Anonymous asked this question on 5/14/2000:
I'm 42 (f) & have hit a wall in my life. No stranger to depression (& have been ~wrongly I think~ dx'd bipolar2). I'm in a fugue state right now & am avoiding some major issues while pouring all my considerable energy into my business, which is doing very well. However, I am half way through night law school & hating it; wish I had stayed with Plan A, (a PsyD.) I dropped two volunteer positions, one in the court system & one as a rape/crisis counselor, something I had done for 6 years & was proud of. I've been working 80 hours a week with school & business for 2 years, plus volunteering, fixing up an old house & trying to keep connected to friends & family and keeping a relationship with my SO going forward as this is very important to me also. In the last 2 years I have also gone through death & illness in the family & a rather acrimonious divorce. I'm exhausted & overwhelmed & feel like a loser for it. I've always kept my emotional cards close to my chest, and haven't talked with those close to me about this panicky failing feeling. This is wrong, as I have wonderful supportive friends, but I've always been the "strong" one & I suppose don't like to appear otherwise. I have employees relying on me for a paycheck & everyone in my life expecting me to be a winner. Do I try to pick up where I feel I've left off, even though it may not be the right path (the JD)? Run away to Mexico & reinvent myself? I'm sure I know the right answers here. Perhaps I just need to unload, albeit anonymously. I just want to do right by myself & others, & I'm not doing that now. And no, I'm not in counselling, hate the navel gazing. And no, I'm not on meds & hope never to take another mood stabilizer in my life, they flat~line me. And no, finding Jesus won't help this little chickadee.
karunap gave this response on 5/15/2000:
Half way through law school sounds like a long way from the end........ if you are hating it because you resent the long hours that is one thing.... if you hate it because you hate it it sure sounds to me like it would make a lot more sense to go back to the psych degree. You enjoyed the work and the school when that is what you were studying.
I suggest you do some therapy that is not just navel gazing. Find an active form of therapy that will help you release feelings, work through old traumas, make contracts (such as no more than 40 hours of week of work) and then have accountability structures for when you break them. Find a therapy that includes processes such as bioenergetics, psychodrama, gestalt, regression .... as opposed to just talking or just handing out medications.
What pain or anxiety would come up if you were only working 40 hours a week (school and work) and had a lot of free time? It sounds like you are cramming so much into so little space there is no time to be and no time to feel. You are certainly in a situation that can't do anything other than spiral down.
I don't know what you planned to do with your psych degree. Please don't do counseling unless you are unless you are willing to do your own therapy- in depth..... we have enough counselors that only know book knowledge and don't live it in your life.
From your enjoyment of your volunteer job, my guess is that if you found a good active therapy you would love it.... and would soon discover that is the career choice you should go for..... rather than the hated law classes.
Read Stephen Covey's book FIRST THINGS FIRST. I think it has a lot to offer you.
karunap gave this follow-up answer on 5/15/2000:
Also read Jean I. Clarke's GROWING UP AGAIN.
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