Reuters NY, October 18, 2002

With the departure of David Miscavige, the Church Of Scientology has announced new leadership. The new head of the RTC is South Park's own Eric Cartman.

"Yes, he's quite young," said Scientology spokeman Heber Jentsch, "but his leadership approach perfectly matches the Hubbard Management Technology."

Eric Cartman first got involved with Scientology through his mother, a crack addict who entered the Narcanon program. She eventually became a staff member and sent the rotund Eric to the Cadet Org, but his presence there was considered "restimulating".

Eric eventually became a high-scoring Volunteer Minister at LA's South Central Mission. He caught the attention of Flag Executives by his well-publicized address to the local NAACP where he angrily shouted at the gathering: "Why the hell do you black people have to be so goddamned poor?!

Next, he joined the Sea Organization and was put in charge of the Rehabilitation Force Project at Hemet.

He gained further attention (and praise) by the Flag Executives for popularizing the command: "You will respect my AUTHORITAH!!!" In a brief time, he was a Brevet Captain and the sweetheart of Celebrity Scientologists. It's rumored that it was his mentoring that gave Kirstie Alley the confidence to tell the world: "I'm not fat, I'm big-boned."

In looking into the background of Eric Cartman, we have found very few people in the town of South Park willing to talk to reporters. It seems that they have been "thuddered into thilence" says Constable Barbrady. The one exception was a young boy by the name of Kyle Broslowski, who said, "I don't care what wacko religion he's into now, he's still a stupid fatass."

When asked for comment, Cartman replied, "It's so sad the way Kyle is so jealous of me. It really is."

At the announcement of Eric Cartman as both the Captain of the Sea Org and President of the RTC, Heber Jentsch also proclaimed him the actual reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. Said Jentsch, "He's a natural Clear. He knows all the Management Tech instinctively. Look at his charm at work! Isn't it obvious that he's Ron come back to us again?"

With the defection of David Miscavige to the Church of al-Qaeda, many officals in the CoS are worried about compromised security. On this subject, Cartman delivered this public message to Miscavige:

"You enturbatin' sonofabitch! I'm gonna kick you in the NOTS!!!

At a gathering of Flag Executives, Church officials and Hollywood elite at the LA Celebrity Center, Cartman/Hubbard was bombarded with a full hour of "Hip-hip, hoorays!" Afterwards, a teary-eyed Diana Hubbard grabbed the wide-bodied youth and sobbed that this was the happiest day of her life. The boy replied with a curt, "Shut bitch, and go bake me a pie."

Yes, that's the soul of Hubbard alright.

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Will I be Fair Gamed for this one?

Marc, KoX

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