treseq asked this question on 4/22/2000:

I and my wife, Karen, have been married for 11 years. My son is 9 and my daughter is 3.

My wife has a temper problem and things that happened to her when she was in school and with her family, which spreads to all areas of our marrige, ie relationships with family, friends, children and neighbours and myself.

I have somehow managed to survive this. She has left home since eight weeks and would like to reunite. We have discussed our problems and both agreed that this was the main barrier.

My wife has this problem much before our marriage ie with her parents, brothers and sister. She has deep rooted issues in her which I am unable to help despite my best efforts. She has realised that if we do decide to reunited this issue will have to be addressed properly with concrete ways of handling this.

She has been to psycologist and she says that they are of no use as they only give her anti-depressant medication, which she refuses to take.

I would like to keep this family united but I am affraid if this is not solved we will be back to sqare one! We have seperated 3 times before and I cannot take this nor is it conductive for the children.

If you can guide me in some direction that we can look to solve this problem I do not know how I could repay you.

Should you require more information that will help you to put me in the right direction for help please contact me on seqtreka@yahoo.com

Thank you Trevor Sequeira

katmar gave this response on 4/27/2000:

Trevor,

I have two friends who are separating after 18 years together. The reason they are separating, is that one of them, Dawn, has alot of emotional problems, and she refuses to deal with any of them. She has cheated on Frank for years, used drugs, drained their accounts, etc. She went to counseling and said the same thing your wife did. No one in Dawn's family knows why she does these things, or why she lies CONSTANTLY.

My point is this: your wife knows there's a problem. Your wife knows the consequences her actions have on your children, as well as the effects they have on you. She saw a psychiatrist, and said he only wanted to give her anti-depressants. If he's a good psychiatrist, he wouldn't have done that, as it doesn't really sound like she has depression to me (but I don't know her). Did she try a different psychiatrist? Or a psychologist? Or has she suggested counseling? Is she doing only what you ask, or is she taking some initiative? Do you see where I'm going with this? She's not doing anything to help herself. She may do some things at your request, but unless she's really ready to dig up some old wounds, you will NEVER get to the bottom of this. She has to want to get better. That's a harsh reality. I was anorexic for 3 years, and everyone said I was, but I refused to listen. I waited until my body collapsed, and I almost died. Then I got help. What I suggest is counseling for yourself, and possibly for the children. Separations take their toll on all involved, but if your wife has been gone for eight weeks, and did nothing to get to the root of the problem herself, I'm sorry to say I don't believe she will. And the reason I mentioned my friends in the beginning is that no one who knows Dawn, or thought they knew Dawn, understand why she does the things she does. My sister's the same way. She's unhappy, her life is screwed up, she's divorced, her family's dysfunctional, she can't keep a steady job, and yet she won't go see a therapist. Therapy isn't magic, and I don't mean to imply that, in fact, it's alot of work. And it hurts. And it takes a long time to heal from whatever's hurting you. I've been in recovery for 13 years now, and I'm still battling issues - much smaller ones now, but all the same, I'm still working on myself. You need to do the same. So does your wife. But she has to want to. She HAS TO want to. No amount of wishing on your part will make her change, and you'll never know why. And you'll always want to try, which is why I suggested counseling for you and the children. If she is not gonna change, then you need to learn to accept that and do what needs to be done. I'm very sorry you're going through this. I wish you the best of luck. But you can't fix her. Okay?

The average rating for this answer is 4.

treseq rated this answer a 4.