Anonymous asked this question on 4/5/2000:

I hope someone can give me some advice about this. I'm going to be completely honest, which I have never been with anyone before. I think I suffer from depression, but I'm just not sure what's wrong with me. About six years ago I had my last child, she was born with problems, but we got past that and now she's fine. At that time I already had a seven year old and a thirteen month old. After I had all three kids under one roof I began to feel overwhelmed. I figured this was normal, But it started to go deeper than that. There have been times when I couldn't get out of bed, I have let my oldest care for my two little ones while I lay in bed staring at a TV. I have let my house go to pot. I can't find the energy to clean, I don't mean it's just messy I mean it's a disaster. Now don't get me wrong I haven't neglected my kids they are all deeply loved, well rounded children. How, I have no clue, I guess when it comes to loving them I am pretty good. In the last two years or so I have slowly begun to climb out of my funk(as I call it) and I wasn't exactly back to normal but I tried. The problem is at the end of last summer I was determined to get my life and my house back into shape, I was actually starting to get proud of myself for doing little things like doing the dinner dishes right away (believe me I used to let them sit for a week so it was a big step for me). Then my husband was hurt in work, he has been out ever since. It's been six months now and I feel like I'm back to square one. He used to ride me about the way I was all of the time. But now instead he just does everything for me, he gets the kids ready for school, he makes dinner, he bathes them and puts them to bed etc... I understand he's just trying to help but I feel more useless than ever now. I feel like he's taken over my job. Now, I don't get out of bed earlier than noon, I stay up to all hours of the night. When I am up, most of the time I sit in my room alone reading. I feel like I'm letting my kids and myself down. My self esteem has never been a high one, but now it's at an all time low. I hate the way I look, (I'm overweight), I'm not happy unless I'm miserable and left alone. I cry at the drop of a hat, I snap at the kids sometimes for no reason. How can I get out of this cycle? I get that I probably feel replaced by my husband, but why do I let things like this make me go back to my coccoon? Why can't I overcome this feeling of complete sadness and low self-worth? How can I possibly be a mother when I can't even take care of myself? If there is someone who can help or give me any kind of advice I would really appreciate it.

Lynn25 gave this response on 4/13/2000:

It may help you to know that my belief of your problem is common. It sounds like post-pardom depression. This happens to mothers and usually is not to serious. Sometimes it can be a problem. At this stage it sounds like it has become a problem and you need to see someone about it. I have a couple of questions in order to clarify your situation. After your 3rd child did you have your tubes tied (you mentioned your "last child")? If this is the case then the fact that you are unable to bear anymore children could be the firestarter. How does your husband feel about performing the duties that you use to do? - is he resentful or open armed to the responsibilities? If my first question is true then you need to realize that your 3 children are what you should look forward to seeing in the morning and afternoon. This should be your motivation. If you ever decide to have more children there are other outlets so the option is never not an option. You need to realize that you have a wonderful family that loves you and needs you. Regarding my second question, you may need to sit down with your husband and discuss how his helping makes you feel. You should tell hi that you want his help, not have him cut you out. You need to feel useful again, to know that you are needed. This fact can tie in with what I mention about if you can't not bear anymore children. You may be feeling that there is no need for you to be there. But you must realize that there is always a reason for you to be there. Maybe work out an arrangement with your husband that while he is home you can take advantage of his generousity once or twice/week. Take this time to be by yourself. Go shopping, get a facial, go for a walk by the water, see a movie. Allow yourself "me time". I don't know if I was on the right track but I would like to know how you are doing. Please email if there is anything more that I can help you with - headdoctor1@juno.com. Good luck.

Anonymous asked this follow-up question on 5/5/2000:

Thanks for your advice. To answer your questions, yes I did have my tubes tied after my third child, and yes it does bother me. I did want more children, but my youngest had some problems after her birth and the doctors felt if I had another it might be the same or worse with the next one. 2 My husband isn't resentful he thinks he's helping me, I have told him how I feel and he agreed he shouldn't do it all for me. I'm trying to get out of this and I'm actually doing a little better. Thanks for caring.

Lynn25 gave this response on 5/6/2000:

I'm very happy to hear you are doing better. If you are depressed it will take some time to subside. It can't go away right away. But you sound like you are headed in the right direction. The best thing for you to do is talk to your husband when you start to feel upset. That is what he is there for, to listen & help. Good luck with the children. If you really want more children, look into adoption. There are wonderful children out there that need a loving family like yours. Just an idea. Happy living.

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