Source: The Spoof! 31 May 2005

QUOTE Just days after calling psychiatry a fraud, Hollywood superstar and Church of Scientology devotee Tom Cruise is now declaring war on another sacred cow of the medical world. In an exclusive interview on Access Hollywood, the star of the upcoming surefire blockbuster "War of the Worlds" blasted the use of anesthesia, labeling the sedation of patients during painful, life-threatening surgeries as "dangerous pseudo-scientific drug abuse."

"I'm ready to tackle the myths about anesthesia head on," Cruise told Access Hollywood. "People say anesthesia is safe. They're being drugged up and put in a virtual coma, even for hours at a time. That is just irresponsible and crazy."

And the movie hunk also shared some of his own personal experiences with ultra-orthodox physicians bent on sedating patients during excruciatingly painful procedures.

"When I was a kid I had to have my appendix removed," said Cruise, "and the doctors wanted to use anesthesia. Well, thank goodness my mother wouldn't let them. Instead I bit on a Mongol warrior spear and chanted the Ceaseless Chant of Immortality to the Supreme Cosmic Redeemer. And I'm thankful for that."

Cruise also said he thinks the persistent use of anesthesia has had serious negative effects on society, pointing to a decline in SAT scores and educational standards, increased drug abuse among adults and children, and the general public's tendency to waste $10-$15 of their hard-earned cash and two or three hours of their precious lives on some mindless, special effects swill in which an artificially buff pretty boy smites giant reptilian extraterrestrials.

But unlike Cruise's recent attack on psychiatry, which only prompted backlash from Brooke Shields, heavy-hitters of the American medical community are fighting back, calling the actor's comments dangerous, irresponsible and just downright insane.

"Anesthesia is one of the greatest discoveries in the history of medicine," retorted Dr. John Nelson, president of the American Medical Association. "It has saved literally millions of lives. Is this guy for real?"

"I know Mr. Cruise doesn't believe in psychiatry, which is a real shame," snapped Dr. John Donlon of Harvard Medical School's Department of Anesthesiology, "because he clearly needs some serious counseling if he thinks amputations or heart bypass surgeries should be performed along with L. Ron Hubbard readings instead of under general anesthesia."

But despite the immediate counterattacks by esteemed Medical professionals, Cruise is standing by his controversial indictment of anesthesia, and he's even promoting an alternative to the generally accepted practice of sedating patients during major medical operations. A Level III Operating Thetan in the Church of Scientology, Cruise provided Access Hollywood viewers with a program for fighting pain without unnecessary anesthesia.

"The sensation of pain is not actual pain," Cruise explained. "What you're experiencing is actually an engram, or a negative mental image picture, from the pain you experienced 75 billion years ago when you were imprisoned by the Galactic Overlord Xenu. A steady program of thetan-cleansing will easily eradicate any pain sensations and thus the need for anesthesia. It's simple, it's proven and it works."

Unfortunately, Cruise did not go any further into this amazing process that will someday make anesthesia obsolete, instead shifting the topic to his latest inamorata, actress Katie Holmes, who came out to join Cruise for the second half of the Access Hollywood interview. And the 26-year-old former "Dawson's Creek" star steadfastly backed up her new beau regarding his polemic against anesthesia and his belief in Scientology, which some critics have harshly characterized as a quack religion and a brainwashing cult of scam artists.

"Anesthesia is a fraud. Psychiatry is pseudo-science," intoned a glassy-eyed Holmes. "Scientology is the only true religion."

"I love this woman," Cruise interrupted with a passionate kiss and then leapt on top of a nearby table and began to do furious jumping jacks.

"I love you too, Tom" continued Holmes in an eerie monotone. "Tom is the most wonderful man I've ever met. He is the most virile man I've ever known. He is definitely not a homosexual."

"That's enough, honey," Cruise interrupted.

"Tom has never ever had sex with a man," Holmes went on. "Tom does not have a stable of leather-clad teenage boys tied up in the dungeon of his Hollywood mansion that would be the envy of Michael Jackson."

"OK, that's good, Katie," Cruise broke in, appearing to shut off his new flame with a curious hand gesture.

But while Cruise may have the new woman in his life convinced that anesthesia is an unnecessary act of medical drug abuse, and that he's not a flaming homosexual, the medical community is not likely to give up this fight.

"There is only one thing that I believe in more than the efficacy and the importance of anesthesia in performing major surgery," says Dr. Ronald Pearl, chairman of Stanford University's Department of Anesthesiology, "and that's the absolute scientific certainty that Tom Cruise is an insatiable butt pirate. I'll stake my professional reputation on it."

Undaunted by such attacks on Scientology and his sexual preference, Cruise is scheduled to appear on Access Hollywood again next week to dismiss another widely accepted discipline of modern medicine. So if you want to see Tom Cruise lambaste the discovery of antibiotics, the polio vaccine or maybe the need for humans to have a functioning spinal cord, tune into Access Hollywood next week. Or if you just want to see Tom Cruise waste lots of aliens for a couple of hours on the big screen instead of pontificating on TV like a Svengali cult leader, "War of the Worlds" opens on June 29th.

In the meantime, to satisfy your moviegoing pleasures and your need for cutting edge medical news, check out the new "Star Wars" flick. Folks say it's pretty darn entertaining, and that whole "Force" thing could be a real medical breakthrough.

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P.S.:

It's the Spoof! "The story as represented above is written as a satire or parody. It is fictitious."

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