If you eat cheeseburgers all day and never exercise, is there an herb that will make you lose weight while you sleep?

Only water weight, and you'll gain it all back. You'll still be fat, but you'll have liver and kidney damage from the "dietary supplements"

you've been taking. Wouldn't it be better to just get used to being fat?

Is there a hormone that will add years to your life?

Several, actually. They are only produced by the body in response to exercise, good sex, sound sleep and laughter. Take these regularly and leave the pills in the bottle.

Can having a con artist scream insults at me while I squeeze soup cans make me a happier person?

For the $1,500 cost of a scientology e-meter session, you could get an hour with Heidi Fleiss. At least she admits she's a whore, and she won't send thugs after you if you don't go back.

You needn't write anybody a check for happiness or peace of mind. These things are free, and anyone who tells you different is playing you for a fool. Be smart. Go to a park, play with a dog or talk with a good friend. Or if you're too busy, just take deep breaths for a minute every few hours. It'll do you a world of good, and it won't cost you a dime.

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