This is Wayne Whitney I am planning to post "my story" of my experiences both while at the San Francisco mission at 406 Sutter Street and the ORG at 83 McAllister Street. You have probably heard this same story time and again but this time it's MY story. I lived through it. I need to let the world know what's going on at that "mission" and ORG. I have been writing them letters for over 4 months now and they still have not responded to me.

By their nonconfront they are driving me to do the very thing that they are afraid I'll do. Their complete inability to confront me shows that they have something to hide.

I realize that posts on the internet are like water under the bridge, they last for a couple of days then they disappear. Because of this I have decided that the best way to get my story out is to post a series of short narratives, each one (hopefully) standing on it's own. I want to give SPECIFIC examples showing HOW I was manipulated by them. I want to give SPECIFIC examples of the lies I was told, the mental tricks they used on me and the financial gymnastics they coerced me into to get their hands on everything I owned.

Having personal experience of how "reactive" $cientologists are (contraray to what Hubbard claims) I'll try to stay strictly to the facts and then let you put the "labels" on their actions.

In another parallel thread I NEED to express my opinions of Hubbard and his "tech." While I was entangled in $cientology my right to communicate was so severely suppressed. I had a "tech" that was crammed down my throat that was so unworkable along with thought reform processes run me that I considered extremely damaging to me. At the same time I had no one that I could talk to about these things. In an environment like that the level of frustration and anger that builds up is just incredible. This newsgroup is my one last outlet that I feel is available to me now.

Hopefully my posts will reach others who are experiencing the same suppression, frustration, anger and mental manipulations and wake them up to what is being done TO them. I went through my ordeal isolated and alone, the way they wanted it. They knew it was the only way they could have gotten to me. My involvement with them drove me to the brink of suicide. Now I'm fighting back. I'm not as stupid and evil as they kept telling me I was.

I WANT MY POSITION TO BE PERFECTLY CLEAR ON THIS NEWSGROUP $cientology is nothing more than a global scam designed by L. Ron Hubbard to get everyone's money and possessions (as fast as possible) and then hypnotize them all into dramatizeing his psychotic fantasies.

Hubbard was insane and he created $cientology to propagate his insanity.

At this time I also want to thank all the people who have had the courage to speak out and stand up for what they believe in. Bob Penny & the other members of FACTNet, Diane Richardson, Dennis Erlich, and Ron Newman for maintaining such a wonderful web site. I also want to thank the wonderful people at the Cult Awareness Network for their dedication and work. They were the first ones that I contacted that really understood what I was going through. They were one of my first links back to reality. I also want to thank all the others whom I WON'T name because of my promise to them to maintain their privacy. They know who they are. Finally, I want to thank my good friend who is letting me use her computer to put in my "comm line" to the world.

If anyone has comments, questions or suggestions on how I can get my story out more effectively I would love to here from you. I, unlike $cientologists, DO listen to other points of view.

*** Wayne Whitney - My Story Part 1 INTRODUCTION This is perhaps one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, swallow my pride and admit to the world what a fool I was. How could I have been so coerced into acting so uncharacteristically and let myself get stripped of nearly all my money, possessions, dignity, self respect and even my own life? How could I have been so manipulated, especially when I saw through (what I consider a global scam) right from the start? The signs were all there for me to see -- I EVEN SAW THEM! My story attempts to answer these disturbing questions.

My conscious will no longer allow me to sit idly by knowing the exact same thing is still happening to others. The fact that in San Francisco both the "mission" at 406 Sutter Street and the "ORG" at 83 Mcallister Street are still there are proof of this. They wouldn't still be there if they didn't have a steady supply of "raw meat" (as $cientology staff members refer to people).

I had NO idea what I was getting into when I first walked in their front door. By writing my story I'm hoping to show that Scientology is DEFINITELY NOT what it claims to be. I'm hoping to show how they take the very "buttons" and unwanted reactions they promise to clear you of and then turn right around and use them to control and exploit you. I'm hoping to show how they take all a person's good qualities and turn right around and use them against you. I'm hoping to show EXACTLY how they were able to take ME for a ride until my rational mind finally said enough is enough and saw $cientology for what it really is.

I'm hoping that my experiences are not all in vain. I'm hoping that by sharing them they will help convince others who are now entangled to get out and everyone else to stay out. I'm hoping that at least I'll be able to provide some comfort for those who are still trying to recover by letting them know that they are not alone.

I want the world to see just what kind of "service" they will receive if they walk into that San Fransisco mission or ORG. I want everyone to know exactly what goes on behind their closed "auditing" room doors. I want everyone to know exactly what they do in their indoctrination rooms. I'm going to show the world exactly how Scientology was able to take a well adjusted, caring, productive member of society and turn me into a cold, heartless individual obsessed with and actually planning on taking my own life.

I'm going to post my story as a series. I'm going to try to break my chaotic experiences up into manageable pieces. Since I'm not a writer, I need to reserve the right to modify or update my posts as either more facts come to mind or I think of better ways to express myself. What's important to me now is to get my story out quickly but also as clearly and accurately as possible.

As always ALL comments and suggestions are appreciated, even encouraged.

I want to get my story out as effectively as possible so that other people do not have to go through what I went through. People's lives all over the planet are being wasted, even destroyed by this cult. THIS INSANITY HAS GOT TO STOP!

PART 1: HOW DID I EVER GET INVOLVED?

SOME BACKGROUND In life people sometimes become sick or get injured, sometimes seriously. Look at Christopher Reeves. In 1989 it happened to me.

I've never told anyone about my injury except a few Scientology staff members. I've always kept it all to myself. For one thing, I never wanted sympathy. For another I didn't want people to keep asking me how I was. Most of all I always considered it a weakness, something that I should just suck up and deal with myself. Now however I feel even this part of my life needs to be told. It helps show how underneath Scientology's facade of friendliness and desire to help ("social veneer"

as Hubbard called it) Scientology staff members can be very cold and cruel. Besides all the enforced poverty and mental torment people are being put through they need to know that they are putting themselves at grave risk if they let themselves get seduced in by Scientology's grandiose claims of sure-fire cures.

MY BEGINNING Because of my injury one morning in 1989 the muscles in my left shoulder went into a spasm. It caused pain so severe that I could hardly move. I applied heat and took LOTS of aspirin. The pain lessened somewhat but a few weeks later my left hand started going numb. This numbness moved up my arm until it finally reached my shoulder. At this point I realized that it wasn't going to get better by itself so I went in to see a chiropractor. From the X-rays it was obvious that several vertebrae were out of position and pinching some nerves. For the next several months I got regular adjustments until all the bones were back in place and all the numbness was gone. Just when I thought I was back to normal the RIGHT side went into a spasm and the exact same thing happened again, this time on the right side. I continued for several more months until the numbness was gone. This time however the pain in my shoulders never went away. It would get better than worse or move from here to there. It just became a persistent pain. This lasted for well over a year.

