On Sunday June 2 at 6:30pm (in all US time zones), CNBC aired a paid advertisement from the 'Hubbard Dianetics Foundation'. The 30 minute film from Golden Era Studios, titled 'The Evolution of a Science', opens with a flickering b/w home movie depicting an idyllic 1950s family frolicking on a lawn. As quickly as you can say, 'non-sequitor', we're in color, at a football game although we seemed to have stayed in the 1950s. One of the players gets hit and despite the aid of slo-motion, sustains a serious spinal injury.

We move to gothic and gaunt Westside Memorial Hospital, where Jerry is getting bad news from his dour looking doctors, who agree that the situation is hopeless and talk of 'no cure' while huddled away in a corner of the room, pitying Jerry and callously ignoring his presence as if he were a deaf leper.

Jerry flashes back to happier lawn-frolicking times before his cheerleader girlfriend interrupts with a visit. She's grim and slightly perturbed over the effect Jerry's unscheduled paralysis will have on their wedding plans. Jerry painfully suggests a breakup and the matter seems unsettled as he fades back into another dreamy flashback, this time involving dancing.

A sinister looking nurse with a generically foreign accent wakes up Jerry to administer some unknown syringed serum right before the entrance of Professor Brown (a 'psychologist'). He carries with him a humorless looking black book. Jerry is incredulous: "I don't NEED a psychologist, I need someone who can fix my legs!" The psychologist explains to Jerry that "nothing really changes.. personality, IQ..."

Professor Brown taps his trusty Principles of Intensive Psychotherapy book. "The latest research proves it."

Jerry poses the obvious question, "What does this have to do with my personality?" Professor Brown chooses instead to answer some other question that no one in the movie appears to have asked: "We must 'adjust' to our situation."

(Curiously, he finds a moment to speak of Jerry's 'upset' and uses the word as a *noun*, despite the fact that Scientologists are the only group known to use the word in that way. Maybe Scientology and evil psychs have more in common than we even knew ;)

Naturally, Jerry is getting visibly pissed off, which his psychologist explains back to him as unresolved father issues. He then asks for Jerry's cooperation if he is going to be able to 'understand his mental illness' and 'accept his condition'.

Now Jerry is lying on a table while a nurse aims an x-ray machine at his head. Two doctors look on behind the glass, smoking and discussing Jerry's case. Jerry's problem lies in his cerebral cortex, apparently.

Doctor Number One registers his grim verdict: "I recommend psychosurgery. Open him up and.. probe around. He would make an interesting research subject." Doctor Number Two agrees completely.

Professor Brown wakes a scared, sweating and out of breath Jerry from a nightmare. Jerry tells him he doesn't want to be operated on. Brown huddles in corner with a new person, a professorial type who looks far too much like Freud for it to be coincidental. They bounce ideas off of one another: hysteria, neurosis, repressed libido suggesting rivalry with father and sexual envisioning of the mother, psychosis, paranoia, schizophrenia. Despite appearances to the contrary, Jerry is 5 star mental disaster.

The Freud look-alike is introduced to Jerry as the eminent psychiatrist 'Dr Adler' (no doubt a nod to German Freud contemporary Alfred Adler). Adler's got bad news for Jerry though -- he's dying from a 'pre-frontal lobe disease'. Jerry asks if anything can be done. Adler says that there is, but it's very expensive ($30,0000) and will take seven years. Adler is dismissive of this idea though -- his motivation isn't money but rather some unnatural lust to perform lobotomies on people with spinal injuries. When Jerry balks at Adler's numbers he's rebuked; "Next time you ought to be more careful."

"Of what?" Jerry replies.

"Of everything you say and do."

"Have you ever cured anyone with psychoanalysis or psychiatry?"

Adler is incredulous. "What a strange idea.. It is even against professional ethics to .. cure .. anyone. Freud even said that psychoanalysis is interminable. The mind is .. too complex."

Jerry is wheeled into surgery.. the room is spinning.. the music is getting frantic.. doctors surround him and eye his head like a piece of spongecake.. the mask comes down over Jerry's mouth and ... *whew* .. it was another nightmare. Jerry's cheerleader girlfriend is there, holding him. Before the nurse kicks her out because visiting hours are over, she mentions that 'one of your friends gave me something for you to read.'

Jerry dozes off again while the camera pans over.. the book?

'Dianetics: The Evolution of a Science'.

Soothing soundtrack music and light from a previously unseen window greet Jerry as he wakes and begins leafing through the book. He reads aloud:

"... Dianetics is an organized science of thought."

"... Dianetics offers a therapeutic technique with which we can treat any and all organic and psychosomatic ills."

"... Dianetics shows that all memories are recorded fully and retained."

"... Dianetics demonstrates that abberative memories lie only in areas of unconsciousness.. that only unconscious memories are capable of abberating."

Jerry does some careful math with his left hand.. (hey.. this is starting to make sense!)

Flashback to the football game.

"... What happens when a man gets knocked out? He isn't there. But all the memory recordings during the period are."

More injury flashbacks. More Hubbard.

"... You relieve the pain in the unconsciousness, and the pain goes away."

Jerry is really concentrating on the accident now. He winces -- curing yourself of paralysis is *not* easy. But Jerry is focused now. He puts the book down. He throws his covers off and stares at his feet. He can move them!

He gets out of bed and gingerly puts his feet on the floor. He can hardly believe it.. he can walk! Jerry laughs maniacally while running about the room and jumping up and down on his bed.

A low camera follows in front of the doctors as they menacingly skulk their way to Jerry's room while discussing his case. They need to operate immediately in order to cure Jerry of his uncooperativeness.

Professor Brown mentions 'other alternatives' but Adler will hear none of it. "There are no alternatives.. not even electroshock."

The evil psychs are not at all happy to see Jerry fully dressed and on his way out. Adler yells at him to "get back in your bed!" but Professor Brown is more patient: "What happened?"

Jerry smiles knowingly, "This book. I read it. And I'm well." He winks at Adler, tosses the book to Brown and marches out while the doctors amble about in a confused panic. Adler screams down the hallway, "Wait! Wait!" but Jerry is gone.

Brown thumbs through the book while Adler stews by the window. He points a crooked finger at Brown while spewing his disgust, "That book! That book is dangerous... It could put us out of business!"

We flash forward to '10 Years Later' where we see Jerry lawn-frolicking with his child, eventually collapsing into a heap of grass and football.

Now a 30ish narrator speaks to us directly. "Can a bed-ridden man really read a book, apply its concepts, and walk himself out of the hospital? The film you just saw was based on a true story." He goes on to spew 30 seconds more sales nonsense and the voiceover picks up the rest.

The phone number to purchase the book is 1.800.367.8788 and it strangely enough had Barnes & Noble's web address under the phone number. (www.bn.com). I guess Scn hasn't figured out how to sell their crap online yet.

The infomercial ends with the following text on the screen:

THE PRECEDING PROGRAM WAS A PAID PRESENTATION FROM THE HUBBARD DIANETICS FOUNDATION.

A HUBBARD DIANETICS FOUNDATION EXISTS IN EVERY CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY.

Persons appearing in this film are thanked for their contribution which was solely in the form of acting and not as technical or editorial assistance.

(C) 1987, 2002 L RON HUBBARD LIBRARY
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

~ tikk

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