This morning I jolted out of bed at about 6:00 am. I have an ulcer and it was hurting like you wouldn't believe. Though I'm not a doctor, I have a feeling it might have had something to do with the gyros I scarfed down for dinner last night.

Stomping around, I was still halfway between sleeping and waking. Having been re-reading Bare-Faced Messiah the night before, I realized I had been dreaming about L. Ron Hubbard.

I don't know what it was -- just a vague impression of those fish lips sputtering on about squirrels and suppresives was on my mind as I fumbled around for Pepto-Bismol.

Then it hit me: Ron's ulcer. That terrible ailment caused by, I think, his hand-to-hand combat with General Hashimoto and the entire Japanese Ministry of War while he was on a secret mission to plant whoopee cushions in their conference room.

There is only one clear conclusion:

I too have been contacted by Ron!

He hit Virginia on the shoulder. This was obviously a reference to his days "breaking up black magic in America"!:

"Not until 14 January was the frustrated magician able to report an encouragingly mysterious occurrence. 'The light system of the house failed at about 9 pm. Another magician [Hubbard] who had been staying at the house and studying with me, was carrying a candle across the kitchen when he was struck strongly on the RIGHT SHOULDER [emphasis mine], and the candle knocked out of his hand. He called me, and we observed a brownish yellow light about seven feet high in the kitchen. I brandished a magical sword and it disappeared. His right arm was paralyzed for the rest of the night.'"

[Russell Miller, Bare-Faced Messiah, p 120]

But what does Ron want from me? I can't think of anything having to do with his ulcer that might have some meaning, except that I probably should have used the excuse to call in sick to work today.

What missions to salvage his sparkling pure ideas, to end the "abuse" done by people who are denigrating the pristine practice of hooking up parishioners to a lie detector and asking them to divulge their inner-most secrets?

Ron, give me a sign!

Emir

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