Then a few days after Christmas vacation in 1991 my condition suddenly and rapidly deteriorated. Overnight the pain spread everywhere. My blood pressure went out of control and began to skyrocket. I developed constant, severe headaches usually lasting all night and day. I developed back and neck spasms so bad that they kept pulling all my bones out of place. The doctor put me on Napresene for my headaches and Corgard for my high blood pressure. I increased the number of chiropractic adjustments I was getting. I began getting massage therapy several times a week. I even began getting expensive acupuncture treatments. Nothing I tried was working. I just continued to get worse and worse. My massage therapist even gave up on me saying there was nothing more she felt she could do. At one point I nearly died.

This continued for 7 months. There was no end in sight. The constant pain was finally beginning to wear me down. I was losing all hope. I was very scared, desperate and alone. The acupuncture DID finally manage to bring my blood pressure back under control. It stabilized my condition.

It even started to produce signs of improvement but the pain was still often so bad that most evenings and weekends I would just lye in bed on a heating pad, drinking beer, downing large amounts of over-the-counter painkillers.

This was the physical and emotional state I was in when my sister appeared at my front door one summer evening in 1991.

MY FIRST INDOCTRINATION My sister was all excited. I invited her in and she soon began talking about this new "technology" that she had just discovered. We talked about it for a bit then she asked me if I knew anything about "Scientology." I told her that all I had heard were bad things about it.

At that time my only exposure had been a talk show I had seen several years earlier, probably in the mid 80s. It was a show that I wasn't paying much attention to but it still managed to make a strong impression on me. I remembered one of the guests had been a Scientologist and I heard him talk about "having to control other people." I remembered the audience being very hostile to him and how he had to put on this fake smile as if to show that the hostility didn't bother him. Even though he was only on TV this guy still gave me the creeps. I sensed that he was dangerous, someone to be avoided.

I told my sister all this. She responded with, "Oh that's because you don't understand Scientology."

She just continued on by telling me that the "objectives" she had just completed had suddenly brought her into "present time", that the "Purif"

had raised her IQ over 30 points. She explained that all ills are psychosomatic in nature and that Scientology would definitely cure all the pain I was in. She told me, "This 'tech' works on everyone 100% of the time."

Now ever since high school I believed in psychosomatic illnesses. It was how I explained the back injury that caused me to have to abandon track in sophomore year. It was how I explained why my physical condition was so chronic and not responding well to treatment. I thought surely it was something I was doing mentally that was preventing me from getting better. After all I was already trying every "physical"

therapy with little results. I was very frustrated because I hadn't yet been able to use my belief in psychosomatic illnesses to cure myself.

All my attempts to use mental techniques only seemed to make me worse.

This observation (whether real or imagined) was later effectively exploited by Scientology.

Here was my sister telling me that a technology had been discovered which COULD handle psychosomatic illnesses "100% of the time". All of a sudden it seemed my prayers had been answered. Someone had succeeded where I had failed. I was in constant, terrible pain and very desperate and she was offering me a sure-fire cure, a cure that matched the one last hope that I was clinging to. THIS WAS THE FIRST PIECE OF BAIT I BIT ON! I immediately became distracted from the reservations that I had just moments earlier and became interested in learning more.

She continued on by telling me that we all had unwanted reactions and that these were what were holding us back in life. She said these reactions were caused by something called "engrams" and that $cientology would clear them from me allowing me to reach my full potential. THIS WAS THE SECOND PIECE OF BAIT I BIT ON! How many times in life have I wanted to be more? How many times have I felt I wasn't being my real self? How many times have I felt that some unseen force was holding me back? How many times have I felt that just when my life was getting on the fast track something would kick me back down again? There were even times when, for no apparent reason, my eyes would swell up with tears and I'd get all choked up. This would last about 10 or 15 seconds then subside leaving me wondering, "What the hell was that all about?" Now I knew -- ALL THESE OBSTACLES, NEGATIVE THOUGHTS, EMOTIONS, AND UNWANTED REACTIONS WERE CAUSED BY "ENGRAMS." Something in my subconscious mind clicked and said this all made sense.

She finally said, "Let me take you in with me tomorrow so that you can get more data." Being interested and hopeful that here was finally something that would get to the bottom of my pain I agreed. It seemed like a wise thing to do at the time. I was desperate and my mind was open to anything that might take my pain away. At the time I ONLY intended to go in and get more information so that I could make an informed decision. At the time I had no reason to distrust my own sister.

The next day I walked in the mission's front door, hopeful, with an open mind, my defenses down. I certainly had NO idea that walking in the front door of that "mission" at 406 Sutter Street in San Francisco on Sunday Sept. 1, 1991 would be the most dangerous thing I ever did in my life.

*** Wayne Whitney - My Story Part 2 PART 2: My First "Reg Cycle"

The next morning my sister and I drove to the San Fransisco mission. The instant we walked in the door she acted as though she belonged there.

She was all excited and everyone she ran into appeared to be her best friend. This made a favorable impression on me. I immediately began to feel "at home." I wanted to feel a part of this camaraderie. By the time we got to the top of the stairs we were surrounded by "staff" members.

They seemed really interested in me and gave me the impression that they really cared about my well being. With all the friendly attention directed at me I began to feel kind of special, kind of important.

After a few minutes my sister was hustled off and I was ushered into a little room where they had me take this "free" personality test. I filled it out as honestly as I could. This took about an hour.

While my test was being evaluated they had me watch a video that praised Hubbard. I began to have thoughts like, "Hey this seems like a really great guy. Look at all the things he's accomplished in his life. Look at all the books he's written. Look at all the medals he's received. WOW!"

When presented with the actual facts years later I came to the conclusion that these claims had all been lies. At the time I didn't know this.

After the video they gave me this essay written by Hubbard called "My Philosophy." I REALLY wish that I could quote the whole essay here so that you could see for yourself exactly how something like this would have such a dramatic impact on me. Unfortunately they have a tendency to sue people who violate their copyrights. My belief is that they are so afraid that everyone will find out what they are doing that they sue to keep their real intentions hidden. Because of this I will have to severely shorten it and then paraphrase my summary. It might at least give you SOME idea how I believe I was further deceived, misguided and manipulated.

