http://www.pacepress.org/news/2005/04/01/News/University.Announces.Scientology.As.New.Official.Religion-909983.shtml

University Announces Scientology as New Official Religion
By Lee Transue
Published: Friday, April 1, 2005

Media Credit: archive
Pace University has been saved by the Church of Scientology

The days of secularism on campus have ended, as the University, with currently no religious affiliation, has decided to align itself with a spiritual order. the University will take on the role of America's first college officially affiliated with Scientology.

An official announcement is expected from President David A. Caputo in early April as to whether or not the University will adopt a school religion. Caputo is held daily meetings, and he and the administration have finally reached a consensus. In a recent interview, one anonymous administration official said, "This thing's a go, we just need to clear up some red tape."

One question remains on students' minds: What religion will the University adopt?

A recent survey showed that 87 percent of students thought the University would align itself with the principles of Christianity, while the remaining percentages were split evenly amongst Judaism, Islam and the mysterious sect of "Other."

A subsequent survey found that 98 percent of Pace students were "strongly opposed" to an official school religion, while the remaining 2 percent would be willing to consider the matter upon further evaluation.

"We wanted to go with something that wasn't conventional, something that would separate us from all the other denominational schools across the country," Caputo said in an exclusive interview, adding, "It took a lot of brainstorming - and some arguing - but I think we've made a good choice."

"I know it may come as a shock to a lot of students and faculty, but what everyone needs to understand is that Scientology is less like a religion in the traditional sense, and more of a progressive, new age way of living," Caputo explained.

He noted, "[Scientology] helps us to deal with stress and cleanse our bodies of impurities. When that occurs, students will see a dramatic increase in their grades and their willingness to participate academically - something that I'm sure the faculty will appreciate as well."

The Pace Press has obtained documents roughly outlining a new core curriculum that each student, regardless of his or her major, will have to complete in order to graduate. A finalized curriculum will be unveiled when the official announcement is made later this month. The rough outline includes classes from the basic principles and vocabulary of Scientology to philosophy classes that delve deeply into the most complex of the religion's ideas. A few classes listed included "Dianetics for

Dummies," "Finding Your Thetan," and "Are We Clear Yet?"

There is already some opposition to the decision, particularly among faculty, who have been informed and updated on the changes. When told that he would have to begin teaching Scientology courses, English professor Tom Henthorne said, "God, that's such bullshit."

"I understand that this change may not fit everyone perfectly," Caputo said, "but I think once the community understands the basics of Scientology, they'll all grow to accept and enjoy this wonderful transition." Caputo added, "Everyone wants to be a

better person. Once people realize that, then we'll work in all the crazy alien stuff."

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[The story you have just read is Fictional: April Fools!]

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