From http://datelinehollywood.com/archives/2005/07/10/xenu-expresses-displeasure-with-cruise/

XENU EXPRESSES DISPLEASURE WITH CRUISE

Alien overlord says star is making Scientologists look "crazy"

Hollywood - Xenu, the galactic overlord who murdered trillions of aliens on Earth 75 million years ago, releasing the thetan particles that still infects humanity today according to the Church of Scientology, has reportedly returned to express his displeasure with the recent behavior of Tom Cruise. "I expect celebrity devotees of my Church to spread my message through charity work and quality films like 'Battlefield Earth,'" Xenu said in an interview with The Weekly World. "Attacking Brooke Shields and marrying some girl you met six weeks ago makes Scientologists look crazy."

Xenu added that while he understands exuberant behavior by those excited at having reached the upper levels of the Church of Scientology, he doesn't approve of Cruise's penchant for jumping on and over couches.

"I bet Oprah's couch must have cost at least $5,000," he noted in the article. "Any money wasted on new furniture or cleaning is funds that should be going to pay for new E-Meters for my Church. Tom should confine his acrobatics to the outdoors."

Scientologists were shocked by the arrival of Xenu, who was not prophesied to return to Earth for hundreds of thousands more years following his initial visit 75 million years ago when he released thetans into the atmosphere millions of years ago, forever scarring humanity with negative engrams that latch onto their spirits.

The alien overlord said he was visiting only to scold Cruise and warn the star that any further public misbehavior would result in his being replaced as the nation's number one star with Jenna Elfman or, in a fifth attempt at Church-backed superstardom, John Travolta.

Xeno also added that he was making a modification to Scientology dogma:

"I know I used to say psychiatry was a pseudo-science and people should stay away from mind-altering drugs. But after observing Tom Cruise for the past few months, I've decided he really needs to take a valium."

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