$25.00, Bridge Publications, 1998 The subtitle is, "When Intelligence Goes Wrong." A posthumous collaboration between Hubbard and Kevin J. Anderson, who contributed the "novelization" of Hubbard's unfinished manuscript, I guess.

I thought that Kevin J. Anderson might have a mitigating effect on Hubbard's prose and make the book more palatable, but Ai! was wrong. His contribution seems primarily to bring this honker into the latter part of the 20th century with references to things like cable tv and a cutesy reference to the X-Files. Sigh.

The first page lists "Other Selected Works by the Authors" where we see that Anderson is responsible for those horrible paperback series attached to visual pop culture media. "Young Jedi Knights" and "X-Files"

novels are two examples.

The first paragraph in the Foreword is a Hubbard quote about this book.

Just as Ian Fleming drew from his real experience in British Intelligence to create James Bond, Ai! Pedrito! is based on a true story, but in this case it was comedy."

--L. Ron Hubbard Comedy? There is often a fine line between comedic and stupid, and this text crosses that line with wincing frequency. Then follows the foreword by a Dan Sherman, who oddly enough, toes the cultie shore story about Hubbard's life without varying from it a jot. We note, after four pages of this tripe, that Mr. Sherman is presently engaged in writing THE definitive biography of Hubbard.

In case you missed the shore story in the front of the book (being, no doubt, in a huge hurry to continue on with the body of the tale) Bridge Publications thoughtfully included yet another account of L. Ron's fabulous life at the end of the book. That's another four pages, same lies, different wording. Sounds like a hell of a fellow! Anderson gets about 3/4 of a page, where we are threatened by him writing a couple of Dune prequels. Frank Herbert is probably spinning.

Ai! Pedrito!

The book starts out with a bad omen, and it's not the black ducks, which we are told are considered bad omens by the locals. No, it's the fact that ducks do not feed on flying insects rising up from the swamps.

The plot revolves around the premise that everybody has a double out there somewhere, these two redheads just happen to be 1. A South American revolutionary named Pedrito Miraflores, and 2. A Naval Intelligence officer (Lieutenant j.g. Tom Smith) The Ai! Pedrito! title is a reference to the cry that every goddamn person in South America shouts when they encounter Pedrito Miraflores.

We are first introduced to two Colonels who are responsible for the amusement, Cuban Colonel Enrique, and Ivan, the Russian Colonel.

Enrique is fond of expletives such as, "Sacred nostril of a yak!" and, "By the sacred tailbone of a mollusc!" Ivan seems to have a never-ending supply of vodka, which he is always trading to Enrique for cigars.

We are also introduced to Bolo, apparent flunky to the two colonels. He is their dog's body and man in the field. We hear a lot about Bolo later.

The colonels have somehow gleaned the information that Pedrito and Smith are identical, and plot to switch the two, as Pedrito could provide them with valuable intelligence in Smith's position.

They devise a clever plot to lure Smith to Colodor, a South American country not on the maps due to a map maker's strike.

A female operative calls Smith at work, where he is busy approving missile blueprints he can't understand or read. His job is to stamp them 'Approved.' She tells him he has won a contest, a free vacation in beautiful Colodor, as the one millionth visitor to the World Trade Center. Smith has never been to the World Trade Center. She then tells him it's because he was the one millionth visitor to the Cathedral of St. John the Divine. He's never been there, either. "You were the millionth person to pass Forty-Second and Broadway," she says. When he balks, she threatens to cry, so he reluctantly accepts the offer.

Any good Intelligence Officer's warning bells would be ringing by this point, but Smith just dully follows along. His commanding officer, Admiral Turner, inexplicably disapproves of Tom Smith's straight laced lifestyle, Smith doesn't drink, smoke, or associate with fast women. The admiral somehow thinks Smith isn't real Navy material because of that, he seems to think drunken, ineffectual personnel represent the U.S. Navy in a better light, and feels that, if Smith would loosen up a bit, he would be perfect husband material for his daughter, who is getting up there in her twenties. He approves of Smith taking the free vacation, and admonishes him to have some fun, Navy style. And so, the adventure begins.

When Smith arrives in Colodor, he is met by phoney taxi driver Bolo, and taken to a hotel where he is mugged and robbed. He awakens to find his suitcase gone, and another in its place. Having been stripped to his skivvies, he dons the clothing in the other case, and becomes Pedrito!

He later finds a false bottom to the case, where there are papers and two "hi tech laser guns" that remain unexplained. He becomes the target of the C.I.A. who want Pedrito dead, and the ever-present Bolo appears to whisk him to safety at another hotel. There, he stupidly allows Bolo to convince him that nobody uses the front door of this hotel, and he is persuaded to climb into a room via the window. Once in, he finds himself in a lady's room, and falls asleep on the bed.

