Anonymous asked this question on 5/14/2000:
I'm 42 (f) & have hit a wall in my life. No stranger to depression (& have been ~wrongly I think~ dx'd bipolar2). I'm in a fugue state right now & am avoiding some major issues while pouring all my considerable energy into my business, which is doing very well. However, I am half way through night law school & hating it; wish I had stayed with Plan A, (a PsyD.) I dropped two volunteer positions, one in the court system & one as a rape/crisis counselor, something I had done for 6 years & was proud of. I've been working 80 hours a week with school & business for 2 years, plus volunteering, fixing up an old house & trying to keep connected to friends & family and keeping a relationship with my SO going forward as this is very important to me also. In the last 2 years I have also gone through death & illness in the family & a rather acrimonious divorce. I'm exhausted & overwhelmed & feel like a loser for it. I've always kept my emotional cards close to my chest, and haven't talked with those close to me about this panicky failing feeling. This is wrong, as I have wonderful supportive friends, but I've always been the "strong" one & I suppose don't like to appear otherwise. I have employees relying on me for a paycheck & everyone in my life expecting me to be a winner. Do I try to pick up where I feel I've left off, even though it may not be the right path (the JD)? Run away to Mexico & reinvent myself? I'm sure I know the right answers here. Perhaps I just need to unload, albeit anonymously. I just want to do right by myself & others, & I'm not doing that now. And no, I'm not in counselling, hate the navel gazing. And no, I'm not on meds & hope never to take another mood stabilizer in my life, they flat~line me. And no, finding Jesus won't help this little chickadee.
42day gave this response on 5/15/2000:
Dear Annonymous, It sounds as though you've had a full plate for quite some time now. You have earned the right to feel overwhelmed! I can understand your resistance to medications, but it concerns me that you have been diagnosed as bipolar and are not following up with a pdoc (psychiatrist) and/or tdoc (therapist). Finding the correct medications can take a long, long time and can be very frustrating indeed. But the results can be remarkable. I would suggest that you get a second opinion and be sure to tell them how the drugs make you feel. If by chance you are bipolar, not taking your meds can have devastating consequences. And even the "strong" among us need a place to lay out our emotional cards. A therapist can give you an unbiased ear as well as a safe place to vent. It is not a sign of weakness to seek help. I think too that you are being extremely hard on yourself. Perhaps it would help to ask yourself this . . . If your best friend came to you and laid out a problem exactly as you describe, what advice would you offer them? Try to be as kind to yourself as you would be to your best friend. As far as the JD - that's a really tough field at best, requiring a tremendous amount of reading, writing and study. You have so much going on right now, perhaps it would be a good idea to take a breather. Continuing along the same line when you "hate it" will probably lead you to resentment and lower grades. You can always pick it up again at a later time. In the meantime, shedule a little time for fun. It seems to be missing from your life.
42day
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