In his essay Hubbard starts out saying how knowledge should be for everyone and not just the elite. He says it must be able to be applied.

He says the "tech" should only be used to show people how to free themselves and should not be crammed down their throat. He talks about how unselfish he is, that he has been all around the world and has seen such unbearable suffering and that his greatest pleasure in life is helping others out of that misery. He talks about how he was injured in the war and how his own family abandoned him because of his injuries. He describes how hopeless everything had become for him. After that he claims to have totally cured himself from all his ills using the "tech"

that he discovered. He then concludes by saying that the only thing that brings him sadness is seeing evil people trying to keep his "tech" to themselves thus preventing it from helping others.

Again when presented with the real facts years later I have to conclude that this was all a pack of lies. Once again I didn't know this at the time. Instead I swallowed the "bait."

By this time they had created the effect they wanted in me. They had softened me up. They had made me receptive. Now I was primed, ready for the sales pitch. It was then that I was brought in to see "THE REG" (the sales person). This was to be my first (of many) encounters with Amy.

When we first walked into her office I noticed that she didn't even look at me. She seemed preoccupied. It seemed rather odd because everyone else had seemed so friendly. We sat down at her desk. She immediately pulled out the results of my personality test and quickly went to work.

She started by pointing out all the places where I scored "low." In no time she had me talking about my "ruins," areas in my life that I thought could be improved. This was no challenge for her because, as I said, I walked into the building with my defenses down. I still believed that she had good intentions for me. I trusted her. Everything I brought up she replied with, "Scientology auditing can fix that." She explained how auditing could fix everything, that it could bring my personality graph all the way up to the top of the chart.

It was here that she suddenly dropped the first bombshell. She said, "If you don't get auditing all these things down here (pointing to the lowest items) will only get worse." Then she launched into this thing called the "dwindling spiral." She explained that I would come back life after life and that if I didn't get auditing all my ruins would only continue to spiral downward.

She then started rapidly talking about these things called the "bridge,"

the "grades," the "bank" and the "state of clear." She talked in a blur.

She wasn't making any sense to me. I became very confused. When I am confused I tend to go a bit blank, I become somewhat dazed like in a trance. I kept asking direct questions to clear up my confusion and try to understand what she was talking about. For the life of me I could not get a straight answer out of her. I thought to myself at the time that she was just a very poor communicator. I now believe she was doing it on purpose. I've experienced how this technique when applied repeatedly to me REALLY CAN knock out my analytical, rational mind. I didn't know any of this at the time.

After several hours of this constant, rapid barrage of confusing outflow she finally mentioned something called the Life Repair Program. She said I needed to sign up for it right away. She said, "Wayne, I can see your really reaching for the bridge. This program will handle everything you said you wanted handled. All it will cost you is $2,500." I asked, "Is that ALL everything here will cost me?" She replied in a very definitive voice, "YES, that's all."

I then got up to leave saying, "I'd like to go home and think about all this before I make a decision." She immediately jumped up and shot back, "NO!" She ran around her desk to physically stop me from leaving. She went on to explain, "Every time I let someone go home and think about it they don't come back. Their bank gets in their way. This is your one last chance to go free. I can't bare to see you not make it. You don't have to do it alone anymore. I'm here to help you. Wayne, I'm your friend you can trust me. We'll never abandon you like that other group did."

In this one last desperate "shotgun blast" she finally managed to get to me. All at once she hit several deep "buttons" that I had.

In the mid 80's I was involved with a group in Boulder Creek. They were the most lovable people I could ever hope to meet. They were all so open and honest. I could totally trust them. I could tell them anything. My involvement with them completely changed my life around. For me friendships like that are so important, they make my life worth living.

With them I began to become the person that I always wanted to be. Then suddenly after two years, for reasons that I still can't explain, the door was slammed shut in my face. I was not allowed to go back there anymore. I was devastated! For two weeks I walked around in a daze. It took almost a year before the emotional pain subsided enough for me to go out and start getting involved in life again. Now Amy suddenly stirred all those painful memories up again. I never wanted to have to experience that feeling of sudden abandonment again, especially from someone I cared so much about. Now she was giving me assurances that it never would.

Another thing she hit was that I already knew that I sometimes held myself back in life, that sometimes it took someone else's encouragement or support to give me that little extra boost that I needed to try something new. Because of this I started rationalizing and said to myself, "Maybe she's right. Maybe if I go home and 'think' about it I'll chicken out or change my mind and miss out on my 'ONE LAST CHANCE to go free.' A sense of urgency arose when I heard that phrase. I continued rationalizing, "Maybe my doubts NOW are just me holding myself back as usual. Maybe I SHOULD listen to her. I'm not always right you know.

Sometimes it DOES help to listen to others, it certainly did in Boulder Creek."

I also knew that I often felt that I had to handle life alone. At the time I had no one that I could really confide in. I missed my friends in Boulder Creek. I could really confide in them. I also felt that I got along well with most people but it was always on a friendly, superficial level. I considered myself fairly successful at most things but for any real personal growth I needed to be able to share on deeper level with others. I knew that I sometimes got caught in "loops" and that talking to someone else really CAN help. Now Amy was promising me that someone else WOULD BE there for me. I started to believe that Scientology would be just like what I had with my friends in Boulder Creek, only this time more "scientific".

In a rapid-fire way Amy kept constantly stirring up all my subconscious fears, desires, needs and pain. She kept promising me that Scientology would definitely cure my physical injury. She kept promising me that Scientology would provide all the things that I felt I needed or wanted.

At the same time I experienced her constantly knocking out my rational mind, the mind that was trying to analyze what was going on. In normal life most of this kind of stuff stays submerged and I deal with each thing as it comes up, usually in the most rational way I know how. In this environment I was prevented from doing that. Here she was stirring me up without letting ME be at the controls. THAT'S HOW SHE GOT ME TO ACT SO UNCHARACTERISTICALLY!

Even after she broke me down this far I STILL had a few more reservations.

I knew my pain was a constant distraction. Because of that I didn't feel that I would be able to make any real commitments so I asked her, "Will my injury cause any problems for me going up the bridge?" She replied with, "Oh no! You just pay me the $2,500 and then 'rocket up the bridge.' You'll go 'clear' in less than 6 months. Scientology will definitely handle all the pain your in. It won't be a problem at all."

I finally asked her, "Are you sure your telling me everything? I don't want to sign up for all this and then not be able to live up to your expectations. I want everything to be out in the open so there are no misunderstandings here. If you have any hidden expectations that you're not telling me about they will only cause problems later." She replied, "Oh no, I've told you everything."

