Anonymous asked this question on 5/12/2000:

How do I tell if I am depressed. For the last few years I've just been feeling blue. Nothing seems to interest me anymore. I started feeling this way after losing a family member a few years ago and can't seem to shake it. I tried counseling but without much sucess. It is difficult for me to feel comfortable opening up to people. How do I overcome this problem.

CeeBee gave this response on 5/13/2000:

Hi --

I read most of the responses you received, but I don't think anyone mentioned that you may never have completely worked through your family member's death. You didn't say who the family member was or how close you were to that person, but I suspect that doesn't matter. You said your depressed feelings started then, so maybe we should go back to that time in a way.

Losing a family member to death or divorce or even just from moving far away is one of the most stressful events a person can experience. We cry and get depressed, we are angry, we bargain with God to rewrite history and bring that person back into our life, we even deny the reality of it and ignore the fact that our life has changed irrevocably. We may go through these stages over and over again and all mixed together, but never come to a resolution with acceptance of our loss. How can we possibly accept the fact that a piece of our life is missing and won't be back?!

My father died in 1994. This was the first time a person that close to me had died. Sure, aunts and uncles and grandparents had died, and I was sad, but that was nothing like losing a parent! Here's how my family and I coped:

When our father died, we, of course, observed the funeral and burial rituals of our religion, and shared our family traditions with other mourners. He had been a Lutheran minister, so over time, with all of the memorial money that came in, we were able to beautify the church he had preached at for over 30 years. We also planted a tree in his memory. Now, when we drive past the church or catch sight of the tree, we think of our father (as though we need reminders!!) -- but not so much in a sad way. We remember how much he gave to our community and to people in general, so our memories are happy ones.

My siblings and I, along with our spouses and children, put together a special book of memories of our father and grandfather. We wrote down the silly things he did or the things he always reminded us about or the thoughtful things he did or his favorite things like golf or Reader's Digest jokes. We put everyone's thoughts and memories together, several grandchildren drew pictures for the covers, and we gave a completed book to our mom and also one for each of us. That was definitely a project full of love!

We don't hesitate to talk about our father and grandfather. In almost every conversation, his name seems to pop up with a "Remember when Dad used to say...?" or "Father never would have allowed us to..." Our father is very much alive in our thoughts and our communications. And that makes all of us happy!

Another idea for you is to find a way to help other people. It's only by helping someone else that we forget about our own troubles for awhile. Could you volunteer somewhere? -- at a nursing home or hospital or library or people/animal shelter? Trust me -- you will get back far more than you give!! (and you'll make new friends too, and some of them might be furry!!)

Well, I hope all this helps a bit, and gives you something to think about. Please let me know if you want me to give you even more ideas!!

Warmest wishes, CeeBee

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