A Taxi Arrives at Mother Hubbard's Cupboard

The Clearwater Sun March 20, 1984 by Bob Driver

The Scientologists, the cab drivers and the Clearwater police are having one heck of a troubled time lately.

A typical incident seems to go this way:

A Scientology student wants to go to the airport. So he phones for a cab. The cab arrives at the Fort Harrison Hotel, which is where many of the Scientologists nest.

As the student attempts to get into the cab, two or three other Scientologists come out and grab him, saying, "You cannot go. You must not go." Or words to that effect.

Here come the police

Police are called. They take statements. The Scientology student says, "I am scared. I don't want to stay here. I want to go to the airport."

The other Scientologists say, "He owes us money for a course he took, or one that he signed up for."

But two days later, the picture shifts. The Scientology Student has changed his mind. Now be says he was never frightened and did not really want to go to the airport. He accuses the police of not quoting him correctly.

The police say, "We stand by our statements."

It is a real mess.

Unless something is done to clear up this situation, here's how things may happen in the future:

The cab dispatcher picks up his microphone and says, "Cab 49, make a pickup at Mother Hubbard's Cupboard. Passenger's destination is the airport. Do you have your tape recorder and one other witness with you?"

Cabby Jones says, "Affirmative. My brother-in-law is riding with me today" In the cab, the brother-in-law, Har- ry, asks, "Where is Mother Hubbard's Cupboard?"

"The Fort Harrison Hotel. Hand me the tape recorder, please."

When they arrive at the hotel, Jones and Harry walk to the front door and find the man who wants to go the airport. Jones tells him, "Please state your name, destination and your state of mind."

The Scientologist says, "My name is Van der Hamm. I want to fly home to Amsterdam. But I am scared to death of those four men lurking by the front door."

Cabbie Jones goes to the four men and says, "Speak clearly into the tape recorder. State your case against Mr. Van der Hamm."

one d the four says, "He owes the Church of Scientology $37,145 in exchange for our turning his brain into immortal mush."

The cabbie says, "I'd better call the police, before we have violence." The police come. Four squad cars arrive, equipped with video tape recorders and a legal reporter. For the next half hour the police interview everyone in sight. They take pictures, make recordings, and cause a huge traffic jam on South Fort Harrison Avenue.

By this time, of course, Scientologist Van der Hamm has missed his plane to Amsterdam. He's afraid to go back into the hotel to spend the night, so he asks the police for political asylum.

The police phone the U.S. State Department, whose spokesman says, "Of course we will grant him asylum."

By now the news media are swarming all over the scene. The incident gets international attention, and within a week the Church of Scientology has gained a worldwide reputation of being a money-grubbing scam.

Scientologists depart Within six months Scientology recruitments have fallen off to the point that the entire movement is forced to declare bankruptcy. Clearwater Scientologists sell their local real estate holdings for 10 cents on the dollar, and clear out of town.

A local developer renovates the Fort Harrison Hotel, invites the Phillies to return to the hotel during spring training, and opens the grand ballroom .for conventions and dinner dances, just the way it used to be.

Of course, all of this will never hap- pen, will it? We all know that the Scientologists are terribly misunderstood, don't we?

Still, it's fun to dream

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