STILL a little reluctant (and hoping to buy some time to think) I explained that I didn't have any way to pay her right then. She said, "Don't worry. You can use one of these." She opens up her top draw and pulls out a blank check. She said, "You can just write a counter-check against your checking account. It won't be a problem at all. We do this all the time."

With my one last excuse shot to pieces I thought to myself, "If $2,500 is ALL it will cost me, I can afford that. Look at all I'll be getting in return. Besides, my sister has been praising this 'tech' ever since she appeared at my door the night before. There MUST be something to it.

Surely she wouldn't get me involved in anything she didn't really believe in." Still with some reservations but feeling like I didn't have a leg left to stand on I reluctantly signed the check. Amy grabbed it from me and practically ran out of the room.

I had NO IDEA that signing that ONE counter-check would eventually end up costing me over $150,000 and nearly everything I owned.

I remember riding home with my sister that night, tired and confused but also kind of excited. I left San Francisco feeling that I had just become part of something good. In less than two weeks I began to feel that I had sold my soul to the devil.

It was the instant that I handed over that FIRST counter-check that Scientology got their talons into me. It wasn't until four long years later when I was finally able to pry them lose. Who knows how long it will take for me to heal the wounds and erase the scars.

*** Wayne Whitney - My Story Part 3 PART 3: My Ordeal Begins NOTE The events described in "My Story" may not be in the EXACT sequence they occurred. Often these events overlapped or even occurred simultaneously. Some are composites of a series of similar experiences.

Often I wasn't even sure what was happening when it was happening, the chaos and confusion I experienced at the S.F. mission at 406 Sutter Street was THAT bad. Hopefully, however, I will be able to communicate the "essence" of my experiences so that you can see exactly WHAT they were doing and HOW they were doing it.

RATIONALIZING AWAY MY CONCERNS AND OBSERVATIONS Even before my first day at the mission I had already started a pattern of behavior that was to prove very costly for me (both financially & emotionally), RATIONALIZING AWAY MY CONCERNS AND OBSERVATIONS.

For example the night my sister first contacted me she called up the mission and I overheard her say, "Will anyone be there to 'handle' Wayne tomorrow?" I thought, "That sounds a bit ominous, what do they think I am an animal." Unfortunately I just blew it off and said to myself, "Oh it must just be an expression, she can't really mean anything by it."

Then again on my first "reg cycle" Amy talked about me getting my self-determinism back and yet there she was pressuring me into signing up RIGHT THEN. She wouldn't even let me go home and consider her proposition or check out her claims. She wasn't letting me use my own self-determinism. I rationalized away this contradiction by telling myself that she pressured me because she really cared about me. After all didn't she just tell me that she was my friend and only wanted to help? At the time I WANTED a friend, I WANTED to be able to trust her.

These are two natural instincts of mine.

This habit of rationalizing away my concerns was to be constantly reinforced by various staff members throughout my involvement at the S.F. mission. How many times was I to hear phrases like, "Wayne all your doubts are just your bank trying to destroy you." "Wayne that's just your bank, don't listen to it." "Don't worry about where the money's going to come from, your postulates (intentions) are superior to MEST (the physical universe)." "Don't listen to your bank, it's pretending to be pro-survival but it's really just trying to destroy you." "Just keep putting your postulate (and your money) out there and you'll make it up the bridge."

These types of statements were constantly fired at me, usually while I was under a lot of pressure, a lot of times while I was battling severe headaches. This high pressure environment often got me to rationalize away a lot of very VALID concerns that I had. As a result I did a lot of really stupid things. As I write about them all now I wish more than anything that I could go back and undo all the mistakes I made back then.

MY FIRST DAY OF "SERVICES"

My sister and I returned the next day. I was immediately brought into a back room and given some forms to sign. One of the forms I had to sign was a release form stating that I would never sue $cientology, any of its members, or even anyone connected to $cientology.

To this day I distinctly remember myself thinking, "Why would I ever want to sue them? They're here to help me. Why would I want to sue someone that's trying to help me?" I could think of no reason at the time so I GLADLY signed. When I handed the forms back to them it was like me telling them , "Hey, I trust you guys. We're a team now." When I signed those forms I REALLY BELIEVED that they were going to cure my physical injuries. I REALLY BELIEVED that once my physical condition was stabilized I would then be able to help others with the "tech" as well.

I was excited. I wouldn't realize the full significance of this simple act of signing this form until 4 years later.

After all the forms were signed and handed over to them I was brought in for my very first "auditing session". I was told that I would be assessed to find out what needed to be handled. I thought," Great, it will be just like Boulder Creek where I would be able to talk about what was REALLY bothering me. From there we would be able to systematically take up each thing one at a time until they were all resolved, then I would be 'clear'." That was my understanding at the time.

I took my seat, got all comfortable and then picked up -- "THE CANS." I was instructed to take a deep breath and then let it out through my mouth. I was asked if I was tired. At this point, for the first time ever, I went into quite a bit of detail about my physical injury. Up to this time I'd never opened up to anyone about it. Now I wanted to keep everything out in the open so that it could all be handled. I felt they deserved my honesty about all this.

Once all these things had been taken care of the auditor looked me right in the eyes and said (in a loud voice), "THIS IS THE SESSION." She immediately started asking me questions like, "Are you a reporter? Are you here to investigate $cientology? Do you know anyone antagonistic to $cientology? Are you connected with anyone antagonistic to $cientology?"

I quickly became perplexed. As these types of questions continued I began to get a little frustrated and I thought, "All I want to do is get better! All I want is get involved in something where I can help others!" These types of questions still continued. "Have you ever had any unkind thoughts of L. Ron Hubbard, Mary Sue Hubbard? Have you ever sued $cientology?" I began to think, "Why are they asking me all these questions? What have I done to make them distrust me already? Why are they so paranoid? After all they came to me, I didn't go looking for them." This type of interrogation lasted well over an hour ALL AT MY EXPENSE.

Finally the interrogation stopped. The questioning turned to me. I felt relieved. I thought, "Those must have just been standard questions they ask everyone. Now that we've gotten THEM out of the way we'll get to me and handle what I REALLY came here for." Instead, my auditor continued reading all her questions off the prepared lists that she had in front of her. Soon I again became frustrated.

