http://www.foxsports.com/content/view?contentId=2388944

Chester Voltaire / Special to FOXSports.com

Sensing a serious decline in Hollywood Scientology, I've decided to enter the world of spiritual profiteering.

This week, at a lavish unveiling on Sunset Boulevard, I'll tell the world about Chesteropathy, or, as it will be known in trade publications and among policy wonks, my Personal Hollywood Profit-Based Religion/Cult for Unspeakable SuckersTM.

My plan of action will convert such strident L. Ron Hubbard adherents as Tom Cruise and John Travolta. This will be easily achieved because I'm far, far more charming, sexy and accomplished than Hubbard, the deceased charlatan. Moreover, my new cult shares Scientology's three most prevailing attributes: it's expensive, it's stupid and it doesn't work.

I expect movie stars, vapid musicians and other slaves to hipster spiritual trend-making to show up in droves and, like the lemmings they are, cough up the jack to yours truly. In case you're one of these idiots, allow me to tell you what you'll get (mostly nothing) for your money:

$10,000 or 40 Peruvian laborers gets you ... Copy of pamphlet detailing how I created the universe by hanging out in the primordial hot tub with a topless Athena;

$20,000 and three Cadillacs gets you ... Personal Hollywood Spiritual Bitch-SlapTM delivered to your chops by yours truly. Or, if I'm unavailable (and I will be), by one of my Apostles;

Free — I'll perform a round of my Personal Hollywood Spiritual Body ShotsTM with Alicia Keys in your honor;

$25,000 and four men's suits gets you ... My guarantee that you'll double your income in the afterlife, and be able to do that while working entirely from the grave;

$50,000 gets you ... I'll consider you for a role in the upcoming production of The Passion of the Chester. You will not be granted a role, but the value of merely being considered is incalculable;

$30,000 and one virgin ... Allow you to buy into the Chesteropathy Gold PlanTM, which will afford you AARP discounts and a free continental breakfast at any La Quinta Inn within the continental U.S.;

$40,000 gets you ... You'll become a "Premium Benefactor" of the Chesteropathy "Cigs for Kids" program, which provides discount cigarettes and gang-matching program to L.A. youth;

$10,000 cash gets you ... $5,000 in cash of blessed money;

$100,000, rights to first-born and voucher for surf-and-turf dinner from Red Lobster get you ... A registration fee waiver. Also includes Red Lobster surf-and-turf voucher.

--- Scientology tries to disrupt terrorist attacks relief efforts: http://www.cosvm.org/ George W. Bush's latest policy: "No Child Left Untortured Act." Reconvene the Nazi war crime trials at Nuremberg and put Bush, Cheney, Rove, Rumsfeld, Ricem and Powell in prison.

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