IF I RAN THE PLANET (With Apologies to Dr. Seuss- who was born closer to "OT" than anyone in the history of Scientology will ever hope to aspire) "My life is on idle", said El-Ron, disgusted-
"The pulps just aren't paying, I'm so broke I'm busted!
Folks are plain tired of reading my swill,
And my only degree came straight out of a mill!
That pension I've tried to scam out of the fed
Just hasn't come through - my account's in the red.
There's no cash in writing for pennies a word...
But wait, an idea" El-Ron suddenly stirred.
"I'll start a religion- eureka, that's it!
I'll plagairize Freud, won't the psychs have a snit-
And I'll sprinkle it up with arcane techno-babble.
Like 'Engrams' and 'thetans' to sucker the rabble,
And sheer them like sheep when they come, one by one
In a trice, I'll have money by bushel and ton!
I'll sell them e-meters worth maybe a twenty, ,
But charge them a fortune, and earn bucks-o-plenty!
And if anyone proves that my pap is pure cheese-
Then I'll get our their files and declare them SPs...
My cash flow will pour in like high-pressure spigots,
And those who ask questions- I'll call them all bigots!
I'll put on the victim hat, claiming oppression,
It's fake, but so what- it creates a digression,
So questions aren't asked that would show up the scam,
The last thing I need's to be seen as I am"

"But that's not enough" El-Ron said, red hair wavy,
"I'll buy me a boat and I'll start me a navy-
When folks start to ask for their sons and their daughters,
I'll be safe far offshore, in the neutral waters,
I'll tell the dumb wogs that I'm off on research,
For my all-knowing, brain-blowing, sea-going 'church'.
Oh just think of the cash I'll collect wrecking lives,
Enough for myself and my three, uh- two wives!"

"But that's not enough" roared El-Ron, "not at all...
For under my spell the whole planet must fall!
Yes, things would be different if I ran the planet,
And everyone here would know clearly who ran it!
When all other means come up short, I'd use force,
And no one around would dare contradict 'Source"
On my newly-cleared world, thoughts from Hitler I'll borrow-
Dianetic disposal, very quiet, no sorrow-
And those would say it's not legal? hee hee...
The org will decide just what 'legal' will be..."

"But still not enough" thundered El-Ron, "I'll renew..
My cash crop with space opera tales about Xenu..
By then it's too late, for their minds will be mine..
They'll have little choice but to swallow each line!
I'll reel them all in, like a school of sea bass,
And charge them a price in the thousands per class!
For those who at space-cootie stories dissented,
They'll find out that ethics I've now reinvented!
And if to my ethics, my staffers turn deaf,
I'll have my own prisons, El-Ron's RPF!
And cyberspace soon will be filled with my spam,
If anyone out there uncovers my spam!
I'll go recruit artists, musicians and actors,
Making sure that they only see positive factors,
Of my little cash-cow and go serve as lures
For my bouquet of humbug and snake-oil cures,
The famous who wake to my scheme when they're older,
Will still tow the line when I show 'me their folder...
And those who look into my life before fame,
Will find I don't play fair when playing Fair Game.
You have an opinion I don't like, you'll can it...
That's how things would happen if I ran the planet!

And red-head El-Ron sat at his typewriter,
With rolled butcher paper, some Kools and a lighter,
And hunted and pecked as he typed the word 'clear'..
And chuckled, his face half a smile, half a sneer...
NTH

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