You see, years before in Boulder Creek we always took up what I wanted to take up. Down there, for the first time in my life, I was allowed to share my REAL thoughts and feelings. I no longer had to suppress what was really going on inside. Because of that I was learning to take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings and actions. As a result I became more able to control how I viewed and interacted with the world around me. Now, however, I wasn't being allowed to do that. Instead I always had to answer MY AUDITOR'S questions. I always had to take up what MY AUDITOR wanted to take up. I began to wonder how they were going to handle everything that I wanted handled if they NEVER EVEN ASKED ME.

Finally I asked, "Are you sure you guys are going to handle everything that I want handled?" After all they told me that this session was to assess what needed to be handled and I wanted to make sure they got everything down on paper. She replied, "Yes, everything eventually gets handled."

Despite my frustration I trusted her. After all didn't they tell me that this "tech" works on everyone 100% of the time? This reassurance of hers was to be the start of my endless "hoping." All the way up to the very end (4 years later) I would always be hoping, " Maybe that one next 'course', maybe that one next 'repair list', maybe that one next 'grade'."

The session finally ended and we went up to get an "examine." I was later to learn that the examine was just to make sure that nothing brought up in session was left "un-handled". I sat down and was told to pick up the cans. The examiner "Frank" was emotionless, very stoic. He didn't say a single word that wasn't absolutely necessary. He fiddled with the meter a bit then said, "Thank you, your needle's floating." I left and went down to wait in the bookstore lobby.

While I was waiting I overheard someone say that my auditor used to be at Flag (in Florida) but that she was kicked out because of ethics trouble. I thought, "That's strange, I thought $cientology was supposed to make people MORE ethical. I wonder what happened? " You know, I never saw her again after that day.

MY FIRST DAY "ON COURSE"

My sister accompanied me on my first day "on course." We walked up the three flights of stairs and entered the indoctrination (course) room for the first time. As usual she was all excited. She seemed genuinely happy that I had become involved in $cientology. Her attitude and enthusiasm was to be a major influence on some of my early decisions to be involved and (for quite some time) to stay involved. Later as I became more entangled other forces were to take over.

One of the first things that I noticed when I walked into the room was that on each table were little baskets containing various objects such as blocks, paper clips, marbles, and broken pencils. My sister explained that these were called "demo kits." The idea being that we would use these various objects to demonstrate the principles that we were studying. I thought, "Wow my first piece of 'tech.'"

Several minutes later the indoctrination supervisor "Gully" walked into the room and yelled, "ROLL CALL." He seemed so strict and rigid about the whole thing. It seemed kind of silly since there was only my sister and myself in the room. After roll call he said in a loud voice, "O.K.

START."

He then called me up to his desk where he at once demanded to see my invoice. When he was satisfied that I was all paid up he had me work out an indoctrination schedule. I was then instructed to get out my course pack, take my seat at a table and start studying.

Each course pack contained the manual you needed to study along with a course checksheet. The checksheet was the complete list of all the things that you were supposed to be indoctrinated with on the course.

It was a list of all the things that you needed to read along with all the drills and demos that you needed to do, ALL IN A SPECIFIC ORDER.

I was never allowed to jump around.

The first course they had signed me up for was the "Communication Course." I say "they signed me up for" because I was NEVER allowed to decide want I WANTED to take. THEY always decided for me. It wasn't until several years later that I read where Hubbard said never let the person decide for themselves what to take, always TELL them what to take. I didn't know this or realize the significance of this fact until years later. Since there was no one in the room that could do the drills with me the supervisor switched me to the course "How to Improve Relationships with Others."

NOW I was ready to start learning "all the data that I needed to know in order to handle life."

While I was getting settled the supervisor came rushing over and said, "Here let me give you a target." He took my checksheet and then seemingly at random puts an arrow on one item and said, "There, that's your target for today." I thought, "How odd." At the time I was under the assumption that this was to be a self-paced, self-motivated course, now all of a sudden HE'S TELLING ME HOW FAST I SHOULD GO.

On later courses I was to learn that, besides being given a target to reach every day, we also had to keep track of our "student points."

Student points were determined by such things as how many pages we "studied", how many words we "cleared", how many drills and "demos" we did or watched. At the end of the day we would have to plot on a graph on the wall how many points we made that day. This would remain on display for EVERYONE TO SEE. On the first couple of courses this was not required. I was later told that it was "out-gradient" on beginning courses. In time I was to learn that anything "out-gradient" meant "anything they didn't want me to know or even see."

In the manual we first went over the basics of how we were to study on the course. With the basics covered I then began to read my first real item on my checksheet. One of the first things I noticed was that I found Hubbard hard to understand. I've read many good authors before, they were very clear and easy to understand. It was like they were speaking directly to me and I could easily grasp what they were trying to communicate. Hubbard, on the other hand, I found very difficult to understand. He seemed to ramble on and on. I soon began asking myself, "What's his point here? What's he trying to say?"

Hubbard wasn't making much sense to me. I noticed that sometimes he would even contradict himself. I quickly went blank and became confused. If I remain confused very long I become frustrated. Because of this it was only natural for me to start asking questions. I wanted get some clarity in what I was reading, after all I was there to learn something practical, something useful. It was soon to become obvious to me that questions or opinions concerning $cientology were not tolerated. In $cientology all questions or points of disagreement are immediately deflected by a command from the indoctrination supervisor to "go back and clear up your misunderstood word." Without being able to ask questions, without being able to get into a discussion with anyone about what I was reading I soon began to feel like I was being spoon fed.

As I continued reading I would occasionally yawn. Every time I did the supervisor would come running over and ask me, "Where were you last reading." I would point to the spot and he would reply, "Which word did you go past that you didn't fully understand?" I would take a look and then tell him "there isn't one." He would then take my book (or whatever I was reading), choose a word at random and say, "What's the definition of the word 'the' (for example)." He would continue this until he selected a word that I couldn't quickly give a clean, clear-cut, "dictionary" definition to. Then he would say, "Clear your misunderstood word and then restudy this whole section." After being put through this mindless exercise a number of times I began to get annoyed. I finally said, "look, yawning is a natural reaction. It's caused by lack of sleep, lack of oxygen to the brain, boredom, lack of stimulation, even another person yawning. It has nothing to do with an MU (misunderstood word)." He totally ignored me. Instead he mechanically repeated, "Clear up your misunderstood word and then restudy this whole section." In time I learned (in this situation) that it was best to just stifle or hide any yawns that might try to surface.

To make things even worse occasionally he would come up to me and say, "Here let me give you a spot check." Then he would take whatever I was reading, pick out words at random and ask me for their definitions. If I couldn't immediately put one into words I'd have to stop whatever I was doing, clear the word and then restudy everything from that point on.

