From the 12/26/2001 issue of "Weekly World Xenus":

==================== Ralph Dorian, the only person on Earth who can bring about the destruction of Scientology, has joined forces with Bat Boy, the famous half-boy, half-bat, to hunt down the evil terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden.

Ralph, like so many others around the world, was horrified and angered by the diabolical September 11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon by bin Laden’s al Qaida network. As readers already know, Bat Boy immediately rallied to the cause by joining the Marines and has already been dispatched to Afghanistan to help track down bin Laden.

Ralph says he made a generous donation to the Red Cross, as well as helping man the phones at the star-studded "Tribute to Heroes"

telethon for the attack victims, alongside superstars like Jack Nicholson, Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. However, he felt compelled to do something more.

Then one afternoon, while visiting with a friend who works as an agent for the FBI, who he declined to name, Ralph explains: "I happened to have brought along a partially completed manuscript of my latest essay, as yet untitled. I thought I would show it to my friend to get some feedback from him. Well, after he got to the fourth page, he got this big smile on his face and yelled, ‘This is perfect!’

".

"I was rather puzzled and so I asked him to elaborate. My friend explained that bin Laden was rumored to be hiding in a vast cave network in the rugged mountain areas of Afghanistan. He said that Bat Boy, with his natural familiarity with caves and dark areas, had been sent to scour the caves in order to find him. But apparently the problem was with trying to actually get bin Laden to come out once he was found.

"Osama has made it abundantly clear that he would never surrender and would be willing to fight to the death in a holy war. But the FBI had been trying for quite a while to come up with a way to drive bin Laden out of his hiding place."

According to Ralph, they had previously tried, without success, to get him out by playing non-stop Britney Spears music through a loudspeaker (German farmers had reportedly used Britney Spears music to scare wild pigs away from their crops with excellent results).

Ralph continues, "My agent friend came up with the idea of sending Bat Boy into the caves with a bullhorn and a copy of my unfinished manuscript and having him read it out loud over and over. His theory was that this would be such torture for bin Laden, that he would be racing to get out of the caves, even if it meant surrendering or being killed by military troops."

Ralph states that he was more than happy to comply.

While refusing to divulge details of the plan, citing security reasons, and admitting that he didn’t know whether to be flattered or insulted, he claims, "I’m just glad I can do my part in destroying the Evil One!"

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