As a service to newcomers, I'll translate the preceding post from Magoo, scientology's official Usenet spokesman:

1. All critics of scientology are insane. As evidence, consider this:

we critics inexplicably fail to accept the existence of little invisible sticky balls called thetans. Scientology says our feelings and well-being are governed by these little blighters, which advanced (read: wealthy) scientologists learn are actually pieces of 75,000,000 year-old aliens. Remarkably, the more money you have, the more thetans you've got. Only a scientologist trained in a financial transaction called "auditing" can rid you of your thetans. Quite by coincidence, the church loses interest in helping you with your thetans once you run out of money (and your mom's money, and the equity in your house...).

We critics won't accept this quite rational sticky alien balls theory, despite incontrovertible scientific proof from a $4,000 glorified ohmmeter called a e-meter. Scientologists say the e-meter detects thetans. Truth is, it detects suckers. Save your money. Surf for thetans using a stylish yellow multimeter from The Shack for $39.95.

1a. I almost forgot: Magoo says we're all deluded. I must be, because I love my thetans. Jung believed we should embrace and integrate the unpleasant aspects of ourselves, not destroy them as scientology counsels us to do. Through systematic humiliation, scientology teaches you to despise yourself as you are. Then it promises to cure you of this acquired hatred at great expense. scientology sells you back the pride and dignity it steals from you. Clever.

2. If critics score too many consecutive points against scientology, the "church" tries to scroll these messages off news servers by flooding the newsgroup. Magoo thinks we're being unfair when we rat him and his spamming buddies out to his ISP.

3. All critics of scientology are hate-mongers. Oh, not true! We love our scientologist brethren. We just balance scientology's money- grubbing, sci-fi baloney with actual facts. See, nothing pisses off a scientologist like genuine science or actual theology, knowledge which people needn't pay scientology $1,500 per "session" to acquire. Truth is free and always will be. That's why to scientology, truth=hate.

scientology is a business whose main competitor is truth. Ron (Hubbard, scieno's founder daddy who rules from beyond the grave) hates competition. When he was alive, Ron declared spiteful vendettas against everybody who tried to tell the truth about his little enterprise. Lots of people went to prison for Ron, while Ron retreated to international waters to avoid prosecution. Why, Ron made the ultimate sacrifice for his faith: he let his own wife go to prison for him! Abraham and Job were wimps compared to Ron.

What a model for courageous and moral behavior. Did I mention he maintained a harem of teenage girls on his escape yacht? Personal attendants. They helped daddy get dressed. Forget Mother Teresa and Billy Graham. Hubbard's just the kind of hip, swingin' spiritual leader we need.

Ron's dead, but scientology's lawyers, private detectives and goons carry out Ron's legacy of harassment and exploitation. That's touching and so very spiritual, don't you think?

So remember, gentle newcomers:

- Your life is governed by the sticky remains of dead aliens. They're all over you, even now. Ewww, I'll pay anything, just get 'em off me!

- Only the magical e-meter (parts cost: $50; scientology retail:

$4,000) can detect the presence of sticky invisible alien balls. Only a scientologist can relieve you of your balls. Thetans, I mean.

- Everybody who doesn't believe in alien balls and their costly eradication is crazy, evil, hateful and an enemy of freedom. Opposing scientology is opposing everything that's good and decent, like Ron.

Wait--I'm getting misty.

A voltmeter, a tinfoil helmet, a Star Trek novel and some Handi-Wipes will do as much for you as scientology. Our way, you'll have enough pocket money left for a Big Mac.

Why go to one of those stodgy scientology Web sites when living, breathing scientologists are in this newsgroup, fearlessly answering all your questions about their religion? Come on, achieve all the enlightenment and spiritual well-being you can afford. Find out how, right here.

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