Reading Hubbard was confusing enough but then to be constantly distracted by all that "word clearing." For me it made it nearly impossible to understand anything Hubbard was saying. By the end of the day I was totally confused and didn't have a clue what I had read.

That's the result I got from applying Hubbard's study "tech". As I went along it never got any better, it only got worse. My frustrations and observations about the "tech" began to surface right from my first day in the indoctrination room.

Finally 6:00 P.M. arrived and the supervisor yells out, "ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT." I collected my belongings and walked downstairs to the bookstore lobby.

I waited in the lobby for my sister to get out of session (or wherever they had her). I was still a little frustrated by what had happened in the indoctrination room but was still excited about being in $cientology. While I was waiting I started talking to the bookstore officer "Laureli." I began to open up to her the way I had with my friends in Boulder Creek. She quickly changed the subject and said in a very enthusiastic voice, "Wayne I've got something to show you that I think you'll really be interested in." She brought me into the back room where she had an E-meter set up. She then went into this enthusiastic sales pitch about how I just NEEDED to have one of these things, that it would be so helpful for me in getting up the bridge. I became caught up in her enthusiasm and was interested in hearing what she had to say but I eventually told her that I didn't want to buy one just yet. After all I had just started $cientology a few days before. I wanted to take things one step at a time.

It was here that Amy walked into the room. I remember how when I saw her I got all excited and thought to myself, "Hey, here's my friend Amy.

Here's my buddy coming to see how I'm doing." Laureli quickly left without saying a word. Amy took her place in front of me. I was all excited at seeing my new friend again.

She looked me square in the eyes and said, "Wayne, you OWE US another $625!"

I WAS STUNNED!

I said in complete disbelief, "WHAT? You told me just the other day that EVERYTHING here would only cost me $2,500." She suddenly changed her story and said, "Wayne that was just an estimate. In order for you to complete your program we need to have the money NOW! Do you have a credit card?" I was taken so off guard by this sudden turn of events.

One minute I was laughing and joking around with Laureli thinking I was starting to get back the same thing that I had with my friends in Boulder Creek -- then POW! This was a knockout punch from out of the blue. I was dazed. My head went into a spin.

I felt VERY uncomfortable about what was happening. In my confusion I thought, "Maybe it WAS just an estimate the night before." I thought this even though I was ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that I had specifically asked her at least three separate times how much everything would cost me at their mission. I immediately thought about all the physical pain I was in and how much I wanted it all to go away. I thought, "If I don't pay her now I'll have to live with it forever. Maybe if I pay her 'this one LAST little bit' she'll never bother me again." These kinds of thoughts kept whirling through my head all the while she kept constantly badgering me with demands like, "Wayne just give me your credit card."

"Wayne we need the money NOW, I can't hold this price for you any longer." "Wayne it's for your own good, I'm only trying to help you."

"I'm only trying to get you what you said you wanted."

She had me isolated in their back room. I had no one to confer with.

Eventually I caved in and handed over my credit card.

I walked out of that room completely numb wondering what had just happened. I walked out of that room beginning to wonder if $cientology was something different than what they were telling me.

*** Wayne Whitney - My Story Part 4 PART 4: The Trap Slams Shut By the end of my second day I had already begun to have bad feelings about the mission. Under ordinary circumstances I would have gone in and demanded my money back or at the very least decided to cut my losses and just not go back -- BUT THESE WERE NOT ORDINARY CIRCUMSTANCES. I was in constant, terrible pain and Amy promised me ABSOLUTELY that they would cure me. I was clinging to that promise!

I lived almost 40 miles away from the mission so I knew it was going to be quite a commute. I told myself that I could, "tough it out for the six short months that it would take to go 'clear.'" I really believed that in less than 6 months I would be this pain free, almost superhuman being with a perfect memory who would never get sick again. I also believed that I had become involved in an organization where I would eventually be able to help others. With all these aspirations in my head six months of long commutes didn't seem like that big a price to pay. I believed all these things because Amy Tuttle "the reg" (the salesperson) had PROMISED me these things.

SCIENTOLOGY -- A WORLD OF UNCERTAINTY Right from the first day and all the time that I was at the S.F. mission I never once had "the bridge" or for that matter anything else explained to me. I never once knew what we were going to do, what exactly I was going to learn in the indoctrination room or what thought reforming processes they were going to run on me. I never once knew what was coming up or what to expect. Just as in my first reg cycle I could never get a straight answer out of any of the staff members. God knows I tried!

For example when I asked Carol, the person in charge of scheduling auditing sessions, what my schedule would be she just laughed at me and said, "Your going up the bridge aren't you? Don't worry about it."

There I was trying my best to get everything arraigned ahead of time so I knew what was expected of me. That way I would have some stability.

When I know what to expect it's so much easier to take responsibility for my actions and maintain control. I found that this constant uncertainty always kept me off balance. This uncertainty allowed them to get me to do things that I ordinarily never would have done.

For example Sarah Baxter would often call me up at work and tell me that I had to hurry up and come in for a session. Often I wasn't even "sessionable" and I told her so. She just kept insisting saying, "We really want to deliver services to you, we really want to see you make gains." I would almost always fall for her appeals. I would take time off work to go all the way in only to be too sick or tired to really be "in session." I did it because she sounded so sincere on the phone and I didn't want to let her down. I did it because I really believed they were trying to help me.

Years later I realized that she would always call me on a Tuesday or Wednesday when their stats were down and they had to hurry and get them up before Thursday. To them any time that I spent in the chair "on the cans" was good. I was once even told by Timothy Baxter that, "ANY auditing is better than no auditing." He was admitting to me that whether I was too sick or tired didn't matter to them. It eventually became clear that "any auditing" was good for THEM, it got THEIR stats up. In the end that's all they ever cared about -- getting their stats up.

While I was at the mission almost all my decisions were based on false or incomplete information. I was forced to filled in all the blanks myself based on past experiences elsewhere and what THEY were telling me at the time. Because of this I ended up making so many erroneous assumptions.

Since I could never get any answers or facts out of any staff members my hazy understanding was that I was to go in session every evening during the week and then on weekends. When I wasn't in session I would be "on course" learning such things as how to communicate and get along better with others. The promise of acquiring these skills was important to me so it kept me going back on course even though I was becoming very frustrated with the way things were being run up there.

THEIR FIRST RECRUITMENT ATTEMPT I had been in $cientology only a couple of days when I was unexpectedly called down to the basement to see the ethics officer, Debbie Scanlon. I wasn't with her more than a minute or two when she abruptly said, "Wayne, you NEED to join staff." I said, "What? I don't know anything about $cientology yet, I just started. Isn't this a little premature?"

