Ten Things I Hate About Tom Cruise

I realize that some of you ladies (and men) out there will take great offense to this, but I can't stand Tom Cruise. I don't care that he's been in some of the top grossing movies at the box office, I think he's a hack. I don't care who claims he's the sexiest man alive, I think he's a troll. If I had to nail down the exact reasons why he makes my skin crawl, they would be as follows:

1. He's Short. Short men bug me. And before the hate mail starts pouring in, let me explain. My personality is very alpha - blindingly alpha. Some men are intimidated by this, short men more so than most. This makes them either instantly hostile towards me or aggressively sexual as if, A) they have to prove something to me, and B) I actually give a shit. I make absolutely no apology for being a strong willed, sharp minded, sexually mature woman.

Therefore, short men bug me.

2. The Whole Nicole Kidman Thing. I believe the consensus in this instance is that he's the ass. Even if it turns out she was carrying Raoul the Pool Boy's child, there's no excuse for causing a woman to lose a pregnancy. And, yes, I do blame that on Tom Cruise. He and Red had reportedly renewed their vows in a "romantic Christmas ceremony" then he filed for divorce in February. Shit, if that's romance, I'd hate to see the results of an actual fight!

3. He's a Scientologist. The popular rumor is that Robert Heinlein (one of the greatest sci-fi writers of all time) and L. Ron Hubbard (not) were shooting the shit about religion, when they made a bet: whoever could make the most money off of religion would win. Robert Heinlein wrote the culture changing classic novel Stranger in a Strange Land. Elron plagiarized a dozen different sources, wrote Dianetics, then formed the laugh-fest that is Scientology. Borrowing the worst of pulp sci-fi, cheap Russian brainwashing techniques and Psychic Friends Network infomercials, Scientology gives the rich and stupid a place to unload both their insecurities and their cash. Their allegedly renounced policy of Fair Game against all unbelievers should be, in and of itself, enough to allow them to be shot on sight. Well, that and Battlefield Earth.

4. His Fake Name. Tom. Cruise. Now, Cruise is not his real last name. It is his middle name. Whatever. It's kinda sleazy. Mapother is his real last name.

Mapother. Never mind. He can keep the 'Cruise.'

5. His Litigious Habits. I totally understand suing the guts out of someone to protect your children from actual harm. How is someone calling you a Nancy Boy going to hurt your children? Who are adopted, by the way, aren't they Nan… I mean Tom? Adopting is good. Many, many kids out there need good homes and adoption is a nice alternative to abortion, even though I would like to state for the record that I'm completely pro-choice. I'm just wondering why you didn't choose to father your own children? Anyway, back to your homosexuality…oh, did I just write that? Silly me, wouldn't want to get sued…you suing a penniless writer would hardly be good for your "heterosexual action star" image, now would it? No? Thought not.

6. He's Not an Action Star. A friend once asked me, "How is it that he came to be considered an action star when he is approximately the size and shape of a Smurf?" That is a fine question. In fact, I believe there is an entire contingent of scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology working on that very thing.

7. Risky Business. Hated it. Even when I was 16 I hated this movie. The BVDs, the Ray Bans, Rebecca DeMornay (who unfailingly reminds me of a bull terrier), the train scene, the music, the "sometimes you just gotta say, 'what the fuck.' " Hated it all. A worthy edition to the ever expanding library of Films Your Kids Must See if You Want Them to Grow Up to be Assholes.

8. His Foolish Hair. I realize there's only about three things a guy can do with his hair (unless he's GAY), but I do think it's about time Mr. Cruise gave the Ken doll back his hair.

9. Eyes Wide Shut. The fuck? Never in my entire existence have I seen an alleged actor bring less emotion to a project. Mr. Potato Head would have turned in a better performance than this…and had significantly more chemistry with Nicole Kidman.

10. He's Not Sexy. He's not. And it's more attitude than appearance. Nan…I mean Tom seems supremely certain of his place in the universe, no doubt because he's paid the Church of Scientology many, many dollars to divine it from the swirl of the hairs on his ass. Well Tom, you ain't all that. You've driven your wife to miscarriage, you make tedious movies (even with John Woo directing) and you've got teeth like big Chicklets.

So there.

Posted by Sekimori on September 27, 2002 10:31 AM Categories: Et Cetera

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