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[START] The Cruise-Lauer Interview Transcript

Lauer: Welcome to the show, Tom. You've sure been in the news a lot lately, proposing to Katie Holmes at the Eiffel Tower, jumping around on Oprah's couch, getting squirted in the face by guys with fake microphones...

Cruise: What are saying, Matt? Are you saying I've gone bonkers...I mean, that allusion to 'couch' is pretty subtle but I get it. I'll tell you something, Matt. I'm just fine. Sure, a bunch of jealous people are saying maybe I've gotten a little weird but they don't know me. I've always been this way. Those Hollywood producers used to tell me, 'don't talk about this, Tom' or 'don't talk about that.' Well, I'm sick of it. I'm the richest movie star alive and the American people wouldn't have made so rich if I were a crazy man, now would they?

Lauer: Of course not. I'm not saying that, Tom, I just mean you've been very busy...

Cruise: See, now you're implying that I'm manic. Maybe you think I should take some ritalin like they're forcefeeding children in our schools. Do you know the history of ritalin? Do you know what it does? I read the research papers. I'm not just some pretty boy Hollywood dummy.

I was just browsing through Ramos, Bakhtier, Majumdar, Hayes and Tse's "Liquid chromatography/atmospheric pressure chemical ionization tandem mass spectrometry enantiomeric separation of dl-threo-methylphenidate using a macrocyclic antibiotic as the chiral selector" paper this morning. Have you read it? Of course you haven't.

I haven't finished it yet but there some pretty scary stuff in there. Did you know that ritalin can cause panlobular emphysema? Did you know it can make you vulnerable to decreased dopamine brain activity? Smarten up, Matt. Read the literature.

Lauer: Well, now that you mention drugs. There was some controversy about your remarks about Brooke Shields taking antidepressants for post-partum depression.

Cruise: No controversy, Matt. I'm right and she's wrong. What does she know? She was married to that tennis player and she hasn't had a hit movie since she was naked in that French guy's picture when she was twelve-years-old and don't get me started on what kind of mother...

Lauer: Okay, okay, let's talk about a safe subject. Your new film, "War of the Worlds," is based on H.G. Wells' great science fiction masterpiece...

Cruise: There it is again, Matt. You're saying that Scientology is some kind of wacko cult just because it was started by a science fiction writer. Well, Christianity was started by a crazy guy with a beard who walked around in sandals turning water into wine.

I really feel sorry for you, Matt. You're just a glib guy who sits here every morning and pretends to know stuff. Have you read "Effects of Methylphenidate on Paired-Associate Learning and Porteus Maze Performance in Emotionally Disturbed Children?" I swear to God, Matt, you wouldn't be able to eat lunch at Per Se after you read it. Don't you care what all this stuff is doing to us. Scientology is saving the world, man.

Lauer: Tom, please, lighten up a little...

Cruise: Okay, that's it. Now you're saying I'm gay. I'm out of here. posted by Jerry Bowles 3:32 PM Comments (7) [END]

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Andreas Heldal-Lund # home.online.no/~heldal # www.xenu.net
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