She responded with, "Oh we'll teach you everything you need to know." To me it seemed rather irresponsible to just jump in and join an organization that I knew nothing about. I didn't know what they believed or anything about them. It seemed like an irresponsible thing to do so I said, "No."

She pushed harder. "Wayne it's your RESPONSIBILITY to help us spread $cientology." I explained to her that I just started, that I already had a job, that I was still very sick and that I lived very far away. I told her that I didn't feel that it would be appropriate for me to join staff then, maybe later. When I was involved with a group in Boulder Creek I had learned never to make promises or commitments unless I REALLY intended to keep them. I didn't want to make commitments that I knew I wouldn't be able to keep.

She kept pushing and pushing and pushing for me to join staff. Finally I got angry and said, "Look, I've already got a job, I'm very sick, and I'm not joining staff and that's that." I resented the way she kept trying to force HER WILL onto me. I walked out of the room very angry but I rationalized away this negative encounter. A part of me wanted to believe that she saw positive characteristics in me that would make me useful to society. I've always wanted to feel useful, that I had some value to others so this kind of attention fed that desire and made me feel needed. As I left the room another part of me was also saying, "Wayne it's only your 'bank' that's making you angry, don't listen to it." I wouldn't realize until years later that Hubbard and Amy had successfully implanted that idea in my head. That idea was to take on a life of it's own and successfully undermine every critical thought that I had which made me anxious or angry.

Intellectually it seemed that the most rational thing for me to do was to move up the bridge as quickly as possible, to get the gains they promised me, the ones that I had already paid for. I figured that once I got healthy and more able then I would be even more useful to them. I was confused as to why Debbie couldn't see the logic in my argument. Why was she rushing me? I figured that if the tech worked why not give me a chance to get better first?

As Hubbard said in his policy letter Keeping Scientology Working, "If they enrolled, they're aboard; and if they're aboard, they're here on the same terms as the rest of us - win or die in the attempt." Because I walked in their front door that very first day they just ASSUMED that I "was aboard." They acted accordingly. I had no way of knowing that when I first walked in their door that they ALREADY had plans to turn me into one of Hubbard's slaves.

SOME MORE PERSONAL BACKGROUND My whole life, until the mid 80's, I had been introverted and shy. The more I tried to figure out WHY, by myself, the more I would introvert and the worse I would get.

Then in the mid 80's I met this group in Boulder Creek. For the first time I was in an environment where I was safe to tell another person EVERYTHING. I was finally free to tell someone all my deepest, darkest little secrets, all the stupid little things that I felt that if anyone ever found out about that I would just die.

For example I told them how I'd be walking down the sidewalk and when I saw someone approaching me from the opposite direction I would "react"

and start to tense up. I'd immediately begin thinking thoughts like, "Should I look at them? Should I say Hi? What if they don't say 'Hi' back -- won't *I* look stupid." This tension would reach its peak just as the person was passing. Because of this "reaction" I'd almost always end up looking away pretending that I didn't even see them. As they passed I'd kind of relax but go off cursing myself for reacting like such a jerk.

Another example I told them about was how I always felt so awkward and self-conscious standing in the grocery store check-out line. I confessed how in that situation I always felt like everyone was watching me.

In Boulder Creek I was able to open up and reveal all these inner secrets to someone else. It was amazing how in just a few minutes they could get me to see exactly what *I* was doing, mentally, to make myself REACT the way I did. The sudden feeling of relief I got when I was finally able to tell someone all these things was just incredible. I eventually labeled this sudden feeling of relief as a "spiritual orgasm." Once I said these things out loud to someone else, I could take responsibility for them and I instantly felt so much better. Each time I was able to do this I would always become more outgoing, more productive and more "myself." Once all this mental stuff was out in the open for me to see then THEY left it completely up to me whether I wanted to keep doing those things or not. In Boulder Creek my self-determinism was gradually being restored.

To me all these subconscious thoughts WERE my "reactive mind." I would find myself in a particular situation and just automatically think these thoughts and I would introvert. I didn't know why. To me these thoughts WERE the things that were making me react in non-optimum ways. All these things that I was doing RIGHT THEN, just below my conscious level of awareness, were the real things that were holding me back in life. I've always been fairly successful but it was all these stupid little thoughts, thoughts that I just couldn't make go away by myself, that were holding me back. In Boulder Creek we dealt with and handled these things. In Boulder Creek this subconscious "reactive mind" became VERY real for me.

Now Hubbard comes along and talks about my "bank" and my "reactive mind." He tells me that this is what's making me act in non-optimum ways, that it's all the stuff that's going on just under my conscious level of awareness. Now Hubbard comes along and tells me that only me AND another person (the auditor) are bigger than my bank. Now Hubbard comes along and tells me if I try to figure it out by myself that I'll just drive myself deeper into my bank and get worse. All these ideas fit right in with what I had already experienced in B.C.. Because of my lack of knowledge of $cientology and the fact that they were telling me things that I could agree with I assumed that auditing would be just like what we did in Boulder Creek, only this time more scientific, more exact, and 100% effective. After all that's what Hubbard kept telling me.

At the beginning I believed that my auditor and I would start my Life Repair Program and that we would just keep going back in session until I got the results they promised. I believed this because Amy had given me the impression that we would. When I handed over that first check to Amy I had no idea that they were going to charge me BY THE HOUR and that if they didn't deliver what they promised that I would HAVE to keep paying them more and more money until I finally DID attest to whatever they wanted me to. If I had known THAT Amy never would have gotten that first check out of me. I had paid for RESULTS, not worthless "stats" for them.

MY AUDITING BEGINS The BIG day finally arrived and I was finally taken into session. I was excited. My sister had been telling me of all the "big wins" (life transforming cognitions about life) that she was having. As I walked to the auditing room I just couldn't wait to start having some of my own.

I just couldn't wait to experience my first "spiritual orgasm" in $cientology. After all I had just paid a lot of money, now I felt they were going to start delivering the miracles they promised me.

After the auditor took care of the preliminaries such as making sure that I was comfortable, that I was well rested, that I was well fed, we started. The auditor looked right at me and said in a loud voice, "THIS IS THE SESSION."

The very next thing she did was start asking me the questions, "What's the definition of the word 'where', 'which', 'the','these','those' and 'case'?" Words like these were just fired at me with no context whatsoever. Just as on course if I couldn't immediately quote a 'dictionary' definition for them or my definition didn't match exactly what the auditor wanted to hear she would drag out a dictionary and I would have to "clear" each and every one of them.