The lady in question is one Yaquita, lush, dusky-skinned, raven-haired, passionate chanteuse and agent, who happens to have been Pedrito's lover. When she finds Smith in her room, she mistakes him for Pedrito and beats the crap out of him. Then she nurses him back to health with sex and coffee spiked with rum.

There's another close brush with the C.I.A. man who wants Pedrito dead.

This is repeated throughout the book as Smith is pursued by the C.I.A.

and various South American officials, all tipped off to his presence by Bolo, who seems to have his own agenda other than flunky for the two colonels.

Bolo keeps running into Smith with annoying regularity. All he has to do is throw on a serape and a different hat, and Smith doesn't recognize him. "Don't I know you?" Smith keeps asking. This is what's called a running joke by Hubbard's standards. The humor, if it can be called such, borders on egregious stupidity, especially when Bolo disguises himself as a cable TV installer in a remote Andean village. That bit made me cringe in sympathy for Anderson.

Meanwhile, Pedrito has shed his colorful revolutionary attire and accent, and is accepted as Tom Smith by the intelligence community. So well accepted, in fact, that he is refused service at the local bar. The bartender laughs at his request for tequila, and serves him a glass of milk, "Your regular." The Navy officers there refuse to let him in on their card game, as they know that Tom Smith is just joking because he doesn't gamble. In real life, such drastic changes in personality would be immediately noted and investigated, in Hubbard's world the stupidity of the Navy Intelligence community is endemic. It's obvious in this book that he underestimates the readers' intelligence as well. It's also obvious that Hubbard was exceedingly proud of his red hair, as references to it are encountered about every other page.

Many scenes in the story are absolutely idiotic. When Smith/Pedrito goes to visit his 'parents,' he is asked to do the Tango de Libre at a fiesta. He protests that he doesn't dance. "But Pedrito!" the celebrants cry, "You taught us the Tango de Libre!" At this point, Bolo (in another disguise) tosses firecrackers at Smith's feet, making him leap about smartly. This is, of course, accepted as the tango by the crowd.

Bolo has also called in the C.I.A. yet again, necessitating a hasty escape by Smith and Pedrito's childhood sweetheart Bonita, a beautiful blonde.

But the jealous Yaquita has sabotaged the saddle of her horse, so she is unable to follow Smith.

A note here, all the women in the story want to get married. Bonita, Yaquita, and the Admiral's daughter all give the same reason, "I read it in a story somewhere. That's what women are supposed to want. Didn't you know?" Shades of Scientology and thinking for yourself!

In another scene, Smith is required to blow up the secret C.I.A. missile silos in the Andes. Of course, as an American Naval officer, he has no intention of destroying property. Bolo, dressed as a police officer, hands him a sketch for a clever device. "Say, haven't I seen you someplace before?" asks Smith.

Smith studies the sketch.

"Aha! I should have thought of that myself!," Smith crowed. "I'll just build an electronic induction cross-feed molecular magnetic pulse to paralyze the automatic circuits!"

Then he buys a mound of wire and "hi-tech gadgets" at a local electronics boutique in the small Andean farming village.

Many more adventures ensue, thanks to Bolo, who's hobby seems to be setting Smith up into dangerous situations.

Pedrito, meanwhile, is being pressured by the Admiral's daughter, Joan.

She wants to marry him because she read somewhere that that's what women want. She knows his secret, as she caught him photographing files with a Minox spy camera. But,since they are to be wed, she totally ignores national security concerns until she finds him in a drunken state with two prostitutes, at which point she tips off the F.B.I. and her father.

Smith is finally forced to flee.

Pedrito is forced to flee.

They wind up on a tiny island near Cuba together, where we find that Pedrito has given up drinking, and Smith can't get enough of it. They are rescued by a mystery submarine at their darkest hour, and the ubiquitous Bolo reappears.

He is in the company of a Chinese general, who has a "ridiculously long Fu Manchu mustache" and immaculately long fingernails. It turns out that the Chinese government is hiring, and he has been 'testing' the mettle of the two Pedritos to determine their suitability for agent work. Both of them agree to work for the Chinese.

"Damned clever, these Chinese!" they say, and accept the job.

How can I sum up this book? It's hard. I tried to read it without prejudice, I really did, but it's just stupid. It's one dimensional, studded with stereotypes, and the attempt at humor doesn't quite transcend stupidity. I think my IQ dropped twenty points after reading it. I had to bang my head against a door for a while to take my mind off this book, and I really hope Bridge Publications does not have further offerings of this sort in the works. The terrible thing is, unlike Dianetics, I was able to read it all the way through. Now you don't have to. I hope you appreciate the sacrifice!

--
barb
"Car salesmen are after your money, Christians are after your soul, but the Church of Scientology wants both." -- Hartley Patterson "Every week, every month, every year, every decade and now every century, Scientology does weird and stupid things to damage its own reputation." -Steve Zadarnowski http://www.xenu.net
http://www.xenutv.com (see live Scientologists in their natural state!)

Go Back