExScnMem)
Subject: Part 8 - my story
Date: 22 Oct 2002 09:47:28 -0700
Message-ID: <3f47257d.0210220847.51312a93@posting.google.com>

Sorry - I've been busy writing stuff for work & haven't felt like writing after work. Here's the last part. In a couple of days I'll go back & find all the parts & repost them.

On the Outside...

Over the next year and a half, my 2D & I got married & got pregnant.

I continued having "loose" ties to the org - meaning, if they happened to catch me answering the phone, I'd talk to them & maybe come in.

They somehow talked me into buying the Child Dianetics book &

extension course, but I never did it. I was still very susceptible to the pressure they'd bear on me. I knew there were internet sites about Scientology - the pro ones were announced at one of the events, and I knew they were in response to "entheta" ones. I had a friend (while I was in) who was helping to set up pro sites & track down "squirrels" and "SPs" who were spreading the entheta. But I hadn't yet visited any. I was really concerned about reading entheta, especially any "squirreled" tech, as I was fearful of messing up my "case" and getting sick, so I stayed away from them. Shortly before our child was born, we decided to move. We did forward our address, which meant we'd still get the promo, but we didn't "forward" our phone & we left our number unlisted. This cut down on our phone calls tremendously.

After the baby was born, I was too busy to be involved at all, and didn't hear from anyone in a long time. Then one day I was in the store with the baby & there was one of our FSMs, who was also OT.

This person never looked at the baby, or offered any congratulations.

She was only interested in what I was doing & why I wasn't in the org.

Then she came out with "I heard you were doing drugs". I couldn't believe they used the one drug reversion I had had so many years ago now, to explain why I "blew". I asked her who she heard it from, and she was vague. I just said, well, that's how SPs work - using third party (third party is the Scn word for rumor line - when you hear something, but don't know where it came from). I wrote up a "Things that shouldn't be report" to the org - still trying to do things the Scn way. I got an offer to come into the org & talk about it, but I didn't respond.

It was shortly after this that I did get curious about what was on the internet. I don't remember which web site I went to first - I probably just did a search on Scientology & tried to pick a "tame"

one. If there seemed to be any OT data on the website, I stayed away - still fearing for my health.

But MAN, did I find information! I read David Mayo's stuff, I read Dennis Erlich's stuff, I read Jesse Prince's stuff - these were names I recognized from my Scn days - I "knew" they were squirrels or SPs or worse, but when I read about the things that they experienced, something about it just clicked & seemed real to me. I went to the Freezone & read the Pilot's stuff about reforming Scientology & the squirreling of the tech by RTC - that REALLY was true for me - I had really been uncomfortable with all the "new" issues that came out after the "new" OEC vols had been released. But the most interesting things to me were the personal stories of people who had been in &

their experiences in & then out of Scientology.

Finally, I found my way to ARS. Back in those days, ARS was filled with sporgories - pages & pages and longer than long threads of gobbley-gook junk that made no sense. I'd search & search through that stuff, just looking for one story, one interesting bit of information (I didn't know how to filter, or killfile & anyway, sometimes there was 1 good article on a spammed thread, or someone spammed using a "good critic's" name).

I found picket reports, and Kristi's picket page & looked through - did I recognize any of these people? We had only had a couple of pickets at my org, and the DSA would always "handle" them, so I didn't recognize anyone. I read RVY's articles & Arnie's website & some of Gerry's copies of the admissions. I couldn't believe it! But I could. I read about Lisa McPhearson - I had been in Scientology when this happened & never heard anything about it! I read about the other deaths & the RPF. I finally found out where Gold was (I thought it was secret!). I found out that Scn had actually lost the Time suit - I could have sworn that we were told we "won" it through the settlement. I read the entirety of the Operation Clambake site &

FINALLY read the OT3 data (no, I didn't get sick :-). I couldn't believe that that was "The Wall of Fire", that I so yearned to find out about when I was in.

The best part about all of this, was that I finally felt "immune" to Scientology. I finally felt that if I got called by a reg, or saw one of my old friends, that I would no longer be intimidated by them, or feel like I "owed" them something. This was a great feeling of relief.

So I've been lurking here for years. I've never felt comfortable posting - I really don't need the hassle from the CoS. Although occasionally I'll pipe up & say something - although most of you know the answers to others' questions. So, why post my story now? Well, I've been thinking of doing so for a while, but never got a round tuit :-) But as for why now - there seemed to be an excess of bickering on ARS. I've lived through the spamming, the psych posts, Koos (god, is he really back?), the junk, Dorian, and more. I know it will end. I enjoy reading opinions of people, but not the flaming. Since I never post, I guess I shouldn't really complain much. But the thing that kept me here all these years has been the personal stories, so I wanted to make my contribution in that way.

And I've noticed that the bickering has calmed down quite a bit recently. I suppose it will start up again soon, about something new, or something old. But I hope someone else out there lurking will add their 2 cents into the fray & start something good.

Thank you all for all of the support & help you've given me through the years - even though you didn't know it.

Let me know if you have any questions - either by e-mail or here on ARS. I'm not going to give too much personal detail, but I'll help in any way I can. I'll probably go back to mostly lurking, but now that I've stuck my head out, it's kinda fun out here, so maybe I'll post again from time to time.

Also, thanks to all of you who have e-mailed me thanking me for telling my story. It makes me very happy that I am helping you & the others who lurk here.

exscnmem

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