Clearing a word meant I had to go through each definition of that word, one at a time. I had to read each definition, say what it meant in my own words, and then make up sentences until I "fully understood it." A lot of the words like "when", "the", and "what " have many definitions so this started to get quite time consuming. After going through the definitions I then had to clear all the idioms and derivations. Often the auditor would have to look in several different dictionaries before she could find these. This would sometimes take 5 - 10 minutes while I just sat there waiting only to find out that the word came from "Old English" or some such nonsense. She would then look at me with a straight face and say, "Do you understand that?"

This mindless word clearing exercise dragged on hour after hour, day after day, week after week, all at hundreds of dollars an hour. When we first started this 'word clearing' I thought, "This will take just an hour or so then we'll get to the REAL reason I am here." As it turned out it just went on and on.

As we continued my frustration kept mounting. I began to wonder," How is spending hundreds of dollars an hour clearing words going to make me a better person? I did NOT pay all my money just to do this." Whenever I expressed my frustrations to the auditor all she would reply with were things like," Would you like to make up more sentences for that word" or "Is there some word in the definition that you don't fully understand?"

If I expressed my frustrations out of session all I got were things like," God Wayne you look great. Auditing is really doing wonders for you." Once I was even totally invalidated by Debbie when she asserted,"

Some people have big wins in word clearing." When I responded with, "WELL I'M NOT! WHY CAN'T ANYONE HEAR ME?" The response I got back was,"

WOW, I really like your jacket."

BACK ON COURSE While my "Life Repair" auditing was going on I was working through the course "How to Improve Relationships with Others." Everything seemed like common sense to me but I figured that it wouldn't hurt to review the basics. After all I just knew that soon I would be getting to the GOOD stuff, the stuff that "life was made of." After all, that's what Hubbard kept telling me.

So far everything on the course was stuff I pretty much could agree with -- UNTIL -- I ran into something called "The Third Party Law."

In it Hubbard states (IN CAPITAL LETTERS) "A THIRD PARTY MUST BE PRESENT AND UNKNOWN IN EVERY QUARREL FOR A CONFLICT TO EXIST."

OR "FOR A QUARREL TO OCCUR, AN UNKNOWN THIRD PARTY MUST BE ACTIVE IN PRODUCING IT BETWEEN TWO POTENTIAL OPPONENTS."

Then later Hubbard states things like, "In marital quarrels the correct approach for anyone counseling is to get both parties to carefully search out the THIRD party." In the next paragraph he states, "Sometimes two parties, quarreling, suddenly decide to elect a person to blame.

This stops the quarrel."

I WAS STUNNED! My immediate reaction was, "WHAT? Hubbard's telling me to ALWAYS blame a 'third party' for any disagreements I have with someone?" This went totally contrary to everything that I believed at the time. In Boulder Creek I learned how to communicate. In Boulder Creek I learned to take responsibility for all conflicts and disagreements. Down there I learned to find out what the other person was REALLY saying FIRST. Only then could I know what I WAS disagreeing with. Only then was it possible to come to some kind of understanding with the other person and resolve the conflict. This approach had proven very effective for me and had greatly improved my relationships with others. Now Hubbard was telling me that instead of doing that to just find someone else to blame and that all my troubles would immediately go away? This bizarre idea upset me a lot.

SUPPRESSED INTO SILENCE I had no one to talk to about my frustrations and concerns. In and out of the course room I was never allowed to talk to anyone about my disagreements with Hubbard. I certainly couldn't talk to anyone at home or at work. For one thing no one had any idea what I was involved in so I felt that no one would understand. Why should I bother trying?

For another thing, I learned to never try to get anyone involved in anything unless I REALLY believed in it myself FIRST. I didn't believe in $cientology. I had seen no benefits as of yet therefore I felt that I shouldn't even talk about it outside the mission. I felt that I should see if it worked first before I talked to anyone about it. I also made the assumption that if I even mentioned $cientology they would think that I was trying to recruit them (into something that I didn't believe in). I was waiting to see positive results first. I was trying to maintain my integrity about all this so again I said nothing. To me that was the ethical thing to do.

Another source of suppression was that a part of me wanted to believe that I had made the right decision in spending all that money to join Scientology in the first place. I was afraid that if someone found out that I was involved they would make fun of me. I would have felt like such a fool, especially since I paid all that money without first checking Scientology's claims out. I just couldn't face the humiliation of someone showing me how stupid I had been so again I said nothing to anyone.

All of these obstacles and internal conflicts kept me silent, just at the time when I should have been talking the most.

THE CHAINS THAT BIND At the same time I also knew that I had already spent several thousand dollars and that I still had some on account. I felt that I couldn't just walk away from all that money. I just HAD to get something in return for the money I paid them. I HAD to give them a chance to deliver what they promised. Besides, I still desperately WANTED all the benefits Amy promised me.

I also wanted to be able to believe in someone again. I wanted so much to be able to confide in others just like I had been able to do in Boulder Creek. I wanted so much to have back what I had down there.

While all this was happening I kept hearing my sister talk about all the big wins she was having. I saw how excited she was each time she came out of session. I watched her personality changing right before my very eyes. As I watched her personality change I figured there just HAD to be something of value in "the tech." I slowly began to believe that it was JUST ME causing all my difficulties. After all didn't they keep tell me that if *I* wasn't making progress that it was because *I* was doing something wrong or that *I* had done something evil that I just couldn't confront?

In B.C. I had learned to take responsibility for my thoughts, feelings and actions. This way of dealing with life had produced so many positive changes in me. Because of all my life transforming experiences down there I kept trying to do the same thing in Scientology. In so doing I inadvertently fell right into the trap of blaming myself for all my failures in Scientology. Ways of effectively dealing with life that had worked so well for me everywhere else were now working against me. I didn't realize this was happening at the time.

On top of all that I was still clinging desperately to the hope that $cientology would take away the agonizing pain that I was in. After all didn't they promise me that the "tech" worked on everyone 100% of the time? I just HAD to continue. What else could I do? They told me it was my "ONE LAST CHANCE TO BE HEALED AND TO GO TOTALLY FREE"!

These were the chains that that were holding me. These were the chains that encouraged me to rationalize, "I'll just SECRETLY disagree with THIS ONE concept - this one 'Third Party Law.' Everything else from here on out MUST be good, MUST be life transforming, MUST be leading me down the road to total freedom." After all, that's what Hubbard kept telling me.

THE TRAP SLAMS SHUT!

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