It appears this was never posted to ars.

http://www.theagitator.com/archives/002535.php

November 02, 2002 Running With Xenu

So after a really nice run this morning, my running partner and I were walking back through DuPont Circle and decided to do the logical thing two people sweaty and tired from a long run might do. We decided to take a free tour of the Church of Scientology.

The DuPont branch of the Church isn't the headquarters, but it is where L. Ron Hubbard kept his office. It's in a glorious old red brick building with wood floors and -- very cool -- leather ceilings. So the building's cool.

Too bad. Because most of what's in it is crying-clown-creepy.

We began in the lobby, where every inch of wall space wass covered with pictures of L. Ron Hubbard. There was L. Ron as a Boy Scout (I wonder if "Xenu" would count as a God, given today's Boy Scout imbroglio?). There was L. Ron in his boyhood Nebraska home. There was L. Ron on his boat. L. Ron slaying savages in Madagscar. L. Ron sending a native boy to collect a bill.

We then moved on to the main lobby, where we found an interesting and diverse collection of......pictures of L. Ron Hubbard. The receptionist seemed a little suspicious of our attire. I guess we were a little underdressed for church. We told her we were just passing by, and were curious, so she gave us a form to fill out. Given that I've already written some stuff critical of Scientology, there was no way in hell I was going to give them my real name and address. These folks have a history of harassing troublesome journalists and critics. Instead, I subbed in the name of a friend (sorry, Jefferson -- expect a solicitous phone call or two in the next couple of weeks).

We were then given the tour.

First up, L. Ron's "office." Creep factor on a scale of one to ten -- a solid 8.5. We were told it's been kept in the exact condition it was in when his Hubbardness passed away.

It was meticulously clean. There were two small stacks of paper on his desk, one with red scribbles, one with green. A sereis of multicolored pens were fanned out on either side of the papers. We were told that L. Ron wrote in red when he was writing "spiritual" stuff, and in green when he was writing "administrative" stuff. I glanced over at the writing on the papers, which seemed to annoy the tour guide. All I could make out, written in red and in all caps, was the sentence "WE ARE THE EXPERTS!" Crikey.

The office too had pictures of L. Ron Hubbard. I wondered, if this office was kept in the same condition it was in when he died, does that mean that L. Ron Hubbard decorated his office with pictures of L. Ron Hubbard? I guessed the answer is yes. It reminded me of that great Comedy Central series, "Strangers With Candy," where Principal Blackman adorns his desk with pictures of himself -- all mug shots, but from different angles.

Each wall of the office was fronted by a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf. Each bookshelf was filled with books. And, near as I can tell, each book was a book authored by .....you know where this is going, don't you?..... L. Ron Hubbard.

I did, however, notice a Bible. And it was not, if you're wondering, a Bible written by L. Ron Hubbard. This intrigued me. "Is it possible," I asked, "to be a Scientologist and still be, say, a Catholic or a Methodist?" I was told that there is a "God component" to Scientology, and that Scientologists are obliged to fill the "God component" with whatever God they wish. I was then told that Scientology probably wouldn't work with a Catholic or a Methodist, however, because Catholics and Methodists probably wouldn't be rolling out the red carpet for Scientologists.

I then noticed a big empty glass box in the corner. It was probably two and a half feet in diamater on each side. But there was nothing in it. It was just a big, empty, glass box. What could this be? My mind filled with fancy. Maybe they captured L. Ron's last breath in that box! His last flatulence! Maybe it's just a box of air they caught the last time he was in this room! Maybe there's something really cool inside of it that you can only see with special Scientology glasses!

No, I was told. Nothing so wonderous. The box once housed a Mongolian war drum L. Ron was given as a gift. That drum was getting repaired. Bummer.

We were next shown a leathery room -- leather ceilings, leather on the walls, leather furniture -- with picutres of the various Scientology-backed drug rehab centers, literacy centers, cruise liners and strip clubs around the country (I made one of those up. See if you can guess which one it is). There were two big clip books on a grand oak table filled with newspaper and magazine articles. The tour guide told us they're filled with clips about the celebrity believers Scientology is famous for.

The book on the left was open to a Washington Post article about -- and I was really kind of shocked when a saw this -- Greta van Susteren! A quick Google search provides confirmation. Here, from the St. Pete Times. And here's an anti-L.Ron site with some not-so-nice things to say about Greta. I don't know why, but this really, really surprises me.

Finally, on to the chapel. The creep factor here charted off the e-meter, so to speak. Stained glass windows looked out from the front of the chapel, and the largest one in the center was emblazoned with a cross. Again, I asked, "what's up with the Christian imagery?" "Hubbard found that cross in the Arizona desert," we were told, "he liked it because it has eight points." The guide then exlpained in vague terms something about the eight dynamics of humanity and I pretty much lost interest.

At the front of the chapel was a great big (probably two feet by three feet) black and white photo of Bea Arthur.

I'm kidding. It was of L. Ron Hubbard.

There were about ten wicker chairs aligned to face a podium. There was a video camera mounted to the back wall. We were told that services are every Sunday morning at 11am, if we were interested.

Normally, our guide said, we'd have been taken upstairs to tour the "classrooms." But there were courses being taught while we were there, so we wouldn't be getting that tour, so as not to disrupt the students' concentration.

I was also a little shocked to see a few attractive women my age in the lobby. Were they here to see Tom Cruise?

With that we left. Not for good, of course. Services are tomorrow at 11.

For more on Scientology, check here.

Posted by Radley Balko on November 02, 2002

-- Patty

Please send your SP Declare to me at ppieniadz at gmail dot com.

I am going to web as many as I can so that the public sees how Scientology really operates.

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