AP - Houston, Texas 1/17/06

NASA announced today a joint venture with the "Church" of Scientology that will search for "implant stations" on the surface of Mars. The program, estimated to cost approximately $115 million, will include a rover fitted with an "eternal battery" provided by the "church".

David Miscavige, spokesman for the "Church", stated that they would be providing 90% of the funding for the project. "We had to shut down several of our other programs to pay for this," he said. "But if we are successful it will be well worth it to prove that our founder L. Ron Hubbard was not a flaming loon as our detractors have claimed."

Implant stations, according to Hubbard, are way stations that human souls visit between their reincarnations on earth. Finding such stations would provide concrete evidence for Hubbard's teachings, according to Miscavige.

Tory Armstrong, NASA's chief project engineer for "Implant Alley", as the program is called, said the unusual collaboration could be useful in other projects planned by NASA.

"This eternal battery that Scientology is using is out of this world," Armstrong said. "They must have actually gotten it from aliens or something." He stated that once the implant stations are found, NASA will have exclusive use of the rover from then on. "We will essentially have a permanent scientific exploration device on Mars," he said. "All Scientology requires of us from then on is if we run into anyone there named Xenu we're supposed to let them know."

Asked if there would be future joint projects with NASA, Miscavige stated "we will next be looking for trains on Venus, then investigating the temperature of the Van Allen Belts. Once we're through," he stated, "there will be no doubt that L. Ron Hubbard was a genius."

Part of the cost of the project will be paid for by actor Tom Cruise. He has donated $10 million, with the only stipulation being that the rover have a sticker that says "don't be glib."

Go Back